There aren’t many things I avoid talking about. Today, I am going to address the one thing I consistently avoid. My weight.
I’ve always struggled with being bigger than my peers. I thinned out just a little my last two years of high school because I was very active in a very competitive marching band. I was teased all of my life about it. My parents tried to limit my food intake and make me exercise. I hated them for that and it made me have a strong hate for exercise as well. Not once did they ever think that something might be wrong with me. It was just shame and guilt.
I started college and moved away. I gained the freshman 15(more like 20). Every time I would go home, I would get more shame and guilt. I was a little uncomfortable with my body, but I still thought I was beautiful. I couldn’t be bothered to measure my worth in pounds. And I was curvy. That’s my body type no matter how big or small I am.
Mid-way through my second semester, I was in a terrible car accident and broke my neck. That severely limited my mobility for a while. I put on a few more pounds.
Shortly after that, I took my health into my own hands. I finally saw a doctor that was smart enough to know something was wrong. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and PCOS. I had displayed the classic symptoms of both for a very long time, and no one ever caught it. That made me feel a little better as now I knew it wasn’t just me.
Around that time was when I started dating Ron. I put on 115 pounds between the time we started dating and when we divorced. 115. A whole person. It was largely due to emotional eating. Ron never gave me the affection I wanted and deserved. I ate every time he brushed my hand away, every time he turned down sex, every time I caught him, chatting up other women.
To add insult to injury, he would often bring up my weight. He would tell me how pretty I used to be. He would tell me he would be happier if I would lose some weight. The funny thing is that he was overweight himself.
As of this morning, I have lost 20 of that 115. It is not easy, but I am so ready to have my body back. I don’t like being in the BBW groups on fetlife. I want to list myself as curvy and that be honest. I want to not worry if my photos are misleading. I want to look every bit as sexy as I feel. I have big goals because I need to lose more than just that 115. I have 155 pounds ish more to lose before I am where I want to be.
I finally feel like I have people in my life who are supportive. They motivate me instead of making me feel ashamed. They help me focus on where I am going and not where I have been.