Unpretty

Published January 3, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

There aren’t many things I avoid talking about.  Today, I am going to address the one thing I consistently avoid.  My weight.

I’ve always struggled with being bigger than my peers.  I thinned out just a little my last two years of high school because I was very active in a very competitive marching band.  I was teased all of my life about it.  My parents tried to limit my food intake and make me exercise. I hated them for that and it made me have a strong hate for exercise as well.  Not once did they ever think that something might be wrong with me.  It was just shame and guilt.

I started college and moved away. I gained the freshman 15(more like 20).  Every time I would go home, I would get more shame and guilt.  I was a little uncomfortable with my body, but I still thought I was beautiful.  I couldn’t be bothered to measure my worth in pounds.  And I was curvy. That’s my body type no matter how big or small I am.

Mid-way through my second semester, I was in a terrible car accident and broke my neck.  That severely limited my mobility for a while.  I put on a few more pounds.

Shortly after that, I took my health into my own hands.  I finally saw a doctor that was smart enough to know something was wrong.  I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and PCOS.  I had displayed the classic symptoms of both for a very long time, and no one ever caught it.  That made me feel a little better as now I knew it wasn’t just me.

Around that time was when I started dating Ron.  I put on 115 pounds between the time we started dating and when we divorced. 115. A whole person.  It was largely due to emotional eating. Ron never gave me the affection I wanted and deserved.  I ate every time he brushed my hand away, every time he turned down sex, every time I caught him, chatting up other women.

To add insult to injury, he would often bring up my weight. He would tell me how pretty I used to be.  He would tell me he would be happier if I would lose some weight.  The funny thing is that he was overweight himself.

As of this morning, I have lost 20 of that 115.  It is not easy, but I am so ready to have my body back.  I don’t like being in the BBW groups on fetlife. I want to list myself as curvy and that be honest. I want to not worry if my photos are misleading.  I want to look every bit as sexy as I feel.  I have big goals because I need to lose more than just that 115.  I have 155 pounds ish more to lose before I am where I want to be.

I finally feel like I have people in my life who are supportive. They motivate me instead of making me feel ashamed.  They help me focus on where I am going and not where I have been.

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15 comments on “Unpretty

    • Thanks for the reminder! Sometimes it is very difficult when I see how much I have left to go. It was a huge step to actually write down those numbers

  • Please remember to set SMART goals along your journey: Specific, measurable, action-oriented, reasonable, time-oriented. I find that breaking it down helps. Like how many times a week i exercise, glasses of water and the like. You’ll get there – stay strong and focused. It’s a journey.

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