Every time I start to think I have my shit together, I quickly realize it’s an illusion. I’m still making bad choices. Worse than that, I am still repeating bad choices.
Things are still coasting along with the Unicorn. He has mentioned on a couple of occasions that he doesn’t want a commitment. And I really do. At least I do with him. I feel so strongly for him. So what am I doing to cope with the fact that one day he will likely cut me off? I’m trying to soften the blow by finding other men. There’s a problem, none of them come close to comparing to Unicorn.
I have talked a little about my submissiveness. It’s still very much alive and well. From reading and talking to people more experienced than me, I have come to the conclusion I am not a sub, I am actually a babygirl in need of a Daddy. I need a gentle soul with a firm hand. I’ve always fought the idea because I thought it was for crazy people. And maybe it is, maybe I’m crazy.
That sends me back to the drawing board on FetLife. I updated my profile to reflect my new realization. I’ve gotten several messages, but nothing really ever pans out. And I have already had one bad experience there. I know that it’s mostly my own fault. I am not going about things the right way. I made a commitment to change. But have a followed through? Of course not!
I’ve been talking to someone from FetLife, let’s call him B. B is thirteen years my senior. That in and of itself is a bit out of my comfort zone, but why the hell not? Right? We’ve been doing the Daddy/babygirl thing through text. It all came to a head yesterday when he asked if I was ready to meet. I very much was! I was in need of a release. And I need that side of me to be expressed. I told him there was a bar close to work that I could meet him at. We agreed on a time and he would only have a short time with me before he needed to get to a meeting. I told him that was too bad because I couldn’t take him to my place after the bar. He told me his car had limo tint on the windows. I’m no where near ok with that idea, so I told him to meet me at my house. Brilliant. As always. We had a lovely time and then he was on his way to his meeting. I wasn’t quite feeling it, but it wasn’t so bad that I wouldn’t do it again. He sent me a couple of texts last night saying I did very well and Daddy was pleased. He was also telling me that he wasn’t able to concentrate in his meeting. We exchanged another few short texts again this morning.
I went to text him this afternoon and realized that he had blocked my messages as well as blocking me on FetLife. Now, I have had guys quickly disappear like that before, but not after saying they enjoyed it. How do you say you enjoy the sex and then just disappear??!! If you don’t want to talk to me anymore, than just don’t.
I’m not cut out for this shit anymore. Unicorn has given me a taste of what I actually want. And I want him. And maybe I should cut all of this other stuff out until we see where this lands.
I’m just so afraid of the hole he may leave in my heart.