I’ve been on a writing hiatus. I’ve been in a dark place and I wasn’t ready to write all that darkness down. Prepare yourself, this is bound to be a long one.
Things have been rough for me. I’ve been working long hours at work that have left me little time for myself or anything else. I’m backed into a corner right now trying to refinance my house as the last step to completely severing ties with Ron.On top of that, I’ve had some health issues. And as if this wasn’t enough, my scumbag brain has been very concerned that the Unicorn will disappear soon.
Last weekend was the first weekend without the Unicorn in a while. He had old friends come to town and he warned me several weeks in advance that he would be out of touch for the weekend. I was completely okay with that.
But then last weekend happened.
I have two dogs, one sleeps in the kennel and one sleeps in my bed with me every night. Last Friday night, I woke up in the middle of the night to a bed that was shaking. I realized that my poor girl was shaking uncontrollably, panting, and crying. She also vomited a few times. It was a long night with little sleep. I texted the Unicorn as I was getting ready to bring her to the vet. I was in my dark place and was venting about everything going on. I was also very sleep deprived so my emotions were running on high.
I took her to the vet and after spending more money that was supposed to be used for the refinance, we got her all figured out. She’s okay.
We get home and I receive a text from the Unicorn. It was a screenshot from a conversation on OkCupid. Some girl just being a complete idiot, which in hindsight was really funny, but remember my scumbag brain? I completely melted down. No sleep and now no response from him about the things bothering me, just some conversation that reminds me that he is still on OkC. I sat at my kitchen table and the tears fell. And fell. Kevin(roommate) walked out and witnessed my meltdown firsthand. He didn’t know what to do. He just sat and listened as I babbled on for a while. He’s as confused about the Unicorn’s mixed signals as me. He’s been seeing them firsthand. I decided the best course of action was to go back to bed. I laid in my bed, curled up with my doped up dog, and cried myself to sleep. I slept all day.
I made a conscious decision to distance myself from the Unicorn. I didn’t really hear from him the rest of the weekend. On late Sunday night, I sent him a text saying that I needed someone to talk to and would like to have a phone conversation with him. He told me he was on his way to bed, but would call me the next evening. Monday was miserable. This whole week was. I started to put up a wall against him. He called me Monday night and we talked for a while about all of my problems(except him). At the end of the conversation, he told me he was worried about me. It gave me a little hope, but I kept going with my walls.
My week sucked. Work is driving me crazy. I know I am part of the problem, my personal life is bleeding into my work life. My depression had taken over and was sucking every bit of life out of me. On Wednesday, I had a particularly rough day. I had an altercation with a coworker. I couldn’t handle being in the same room with anyone. I asked the Unicorn if there was any way he would meet me for a drink that night. I just needed to get away for a bit. I was quite surprised when he agreed to it, on a week night. He came over to get me and when he walked in, I grabbed my things and started to walk out the door. I normally greet him with warm affection, but remember the wall. He grabbed me around the waist, and pulled me in for a kiss. Well then.
We had a nice dinner and he paid, which was weird because we always split the bill. We came back to my house and as soon as we walked in the door, he came behind me and wrapped his arms around me. He lightly kissed my neck. We went to bed and had a little quickie. It was getting late for a school night, so I expected him to leave soon after. He laid there and talked to me. I pulled away and started to tell him it was time for him to go as it was late. He told me he wasn’t ready because he enjoyed talking to me so much. He stayed a while longer and we made plans to see each other again Friday night. I was even more confused about things when left than before I saw him that night.
Everyone has an opinion about this situation. I’m just a booty call to him…he’s not emotionally available….we need to have a feelings/exclusivity talk…etc. All I know is that I need him in my life.
On Friday we decided to grab a quiet drink somewhere and walk around downtown. I got all dressed up. I went all out and did my makeup and everything. He’s never seen me in makeup. He walked in to get me and immediately complimented me. We got in the car and headed out. We had some drinks and walked around, stopping into different places for more drinks. It was a fairly quiet night, so we ended up at my favorite place with the balcony all to ourselves. We sat and people watched and just chatted and laughed.
He was telling me stories about his friends and I remarked that I would love to meet them after hearing so much about them. He started to say something along the lines of “Well…I don’t know about that” and then trailed off. We had both had enough to drink by that time and I had a fair idea of what the rest of the sentence was supposed to be. So I asked why.
Unicorn: Because I don’t know how serious this is
Daisy: How serious do you want it to be?
Unicorn: I don’t know, I’m not ready to answer to anyone. I like having my freedom and not having to answer to anyone.
Daisy: I don’t want you to answer to me, I just want to know that I won’t be replaced. I don’t even care if there is someone else you are sleeping with. Just please don’t disappear and replace me
Unicorn: That’s fair and I feel the same way
I went on to tell him that I disabled my okc account because I kept looking at his last login date and getting a little upset about it. I explained that my meltdown last weekend was largely due to him. I let everything out. He kept up to use the restroom soon after and I was a little concerned he wouldn’t return. I thought I had just royally fucked up. I was thinking that this was the last time I would see him. All of the worst case scenarios running through my mind. He returned and we went back to normal conversation. He did tell me he was glad we finally had that talk. We held hands. Walked around some more. Did a lot of gazing into each other’s eyes. Nothing changed.
We eventually made it back to the house and went straight to bed. We were too tired and intoxicated for any playtime. We both stripped down and got into bed. We fell asleep wrapped up in each other. And the pup slept with us for the first time. It was such a happy thing. It felt like home.
We woke up this morning and kicked the pup out the room. I made him some coffee and laid in his lap and chatted a while. We had so many intimate moments. I just felt loved.
A few weeks ago, I ordered some candles to play with in bed as he had expressed interest in that and it was something that I always wanted to try. They came in Friday, so we decided to try them out this morning. We had no idea what we were doing. I laid out an old sheet over my bed and we began to experiment. As soon as the first bit of wax was on his skin, we quickly realized we would need to shower after playing. That’s when he told me he had never showered with anyone before. I love showering with someone, so I was more than willing to be his first. We played with the wax for a bit and then he decided to give me some attention in another way. He laid me down and passionately kissed me, running his hand down to my dripping wet slit. He fingered me into the best orgasm I ever remember having. I trembled in his arms for at least a full minutes as I rode it out. It didn’t seem to end. I was at home in his arms. He then laid down next to me and held me. I started to grab at him, but he told me not to because he just wanted me to enjoy this moment. He told me I had been too stressed out and he just wanted me as relaxed as possible. After a while of laying like that, we took a shower. We washed every bit of each other. It was so soothing. He seemed to really enjoy it was well. We got out the shower and he wanted to get back into bed for more cuddles and talking. So we did.
He eventually left as he had plans with his friends tonight. I went back to bed and then got my nails done. It has been the best day I’ve had in weeks. Even if our relationship doesn’t fit in a pretty little labeled box, I am so happy he is in my life right now.
(And Scandal is back this week. This scene and song are kind of how I feel right now)