While spending time with the Unicorn this weekend, the topic of goodbye kisses came up. I spoke about the Beast and how I knew that the last time I kissed him would be the last kiss for us. It was just this feeling I had. It’s not the first time that’s happened to me. He told me that he’s had one of those as well. It really is weird how those feel and how you just know.
This weekend was so good. I felt so cared about. So loved. So much of everything that I’ve needed. That I’ve wanted. This week has been nice. I feel re-centered. I’ve been handling everything very level headed. Nothing could bring me down this week.
Everyday for the last two months, I’ve had conversations with The Unicorn. Every night, before he goes to sleep, he tells me goodnight. He didn’t this Monday. It struck me as odd. He told me the next morning that he had fallen asleep. It felt off to me. I didn’t quite believe it, but I had no reason not to.
Tonight, I asked him about our plans for this weekend. He said he had plans Friday night. I half way jokingly asked if it was a date, but in my heart, I knew that it was.
Sadly, I was right.
I had nothing to say in response. I wanted to yell, scream, cry. I want to be angry with him.
I’m numb, though. So very numb.
I’ve asked him to cut off physical contact with me for at least a few weeks until I get this sorted out in my head. This hurts more than anything I’ve felt since the divorce. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to get attached.
And we agreed to keep our friendship. We talked about striking a balance there. Neither of us wants to lose the other one. I’ve been friend zoned.
I told my roommate to expect to need earplugs this weekend, but I don’t even know that I feel up to that.
I want someone to talk to. I want to know someone cares.
Turns out that after discussing goodbye kisses, the Unicorn gave me mine.