From time to time, I reply to personal ads on reddit in the r4r subreddit. Today, I was home sick from work and just browsing what was out there. A particular post struck a chord with me for reasons that I still can’t quite put my finger on. We spoke for a little bit on reddit, moved it to text, and then it turned to a phone call. In just the short conversation we had, I realized so much about myself.
Tears fell during that conversation. I haven’t been able to cry lately. I still can’t make myself cry more than the few tears that happened, but dammit it was something. First, you need to understand how unusual this has been that I haven’t cried. I used to cry for everything. And anything. All the time. Ron suffered from severe allergy problems and once yelled at me because I had used all of the kleenex. I would cry when I was happy, I would cry when I was sad, I would cry when one of those ASPCA commercials came on, I would cry when I heard a song that reminded me of someone, I would cry when I saw a cardinal that reminded me of my grandmother.
I don’t cry anymore. And that’s been bugging me.
When the Unicorn ended things last week, there should have been so many tears, but I am so numb.
There was a lot crammed into our short conversation. Here is what I did realize from what he said. It’s time to date me for a little while. I’ve turned off OkCupid, FetLife, and Tinder. I’m very seriously considering deleting kik.
I need to be okay in the silence.
I’ve been giving myself up too easily to all of these men and that makes me undesirable. The Unicorn even told me yesterday that I needed to wait to have sex with someone when I meet them. It also shows that I don’t value myself enough.
So I think it’s time to start a new life of sorts. Time to date me. Time to not have sex. Time to figure out who I am and what I want.
This is going to take a lot of patience and restraint on my part and it may make blogging boring for a bit. I do think this is what needed to happen though.