It’s ironic. I can’t sleep tonight. I snuck away from my warm bed cuddled up in the very protective arms of Gigs. He was softly snoring and I was silently sobbing. He can protect me from everything, but he can’t protect me from myself. And I’m the enemy right now. I’m sitting in the office of my house. I’ve mostly avoided this room since Ron moved out last January. It’s a painful place to be. And yet right now, I needed to be in here. I needed to feel close to him somehow. It was Ron who used to leave our bed in the middle of the night to come into this room and find himself in all sorts of trouble. I’m not in here for trouble. I just need to get these feelings out.
I can’t believe he’s gone. I am so angry at him. I’m so angry at everyone around me. No one understands what I am going through. I loved him. I could have saved him. No one knows what to say to me. And I don’t know what to say to them. I don’t know what I need. I know what I don’t need. I don’t need people asking me how he managed to kill himself. Did he leave a note? Was he sick? Why does it matter to people who were complete strangers to him. Where are people’s compassion. All that matters is that he is gone. And he can never come back.
Some people have just flat out made me angry. Some expect me to go on living my life like nothing happened. Like I didn’t have to say goodbye to the love of my life again. The second time. This time the goodbye was finite. And I didn’t get to say what I wanted to say. We held a memorial service in town for those of us unable to make it to the actual funeral out of state. It was a small service where we could all share what we had to say. Here’s what I had to say:
Ron,It is so hard to believe that you are gone. So many people have reached out since we learned of your passing. So many people loved you.Like everyone else here today, I also loved you. You were my first true love. I spent all of my adult life until now with you. Loving you. Like all married couples, we had our ups and downs, but I couldn’t imagine spending that time of my life any other way. You taught me so many things during that time. You taught me what love was and most importantly, you taught me how to love myself.I always told you that you were the most ridiculous person I ever knew, and sweetie, you still hold that title. We had a special nickname for Ron that isn’t exactly church appropriate, but just know that if he was going to do anything, he was going to do it all the way. Even if it wasn’t something he was supposed to do. Someone ask (his bosses) about that time he deleted all of those email accounts. They can tell you all about how dedicated he was!All kidding aside, Ron always took very good care of me,(our rabbit),(our dog), and (our cat). He started working here at (church memorial was held) when I needed surgery in college. He looked at (our dog) one day and said, “(Dog), I guess I’m going to have to get a job to take care of you and your momma.” And take care of us he did. Even after we split up, Ron would still find a reason to see me and make sure I was okay. We still tried to take care of each other as much as possible.I will leave you with one of my favorite “ridiculous Ron” stories. While we were dating, I used to cry a lot. For anyone who spent anytime with Ron near anything green, you would know that he was terribly allergic to anything and everything. There was one night where I had been crying and gone through almost a whole box of kleenex. Unfourtantely, he also had a terrible allegy attack that night. He went for the kleenex box to find that there was only one or two left. He looked at me and said, “Damnit Daisy, why do you always have to use all of the kleenex?!” We laughed about it everyday after that. I also made sure our house was always well stocked on kleenex.Ron, you’ve made us use all of the kleenex.
Ron,You have left so much pain and hurt behind. You were never able to understand how many people truly loved you and cared for you. You touched so many. You were sick. For some fucking reason, mental illness is something we aren’t supposed to talk about. You and I talked about it a lot. We knew it was more than the depression diagnosis they gave you. There was so much more to it than that. I gave everything I had to you. I wanted to help you so badly. In the end, I wasn’t there when you needed me most. I’m so sorry. There will probably never be a day that goes by that I don’t think about how sorry I am. How I could have saved your life. How I was the one you reached out to that day. Not a single other soul. I was too selfish and too ready to prove a point and move on from you than to answer you. What if I had answered you? Would that have stopped you? Would that have only delayed the inevitable? We all want answers. You left your poor parents with no one but each other. Their only son is gone. I’m trying to hold it together for them, but for god’s sake I can’t talk to your mother without both of us completely falling to pieces. I wasn’t ready to be strong. Once again, I am taking care of others when I’m the one who needs to be taken care of. No one can take care of me now. You left me with so much pain. The time that I had you committed before we were married, I was with you when you told them your plans. So coldly. And you plan was something quick. You told them that it was so that there wouldn’t be a mess for me to clean after. You meant the physical mess, but Ron, you left a giant mess for me to clean. It just isn’t a physical one. You’ve caused me more pain than you’ll ever know. Everyone wants answers. Everyone is looking to me for answers. I don’t have any. And I don’t want to talk about it with them. No one knew you like I did. No one knows the pain you suffered through each day and each and every sleepless night. The pain we suffered through together because I never felt good enough for you. I now know that nothing would have ever been truly good enough for you. You were sick. You needed help. Why didn’t you let us help you? You also don’t know that only a few short weeks before you made this decision, I also made a decision. I applied to grad school. To become a counselor. And now I know that it’s my purpose. I have to save everyone that I possibly can because I wasn’t able to save you.Daisy