Breaking up with myself

Published July 13, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

My writing hiatus is pretty similar to the hiatus I have recently taken from life.  Since Ron’s death, I have been a bit of a wreck.  Couple his passing with my summer break(I’m a teacher) and you have a recipe for disaster.  The D word snuck it’s way in and took me by surprise.  I didn’t realize until it was almost too late.  Things came to a head yesterday.  But let’s back track and see how we got to this point, shall we?

Ron passed away on May 11. This was about two weeks from the end of the school year.  A month into dating Gigs.  I was on auto pilot for the last two weeks of school.  Once school was out, my adult responsibilities dwindled. I had a few nights of severe anxiety that lead me to not sleeping.  This quickly became my summer norm of not sleeping at night(and sometimes very little during the day). I was tired, irritable, and sad. And angry. At everyone.  I was ready to kick Kevin(my roommate) out for no damn good reason.  I started just going through the motions.  My stepmom and sister visited in June and that threw things off even more.  My stepmom and I have never really seen eye to eye on things and I don’t find her to be a very compassionate person.  This just made me more irritable.

And where has Gigs been? Right here by my side. Spending every minute he can with me. Accepting me on the days that I choose not to shower.  Being okay with ordering in when I should really be cooking dinner.  Helping clean up my house when he gets home from work even though I had all day to do it. And never saying a single negative word on any of these things.

Yesterday morning I woke up just angry. I was angry that Gigs was in my bed. I was angry that we were going to spend our Sunday doing chores. So angry that I turned away when he tried to touch me. I put my phone in front of my face when he tried to talk to me. Finally, I told him that he was smothering me and that I didn’t ever see a time when both of us would be happy because he would always want more and I would always want less.  I was five seconds away from breaking up with him. And then I really looked at his face and saw the pain. And I couldn’t do it. He told me he was going to give me space for the day. And when he was getting dressed, it really hit me that I was the problem. I’ve been so depressed and blaming my unhappiness on everyone else. Falling deeper into the hole by pushing people away.  I didn’t actually want space from Gigs. One of the things I loved most about him when we met was that he was so affectionate with me and now I hated him for it. I still craved that affection deep down.

We then had a very open conversation. I’m going to work on getting myself on a schedule and getting chores done during the day so that we can have fun together on nights and weekends.  I told him that I almost broke up with him.  He was completely level headed the entire time.  I don’t know how he does it.  But it makes me appreciate him even more.

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One comment on “Breaking up with myself

  • My wife just saw one of her therapists today and they made a very similar comment that he depression and emotional outbursts are a direct result of her being bi-polar. She is off her “routine” and being off that routine is causing some emotional trauma.

    Perhaps scheduling things a bit more might help you be more emotionally stable? Biggest positive is that you and Gigs talked, so you were not leaving those emotions to fester. Good for you!

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