I’m finally starting to break free from the funk that has had a strong hold on my life for the last four months. I’ve been stuck in my own thoughts for the last few months. It’s a scary place to be.
Ron’s death has impacted me in so many ways. I lost sleep so many times this summer obsessing over what happens to us when we die. It’s always a question that I’ve avoided thinking about because it causes me great anxiety to not have a definitive answer. For the last few months, the question has been on the forefront of my mind. It kept me up many nights. I’ve more or less accepted the unknown for the time being. It’s made me question every choice I make. This life is so temporary. Why does it matter if I make morally sound choices if there is no one to judge me in the end. Maybe I am horribly wrong and I will be judged in the end.
It’s also forced me to come to grips with our relationship which has greatly affected my relationship with Gigs. More and more lately I have been missing Ron. While things got to be downright ugly sometimes, I really did love Ron very much. And I am certain that he loved me just as much. The difference was his sickness sometimes prevented him from showing me his love. I miss that he always knew exactly what I needed to make me happy, to calm me down, to make me smile. I even sometimes miss that he knew exactly what to do to get a rise out of me. I miss sneaking away to his apartment even after we were divorced just so I could sit in the silence with him.
Things with Gigs have been so up and down. This can be attributed to my own mood swings. When I am happy, I am so in love with him, but when I’ve been feeling overwhelmed or in pain, I take it out on him and I find every fault in our relationship. He never loses his temper with me or gets upset with me. He never stands up for himself. It bugs the crap out of me sometimes. We’ve talked about it several times. I am finally starting to see a slight difference in his communication. We keep going back and forth on the idea of him moving in with me because he hasn’t stayed at his own place in months. I am sure it will happen, but I keep second guessing my choices. Some days I miss the thrill of the chase that I had before him. Some days I just miss having a house completely to myself. I was getting good at taking care of myself, but I don’t know if I should be taking care of anyone else right now. I’ve been very open with my feelings with him lately. I’m trying to work on getting the same from him.
Basically I’ve been very introspective lately. It seems to be bad for me. But I can’t help myself.