This was not a good weekend for me. My dark and twisty side definitely came out. I didn’t want to leave my bed for anything from the time I got home on Friday. So I didn’t for a lot of the weekend. Best friend Glen made me get out Friday evening. And my other friend, Tinka needed to get away Saturday, so I sucked it up and got up for a while then. I cried a lot. I’ve been avoiding any conversation with Glen that would share any of my feelings for the last four months. Everything came pouring out on Friday night. It’s not pretty. I sent a text to one of my friends, H, that I work with. I told him I needed a mental health day. And while that’s the truth, I feel guilty when I miss a day of work. I don’t like doing that to my students. So I went to work anyways. I was just down. I’ve been feeling like I can’t breathe. H called it dread, but it’s far worse then dread. It’s a feeling of uselessness. What’s my purpose? Why am I here? Does anything really matter?
Luckily, H is pretty good at making me smile. He’s also good at tough love, which I needed. After work, I stopped by Ron’s old place of work. I’m still friends with the people he worked with(Tinka is one of them). They just changed offices, so it was a lot easier for me to visit there because I don’t have a connection to the actual building. It’s also nice to be around people who understand who I miss. There are still remnants of Ron at the office. I’m sure there always will be. It was so nice to be there.
Today reminded me that there are people who love me. If there is no other purpose in life, it’s to spend time with them.