Carnage

Published December 29, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

I’m over halfway through my two week winter break from work and I think I’ve about hit rock bottom.  It’s been one for the books for sure.  It started with the shooting on Monday, meeting with Cade Tuesday to discuss why I didn’t think he should propose to his girlfriend, Christmas Eve dinner with Tinka and a couple of other friends, and Christmas night with Glen(my best friend)  and AJ and a bar.

I’d mentioned previously that I had talked to Sheldon about us and it hadn’t gone well. I told him I just wanted to be friends. He proceeded to try to fix the issues I had with what was going on, but I knew it just wasn’t going to be enough to make things work. So I tried to lay low with him all week. I didn’t ignore him, but I didn’t initiate contact either because I didn’t want to lead him on.

Saturday night, Glen and I decided to go back to our favorite bar. My phone had been blowing up with many different guys trying to get into my pants.  I also had Leonard messaging me about going to his New Year’s Eve party.  Sheldon will likely be there and there would be space for us to spend the night.  I told Leonard I wasn’t crazy about the idea because of Sheldon being there.  I didn’t think that would be good for either of us.

Later in the night, after a few drinks, I sent Sheldon a text that simply said, “I miss you.”  That was where things started to go awry.  I also concocted a plan to sleep with someone else to test whether or not I truly missed Sheldon. So I let one of the wonderful men from tinder come over.

Now he(we will call him Ref) deserves a post all on his own, but I am going to include him here.  Ref is pretty much spot on my type in the looks department.  And that’s all that really matters because it’s just sex from tinder.  He clearly had not been with anyone in a while.  He was an amazing kisser.  He knew exactly how to touch me, but when he put the condom on, he went limp.  I think there was too much buildup and too much pressure, but it didn’t really happen for us.  He eventually left and we talked about plans for another time.

Sunday morning, I woke up to a Facebook message from Chance asking if I believed in second chances.  I never really wrote about Chance before.  I met Chance about a year and a half ago on OkC.  It was a very short lived thing(from what I remember) that involved one night of sex and him trying quite a few times to make it happen again.  I responded to his message and we made lunch plans.  As I was getting ready, I received a call from my bank that there had been fraudulent charges on my account and my card had been deactivated.  So at that point, I called Chance and told him to just come over.  So he did.  He parked behind my roommate, so I asked him to move his car behind mine.  Except there was a problem.  Suddenly his car couldn’t shift out of park.  So he called his mom to come over and pretend she was driving it so she could use her AAA.  So I sat at my kitchen table with Chance and his mom for an hour waiting for the tow truck.  It was so very awkward.  They finally got that settled, and we decided to watch a movie. We cuddled up on the sofa and made it through the entire movie.  As soon as the credits hit, his mouth found mine and his hand was in my pants.  I then quickly remembered how sexually incompatible I had found us to be the first time around.  We messed around a bit, and I know he left very disappointed with no sex and no release for him, but I really wasn’t feeling it.

In the midst of all of that, I got a text from Sheldon saying he missed me too and he wanted to see me NYE at Leonard’s.  I told him I needed more time to think about it.  Which was the truth.  I literally wrote out pros and cons and talked to a couple of people that I trust.  I knew what I needed to do, but I wasn’t prepared to do so.

On Monday, I went to they gym with H.  We work together and we are very close. I was telling him all about everything going on and he agreed that I needed to let Sheldon know it was over sooner rather than later.  And during all of this, I noticed something. H was very calm and collected.  It was like he had had a week off of work. Oh wait, we had.  So why was I still so high strung?  Because I let myself be. I let all of these stupid things happen.  It was time to relax the rest of the break.

I went home and sent Sheldon a text.  I told him that I didn’t want to hurt him, so I thought it was best we went our separate ways now.  Which was true.  I do like him and I did miss him, but I knew it wasn’t a forever relationship.  Eventually I would end up breaking his heart. So let’s do it now when it hurts less.  Again, he didn’t take it well.  The last thing he said was “Cut the crap, you are doing this so that you don’t end up hurt.” I blocked him after that because I didn’t want to hear anything mean from him. I knew that was just anger speaking.  But I was being honest. I was not the one that was going to end up hurt.  He was just going to be more carnage left behind in my life.  I couldn’t bare to do that.

That brings us to today. Oh, today.  Today makes two years since Ron and I split.  And tomorrow would have made our four year wedding anniversary.  And I miss him because Christmas was always our time.  So I am feeling extra rough.  So today I did what we always did after Christmas. I went to the Hallmark store and bought ornaments for half off.  It was one of our favorite things to do together.  Then, I went on a date with myself. I went to the movies and laughed my way through the movie Sisters.  By myself. And I enjoyed it.  I picked up dinner on the way home.   It finally hit me that I can be by myself.  It’s okay. I love me.  I love spending time with myself.  I then went back out and picked up a journal.  I have so many plans for myself.  So many improvements.   I want to start by going dark on almost all forms of social media. Delete OkCupid, tinder, facebook, twitter, instagram.  I just haven’t found the strength to do it yet.  I need to heal before I start actually dating again.  And I feel like all of those things are just toxic to me right now.

I want to be the best me, so that I can find the best him.

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