I’ve just been chugging along for the last few weeks. I’ve completely deleted Facebook, Tinder, OkCupid and most other forms of social media/dating sites. I’ve been to the gym at least five times a week. I’ve pretty much stopped drinking. I haven’t been eating carbs. I’ve been spending an average of 10 hours a day at school. I haven’t had any sex since Zeus. Physically, I’ve had so much more energy. I’ve felt alive. Focused. Driven. I feel like I am getting somewhere at work.
But I still feel like I am missing things. Some days, I feel stagnant. I want to get out of this town. Meet new people. See the world. H pointed out that I should feel anything but stagnant right now, but I really can’t help it.
Then today happened.
We are off of work today because it is Mardi Gras. I personally don’t care to celebrate Mardi Gras, so I just planned to make the most of my day off. I got up and went to the gym with my friends H and C. They immediately noticed that I was quiet and looked angry. I realized that I had been deep in thought and I have been a little irritated with different things. We did our workout and I went to drop them back off at home. H pointed out the work they had done in their yard yesterday and was explaining to me that it wouldn’t take long for me to do the same to my yard. And my yard desperately needs it. They then started to get out of the car and I completely melted down. They then asked me to come inside and talk. But I couldn’t talk. I was sure how to communicate what made me cry, when I wasn’t sure myself.
Then it really hit me. I’m so sick of being alone. I’m tired of doing things by myself. Talking about cleaning out my yard felt so overwhelming because I knew I would be doing it alone and I’ve really let it go this past year. I’ve been keeping myself so busy, that I haven’t noticed how lonely I really am.
I also feel like I do so much for others and don’t really receive anything in return. I’m tired of being walked all over, but I’m too nice to make it stop.
Being the amazing friends they are, H and C went shopping with me and then came home with me to tackle the project that was my yard. They did an amazing job and I am so thankful to have them around.