The last week and a half has been a weepy time.
The last thing I wrote about was the July 4th party I attended on July 3rd. I was surrounded by pretty, paired off people. It took a huge toll on my self-esteem.
I cried for at least three hours straight on the morning of the 4th. I cried for so many reasons, many of which I couldn’t articulate even if I tried. I finally dragged myself out of bed and went to the gym with H and Glen. My eyes were swollen, I was pissy and short, and I just didn’t want to talk. Both asked me separately if I was okay. I was honest and said no, but I also didn’t want to talk about it. H pushed again through text once I was home and I was able to get a little of it out. He’s honestly been amazing as always at keeping a perfect distance during this time. I think it’s also because it’s a perfect distance for him as well. Glen came home with me after the gym and we grilled some food and I consumed a good bit of alcohol. I thought that would be the end of that.
It hasn’t been. I’ve cried almost every day since then. I’ve been a bitch to many people around me, purposely pushing them away. I want to be alone. And at the very same time, I don’t want to be alone.
I was finally able to sort of put words to my issues in a text to AJ after I completely ignored him for a weekend.
It’s the unsettling loneliness coupled with feeling disposable to anyone I care about. And feeling stagnant and stuck in a place I never wanted to be in the first place. I’ve cried everyday for almost a week straight. I make myself get up and leave the house and not stay in bed all day and it doesn’t help. Nothing helps. I’ve been a bitch to everyone around me. I can’t see and end in sight.
I think one of the main issues at play may be the Fish. I am not one of his priorities and he makes that very clear. I don’t quite understand the way he thinks. He obviously cares and values me outside of sex as he talks to me about personal things. He is just completely detached from me at the same time. I want more and I obviously am not going to get it. He knows that something has been off and he has offered his help, but I think the only help he could possibly give me right now is to let me go. I’m not ready for that yet. It’s going to hurt like hell.
I miss the relationship I used to have with the Unicorn. I miss having someone to go do things with: hiking, the zoo, random adventures. I miss having someone to talk to like that.
I have been still active on reddit, Okcupid, tinder, and bumble. I’ve come to appreciate bumble a bit more. I’ve met a guy there that I will hopefully meet up with soon. We’ve been texting almost two weeks now. He’s sweet. I don’t want to get my hopes up right now though.
I put an ad on r4r on reddit last week. I got a few responses and one stuck out. We exchanged texts and even a nearly two hour phone call. It was great, then he implied I was a slut(actually using the word slut). I can’t stand for that. That had me sour for a couple of days on its own.
So what am I doing to help all of these things? I am communicating with multiple men as to not put all my eggs in one basket. I registered for a test to get certified to teach another subject to beef up my resume. I’ve been keeping as busy as possible. I started a crochet blanket. I’ve been preparing for the new school year.
I still feel empty. I’m missing something.