This summer has absolutely flown by. I started back to work this week, and it was perfect timing because it keeps me busy and gets me back to a routine that I have been craving. I’ve been mulling over a few things lately, and it was time to get them written down.
First, there is H and C. I’ve been cautious about writing about them previously for their protection. They are actually quite important to me. I don’t have a large number of friends here, and I don’t have any family here, so they are my rocks. Especially H. C may possibly be taking a job outside of our state, and of course H would be going as well. I’ve tried to just listen to H talk about it, as I know he isn’t thrilled with the idea, but he loves C and would do anything to make things work. I actually really admire their relationship. Needless to say, I don’t want them to move. Thinking about staying here without them here feels so empty. We’ve half joked/half seriously discussed me moving as well. I never intended on staying where I am, but I don’t really care for the place they are going either. I also can’t financially move as soon as they can, it will take me a couple of years before I feel like that is a financially sound idea. Time will tell what happens there, and I’m just trying not to think about it.
That brings me to my next point, The Fish. I know, it’s all I’ve written about for the last four months. This has lasted much longer than I expected, and I don’t really see the end of it in sight. As a followup to my last post, we went out for drinks and had a really nice time that night, but he did end up coming home with me. It was great. We’ve kept up our routine of seeing each other once a week and constantly talking between. I’ve all but stopped initiating conversations with him, but I still hear from him every day. He knows about H and how I feel about that, and he’s tried to stay a positive outlet for me.
Fish came over last night. We’ve been watching a show together. We got into bed and watched our show, while he had a nice whiskey. We barely made it through fifteen minutes of show before we just decided to pause it and talk. We talked for a really long time. Catching up, deep conversations, stories, a little bit of everything. The last two times I’ve seen him, he’s seemed to loosen up a bit with me. Last weekend he was very silly and playful and it was looking like this may be the same last night. We eventually went back to the show. We had a little bit of fun between. We’d pause it, talk, play, go back. It was lovely.
Now here is something that I don’t know if I’ve explicitly stated here. After all of the feelings talk mess we had, he’s stopped kissing me. It’s weird. I was very unhappy the first time it happened, but I know he thinks that’s helping to protect both of us from the feelings monster. Sometimes I will tilt my head towards him and he smoothly pulls away.
Last night, in the show we were watching, one of the characters picks her chin up in preparation for a kiss, and the male character just turns around and walks away. She gets pissy with him, and he has no clue why. I laughed and remarked if he would have just kissed her, he could have just avoided all of that trouble. The Fish asked if I thought that was really what caused it. I said of course it is, I would know, because you do that shit all the time. He practically jumped over me to grab the remote to pause the show and told me we were going to talk.
Fuck. Did I really let those words past the filter?
So I turned to face him and explained myself. I would also like to point out that he had been drinking and I had not. I told him that over the last month or longer, he hasn’t been kissing me. I told him that he came close a couple of times, but I could see the wheels spinning in his head and could tell he felt conflicted, so it was fine because I didn’t want to cross any of his boundaries. He told me that he felt bad about it, and that he realized he had been doing it about two weeks ago and it made him uncomfortable that we had been having sex but not kissing. He held me during this whole, very tough conversation. He held my hand and caressed it. We talked about things. He was having a very difficult time expressing himself, and I think I may know what he was trying to say, but I’m not sure. I don’t want to put words in his mouth. He told me that this relationship was already so complicated and he didn’t want to make it any more so. I felt love from him last night. He was so tender, caring, and careful during this whole thing. After we discussed things at length, he tilted my chin towards him and kissed me so sweetly while rubbing his thumb on my cheek.
Somehow that conversation also went to talking about H and C and I finally cried and got it out. He continued to hold me and comfort me. There was more play and watching the show the rest of the night, but there was a tender affection that had been missing for a long time.
I’m trying to keep telling myself that this is just temporary, but I can’t help but realize how amazing he really is. I don’t want to let him go. I think I may love him. And I really shouldn’t.