Thanksgiving break was depressing. I had very little contact with The Fish which is what we agreed upon. It sucked going from having a very level headed person who is an outsider to work and my circle of friends to talk to every day to silence. His silence was partially to protect me, and partially to pull himself away from the situation and give himself a chance to move on. I really didn’t understand why he needed a chance to move on when he wasn’t invested.
The week after Thanksgiving was a very trying week at work. I was also having a hard time getting things straightened out between insurance, contractors, mortgage company, etc. and there felt like no end in sight. On Saturday, I had a complete and total meltdown. I called my parents(which I really don’t do), and cried about The Fish, work, the house, and just life in general. I had hit rock bottom. I wanted to see them for Christmas, but financially, it just isn’t going to happen. I decided to focus that energy into something, and went out and bought an acoustic guitar. I’ve always wanted to learn, so I thought this weird, quiet time in my life was a good time for it. I started to make peace with the idea that contact with The Fish was going to be very limited if at all.
Sunday morning, I woke up to a text The Fish had sent in the middle of the night. It simply said, “I’m having bad thoughts”. After Ron, I really don’t play around with things said like that. It took some prodding, but The Fish opened up to me about how alone he felt. Essentially my melt down, just a day later. We decided we can’t not be friends, so that officially broke the silence and we went back to speaking on a regular daily basis.
Last Friday, I went out with Glen to have some drinks downtown. I knew The Fish was at a Christmas party, and we texted through the night while we were out. I made a joke that he should come down and dance with me. He told me he didn’t know how. I suggested giving him private dance lessons in his living room. And that, my friends, is how I ended back up in the presence of the Fish. I went to his apartment after his party was over and I was done drinking with Glen. He told me to put on some music and we actually did dance in his living room at three am. We goofed around and laughed like we hadn’t done in a long time. Things had become so serious and mundane before I broke things off. I was constantly analyzing his every move before and not enjoying the moment. This was different. Dancing turned into a Backstreet Boys sing along. And somehow Backstreet Boys led to sex. Very passionate sex. He kissed me a lot(remember he stopped kissing me months ago). We had sex, then cuddle and fell asleep. He woke me up the next morning with more sex. I soaked it all in because I figured once he was sober and awake, he would realize he’d made a huge mistake and pull away.
Boy was I wrong. We talked through text all day Saturday. He was flirty. Saturday night, again I went out and he had a party. We met back up at his place after. He was far too drunk to have sex which really was a first. We still had a good time, cuddles, and a sleepover. I snuck out early the next morning because I had things to take care of, but he when he woke up, he sent me a text regretting I left because he wanted to make up for the no sex the night before.
On Monday, I was back at his place. There was no sex, but I did rewrite his OkCupid profile for him. It was very oddly cathartic.
Thursday was a rough day for me, and he invited me over that night to relax. We just sat around and talked and watched football. Blow job, but no sex.
Friday night, we tried to make things work, but I was tired and didn’t feel well so I went to sleep.
On Saturday(yesterday), I knew he had another party and I was worried about some of the times he has chosen to drive lately. I told him if he needed a ride to let me know and I would gladly come get him. Around 1am, he called and asked if I would come get him and also spend the night. I was sound asleep, but I woke myself up and drove out to get him. He was very appreciative of what I was doing. On the way to his place, he held my hand while caressing it with his thumb. Again, it was goofy and laid back when we got to his place. We had really great sex(which is pretty normal for him). We decided to go to bed, and cuddle some more before falling asleep.
We woke up this morning and he initiated sex again. I know this is the last time I’ll see him for a couple of weeks while he is out of town for the holiday, so I enjoyed every second. I brought him to his car and came home.
I know where he stands. I know he doesn’t see himself with me long term. He knows I love him. There’s no more questioning in anything. I know this may not be the smartest thing to continue like we are, but I am really not ready to be without him in any capacity.