I’ve meant to write so many times between December and now. As of my last post, the silence between The Fish and I had ended and I had spent almost the entire weekend with him. I’ve spent nearly every weekend with him since then. There have been many really good weekends. Alas, I’m cycling back to feeling like I can’t do this. I feel like I’ve been trying to “fake it ’till we make it” and there is never going to be a making it here. I’m just not ready to say goodbye. I don’t understand why he has such a strong grip on me. Maybe it’s because he really is such a good person, and he does care in some capacity. Just not the same way that I care about him. He’s been by my side through a lot of shit for the last year: losing my house, rebuilding my house, the death of a family member, friend drama, family drama, etc. He’s been by my side the entire time. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t appreciate what he has with me more. I think I’m pretty awesome. For some reason my drive to settle down and start having children has really kicked in as of recently and think that has a lot to do with my feeling like I need to pin him down or let him go.
Which brings me to my next thing. I’m finally moved back home!! It took about 8 months since my house received 19 inches of water to clean it out and rebuild, but I’m home! The Fish played a huge part in getting the apartment all packed up and moving me home. It was a long miserable time in a cramped little apartment, but now that I’m home, the house feels so big. Too big. I joked with the Fish about him moving in as my roommate because I can’t handle the quiet. I had a roommate prior to the flood, but I don’t know that I’m ready to go that route again. There’s something so liberating about being able to walk around in your underwear(or less) when you feel like it. I think this is part of what is making me want children so badly right now. I’m ready to fill my home.
Before I can even think about children, I’ve got to get my health and weight in check. I found a doctor I like and I’m working him to get my thyroid levels somewhat normal. I’ve also started really, truly caring about what I am putting into my body. I’ve struggled with stress eating and binging, but I’ve made it about 40 days focusing on healthy eating and I’m down about 22 pounds. It’s definitely a one day at a time thing as I have about 170ish pounds left to go. I’ve got to stay focused this time. Fish has played a large part in keeping me on track as well. He’s focused on his health, so it’s something we are doing together.
That circles me back to the Fish. He’s clearly very intertwined in my day to day life. I feel like I need to start slowly backing away.
Last and certainly not least, the anniversary of Ron’s suicide is very soon. Moving back into the house that we bought together has really brought up a lot of memories. He’s been on my mind a lot lately, so it doesn’t help that that date is coming up. I still miss him. I’ve had quite a few moments lately where I laughed about something to myself and wanted to call or text him to share because he would be the only one to understand, but then reality hits me like a ton of bricks.
One more good thing before I close this out: I’ve been accepted into grad school. I start in the fall and that may be what I need to really get myself out of the rut I feel.
I’m trying really damn hard to make myself be happy right now. Going to fake it ’till I make it.