Here comes the rain again

Published August 24, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

On Tuesday night, I returned “home”. I made temporary plans to stay with a coworker, and asked several people to meet me at my house Wednesday morning.  During the Great Flood, I took 19 inches of water in my house.  Every piece of furniture needed to be removed, all flooring, a few feet of sheetrock, and the insulation behind it.  Then, after the bare 2X4’s dry out, you have to spray to prevent mildew.  It’s a tedious process to say the least.

On Wednesday, we got the furniture and flooring out.  Thursday was the sheetrock.  Friday we rested, and Saturday and Sunday was finishing sheetrock, packing what few belongings I still own, and cleaning a bit.  So many people stopped by.  Family, friends, coworkers, random strangers.  They came with gloves to help, water, and food to feed the workers.  I’ve never felt so loved.  And I needed every bit of it.  Several people remarked that I kept smiling and kept going.  I did, but it was because of how many people were there with me.

The thing that has been hardest to deal with is temporary living situations.  This is the third house I’ve stayed in since I evacuated my house.  I will be leaving here Friday and hopefully headed back to a coworkers.  I put a deposit on an apartment and will be moving in September 6.

I’ve met with contractors and insurance.  I’ve called every company I have an account with to make payment arrangements.  My phone rings nonstop.

I haven’t slept.  It’s making me overly emotional.  I’m also short tempered with most people around me.  Everyone has an opinion on what I should do.  I feel like I keep having the same conversations over and over again.

The most amazing thing through all of this is how much The Fish has stepped it up.  He’s been in constant contact.  Thursday night he spent the night with me in the house I was staying in(I had it to myself).  He brought me a bottle of bourbon and let me cry because he knew I hadn’t cried yet.  On Friday night, he met me for a drink at my favorite bar(which thankfully didn’t flood!) to keep my mind occupied.  He spent the entire day Saturday at my house, helping me and the others there rip out sheet rock and clean up.  It was the first time he had met any of my friends or family.  Saturday night he spent the night again and cuddled me and comforted me.  He called me Sunday to check in.  He even offered to help me with an apartment deposit if I needed it!  He’s seen and heard me cry more than I would like to admit lately.  He’s been simply amazing.

This has been such a humbling experience.  I’m ready to be back in my home.

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Here Comes The Flood

Published August 14, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

It has only been one week since I wrote last, but it feels like years have passed between then and now.  I’m pretty sure I’ve aged a bit in this time.

Wednesday started the school year with students for me.  It was a stressful start because I am teaching three preps this year.  I also scheduled to take a certification test for another subject area Thursday evening, so I was stressed with studying.  I made it through both days, and passed my test!  The Fish told me I should go to his place to celebrate passing the test(he’d also helped me study a bit).  This was a HUGE deal because in the five months I’ve known him, he never even told me where he lived.

It started to rain on my way home from the test Thursday night.  I thought nothing of it, I’ve lived in Louisiana all of my life, that’s what happens here.  I carried my pretty pink polka dot umbrella and went on with my life.  I went to the Fish’s place around 8:30 Thursday evening.  We had a little fun, snuggled up on his sofa, and watched some TV.  Until the power went out at around 10:00.  I had to laugh as he lit candles around his apartment and we forced out conversation.  We were both a little tense and it was literally starting to get heated at that point, so I decided it was time for me to go home.  I was really worried that I wouldn’t be able to get out the gate at the complex, but it was fine.  We joked that I would have to call in to work in the morning “stuck at this dude’s place”.  I got home and went to sleep around midnight, ready for my five am Friday morning.

I woke up Friday morning to the sound of rain.  That was a little odd, but no cause for concern.  I noticed that a nearby school district had cancelled classes for the day, but we still had school.  I got myself ready and to the school around 6:15.  It was raining sideways, so I was still soaking wet, even with an umbrella.  There weren’t many people there and I was starting to hear that we were short staffed because some people couldn’t make it to school with the weather.  Shortly after, they cancelled school in our district.  We laughed it off, wondering why they would do that.  I went to breakfast with some coworkers, then spent most of the day on H‘s sofa.  I went home, took a nap, and watched the rain continue to fall.

That’s when it started to happen.  This is a bit more than a normal summer rain.  It just wasn’t letting up.  I went to bed thinking I was going to stay in and have a quiet weekend.

I woke up Saturday morning and it was still raining.  Roads were starting to close, and news reports were coming in of record flooding.  They talked about rivers cresting at really high levels.  Unprecedented was the word being used repeatedly.  I started to be a little concerned and tried to convince the Fish to come spend the day with me to pass the time.  He seemed to be entertaining the idea.  I decided to run to the store for some essentials in the event I lost electricity.

There was water in my street.  No big deal, right?  Wrong.  Water has never accumulated in my street.  And my house is built up quite a ways, so the water in the street was a little deep.  It wasn’t quite to the sidewalk yet, so I could make it out.  I was starting to be a little concerned and trying to formulate an escape plan just in case.  I got back to the house less than an hour later, and the water was up past the sidewalk.  I knew that if I was going to get out at that point, it needed to be then.

I went into a frenzy of packing a suitcase and essentials for me and the dogs.  I had to find a place to go that wasn’t in danger of flooding and was willing to take the dogs in as well(they each weigh 75 pounds, so most people and places don’t want to deal with that).  I called an aunt in my home town, and she told me to come on.  All of my friends basically laughed at me, thinking I was overreacting.  I told them I would rather be safe than sorry.  I packed up the car and made the two hour drive south.

That was a little over 24 hours ago.  The last update I received from my next door neighbor was at 5:30 this morning.  The water was to our doors and he was being rescued by boat.  I’ve seen some pictures and videos from our neighborhood, and my best estimate is that there is at least 2-3 feet of water in my house.

Many people I know are in the same situation, some even worse.  Some are trapped in their homes. I am safe and dry, but I know it will be a long road ahead.  I’m ready to get home to assess the damage and get things repaired.  I know it’s just stuff, but I am heartbroken, and I feel alone right now.  I just want someone to sit with.  Someone to hold my hand.

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One of the pups finally getting some peaceful sleep after a rough few days.

 

Sweet Kisses

Published August 6, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

This summer has absolutely flown by.  I started back to work this week, and it was perfect timing because it keeps me busy and gets me back to a routine that I have been craving.  I’ve been mulling over a few things lately, and it was time to get them written down.

First, there is H and C.  I’ve been cautious about writing about them previously for their protection.  They are actually quite important to me.  I don’t have a large number of friends here, and I don’t have any family here, so they are my rocks.  Especially H.  C may possibly be taking a job outside of our state, and of course H would be going as well. I’ve tried to just listen to H talk about it, as I know he isn’t thrilled with the idea, but he loves C and would do anything to make things work.  I actually really admire their relationship.  Needless to say, I don’t want them to move.  Thinking about staying here without them here feels so empty.  We’ve half joked/half seriously discussed me moving as well.  I never intended on staying where I am, but I don’t really care for the place they are going either. I also can’t financially move as soon as they can, it will take me a couple of years before I feel like that is a financially sound idea.   Time will tell what happens there, and I’m just trying not to think about it.

That brings me to my next point, The Fish.  I know, it’s all I’ve written about for the last four months.  This has lasted much longer than I expected, and I don’t really see the end of it in sight.  As a followup to my last post, we went out for drinks and had a really nice time that night, but he did end up coming home with me.  It was great.  We’ve kept up our routine of seeing each other once a week and constantly talking between.  I’ve all but stopped initiating conversations with him, but I still hear from him every day.  He knows about H and how I feel about that, and he’s tried to stay a positive outlet for me.

Fish came over last night.  We’ve been watching a show together.  We got into bed and watched our show, while he had a nice whiskey.  We barely made it through fifteen minutes of show before we just decided to pause it and talk.  We talked for a really long time.  Catching up, deep conversations, stories, a little bit of everything.  The last two times I’ve seen him, he’s seemed to loosen up a bit with me.  Last weekend he was very silly and playful and it was looking like this may be the same last night.  We eventually went back to the show.  We had a little bit of fun between.  We’d pause it, talk, play, go back.  It was lovely.

Now here is something that I don’t know if I’ve explicitly stated here.  After all of the feelings talk mess we had, he’s stopped kissing me.  It’s weird.  I was very unhappy the first time it happened, but I know he thinks that’s helping to protect both of us from the feelings monster.  Sometimes I will tilt my head towards him and he smoothly pulls away.

Last night, in the show we were watching, one of the characters picks her chin up in preparation for a kiss, and the male character just turns around and walks away.  She gets pissy with him, and he has no clue why.  I laughed and remarked if he would have just kissed her, he could have just avoided all of that trouble.  The Fish asked if I thought that was really what caused it.  I said of course it is, I would know, because you do that shit all the time.  He practically jumped over me to grab the remote to pause the show and told me we were going to talk.

Fuck.  Did I really let those words past the filter?

So I turned to face him and explained myself.  I would also like to point out that he had been drinking and I had not.  I told him that over the last month or longer, he hasn’t been kissing me.  I told him that he came close a couple of times, but I could see the wheels spinning in his head and could tell he felt conflicted, so it was fine because I didn’t want to cross any of his boundaries.  He told me that he felt bad about it, and that he realized he had been doing it about two weeks ago and it made him uncomfortable that we had been having sex but not kissing.  He held me during this whole, very tough conversation.  He held my hand and caressed it.  We talked about things.  He was having a very difficult time expressing himself, and I think I may know what he was trying to say, but I’m not sure.  I don’t want to put words in his mouth.  He told me that this relationship was already so complicated and he didn’t want to make it any more so.  I felt love from him last night.  He was so tender, caring, and careful during this whole thing.  After we discussed things at length, he tilted my chin towards him and kissed me so sweetly while rubbing his thumb on my cheek.

Somehow that conversation also went to talking about H and C and I finally cried and got it out.  He continued to hold me and comfort me.  There was more play and watching the show the rest of the night, but there was a tender affection that had been missing for a long time.

I’m trying to keep telling myself that this is just temporary, but I can’t help but realize how amazing he really is.  I don’t want to let him go.  I think I may love him.  And I really shouldn’t.

 

A moment of clarity

Published July 22, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

I think I’ve finally had a moment of clarity through all of this darkness that has surrounded me the last several weeks.  A few things went into play here.

First, I was gone for four days with my work team for a training.  We road-tripped out of state together and bonded.  We also attended one of the best training I have ever attended.  It reminded me of my professional goals and what I feel like is my purpose.  I’m ready to start this school year in full swing.

I also isolated what was really bothering me.  By the last post, I’d figured it was the Fish, but now I know exactly why.  I didn’t feel like a person to him anymore.  For the last several months, he’s come over and had sex with me and left.  Sure, we talk between, but there was no real appreciation.  I need to see him outside of bed sometimes to remember that I am a person to him and not just a hole.  I need this to start being on my terms. I really don’t want a relationship with him, we are not compatible in that way.  However, if we are to continue our sexual relationship, he will need to start valuing my self worth.  And that starts by meeting me for drinks at my favorite place tonight and not coming home with me after.

Tell me everything is okay

Published July 14, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

The last week and a half has been a weepy time.

The last thing I wrote about was the July 4th party I attended on July 3rd.  I was surrounded by pretty, paired off people.  It took a huge toll on my self-esteem.

I cried for at least three hours straight on the morning of the 4th.  I cried for so many reasons, many of which I couldn’t articulate even if I tried.  I finally dragged myself out of bed and went to the gym with H and Glen.  My eyes were swollen, I was pissy and short, and I just didn’t want to talk.  Both asked me separately if I was okay.  I was honest and said no, but I also didn’t want to talk about it.  H pushed again through text once I was home and I was able to get a little of it out.  He’s honestly been amazing as always at keeping a perfect distance during this time.  I think it’s also because it’s a perfect distance for him as well.  Glen came home with me after the gym and we grilled some food and I consumed a good bit of alcohol.  I thought that would be the end of that.

It hasn’t been.  I’ve cried almost every day since then. I’ve been a bitch to many people around me, purposely pushing them away.  I want to be alone.  And at the very same time, I don’t want to be alone.

I was finally able to sort of put words to my issues in a text to AJ after I completely ignored him for a weekend.

It’s the unsettling loneliness coupled with feeling disposable to anyone I care about.  And feeling stagnant and stuck in a place I never wanted to be in the first place.  I’ve cried everyday for almost a week straight.  I make myself get up and leave the house and not stay in bed all day and it doesn’t help.  Nothing helps.  I’ve been a bitch to everyone around me.  I can’t see and end in sight.

I think one of the main issues at play may be the Fish.  I am not one of his priorities and he makes that very clear.  I don’t quite understand the way he thinks.  He obviously cares and values me outside of sex as he talks to me about personal things.  He is just completely detached from me at the same time.  I want more and I obviously am not going to get it.  He knows that something has been off and he has offered his help, but I think the only help he could possibly give me right now is to let me go. I’m not ready for that yet.  It’s going to hurt like hell.

I miss the relationship I used to have with the Unicorn.  I miss having someone to go do things with: hiking, the zoo, random adventures.  I miss having someone to talk to like that.

I have been still active on reddit, Okcupid, tinder, and bumble.  I’ve come to appreciate bumble a bit more.  I’ve met a guy there that I will hopefully meet up with soon.  We’ve been texting almost two weeks now.  He’s sweet.  I don’t want to get my hopes up right now though.

I put an ad on r4r on reddit last week.  I got a few responses and one stuck out.  We exchanged texts and even a nearly two hour phone call.  It was great, then he implied I was a slut(actually using the word slut).  I can’t stand for that.  That had me sour for a couple of days on its own.

So what am I doing to help all of these things?  I am communicating with multiple men as to not put all my eggs in one basket.  I registered for a test to get certified to teach another subject to beef up my resume.  I’ve been keeping as busy as possible.  I started a crochet blanket.  I’ve been preparing for the new school year.

I still feel empty.  I’m missing something.

Where I Stand

Published July 4, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

It has been a whirlwind for the last few weeks.  I’ve been meaning to write, but I’ve also been avoiding it.

Let’s update on The Fish, first.  We’ve settled into a bit of a routine.  He comes over, we snuggle, watch a movie, have a drink, have sex, half the time he spends the night, wash, rinse, repeat.  The feelings I have for him have grown over the last 3-4 months that we’ve been doing this.  We talk every single day.  I’ve tested it by not messaging first, and he still finds time to talk to me.

About two weeks ago, we forced out a feelings talk.  It started because I told him it was cute how affectionate he gets when he’s falling asleep.  That turned into him saying  he wished he could be more affectionate with me, but he didn’t want to lead me on.  I told him I was falling.  He said that he had romantic feelings for me, but it wasn’t love and he didn’t think it was enough to sustain a relationship.  I understood, because I don’t think it’s enough to sustain a relationship either, but I don’t want what we have to stop.  I’ve seen him three times since then.  The first was a little awkward, but we are back to being exactly as we were.

The second time was to keep me calm as I was flying out early the following morning for a work conference.  I’m terrible with flying and I was a nervous mess.  He definitely helped to take the edge off of things.

The trip itself was very stressful… I was with eight coworkers and the rest of them were in some way on the administrative team. I was the only peon there.  Every minute of every day was planned for us.  Oh, and my family met up with me there as well.  It was overwhelming and I am so happy to be home.

In the midst of this, I found myself back on Facebook. And tinder.  And we are trying out bumble.  There is nothing really of interest yet.  And I am not ready to give up the Fish, but I don’t think he will take to me seeing others too well.  He still hasn’t signed into OkC since April 15.

I went to a party today.  I didn’t know that many people there, but the people I did know were all happily paired off.  One of them is very happy in a new relationship.  It made me crave that.  I want to feel like that again.  Seeing them all and talking to them really makes me think that I’ve never really had a healthy relationship.

Another thing happened at this party. It was all pretty, healthy, fit people.  I felt so far on the outside.  I’ve still been in the gym several times a week, but I really need to get more serious about reaching my goals.  I’ve got one month left before school starts back up and I really want to be below a certain weight by then.  It’s doable, but it’s going to take dedication from here on out.

I’m up far past my bedtime tonight.  This is the first summer night that I’ve had too much on my mind to sleep.  This is so much better than last summer, but tonight also needs to be the last night this summer that keeps me awake.

 

Pillow Talk

Published June 5, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

This weekend has been nothing like I expected.  My dad did end up staying at my house Friday night, but he left early yesterday evening to go visit family in our hometown.  I decided to see what the Fish was up to.  I wasn’t feeling particularly horny, but I was lonely and could use the companionship.  I’d also spent the day with extended family with young children, so that voice that sometimes tells me I’m ready to start my own family was yelling in my ear and needed to be silenced somehow.  The Fish had plans with friends, but told me he could come over, around 11.  I asked him if we could watch a movie and snuggle which is a bit different from our normal routine.

About ten minutes before the Fish got to my house, my roommate showed up.  I wasn’t expecting him home, so I am glad he came home when he did and not twenty minutes later.  The Fish arrived and we decided it would be best to watch a movie in my bed instead of the living room since my roommate had gotten home.  We went in my room, and he began to make himself comfortable.  He’d brought over some bourbon and was pouring when I reached around him to grab the remote for the TV.  He stopped and grabbed my breast and started to massage it.  I smirked at him and told him we were going to be watching a movie and that was distracting.  He then spun me in a way so that I was sitting in his lap facing away from him and he had both arms wrapped around me, fondling my breasts.  I put my head back, nuzzled against his and let out a moan.  I was not going to let him win though, so I broke away and got into the bed.  Fully clothed.  He took off his pants and laid next to me.  We started the movie, and his hand quickly found its way back to my breast.  I tried as hard as I could to focus on the movie and I did a pretty good job for about fifteen minutes until he decided to move from my breasts to petting me from the top of my pants.  I suddenly needed to feel him so badly, but my willpower was strong and I ignored him the best I could.  I eventually put my hand down and found that he was hard and hanging out of his boxers.  I started to caress his hard cock and could feel the precum dripping from the tip.  This only proved to make me more excited.  I looked at him and told him that it wasn’t fair I was still wearing pants, so I slid mine off, but left my panties on.  His hand quickly found its way around my panties and he was running his fingers across my slit.  He quickly shoved a finger deep inside of me and I arched my back in great pleasure.  He remarked at how wet I was and I could feel the effect it had on his cock.  He quickly fingered me into a beautiful, intense orgasm using two fingers to fuck my hole, while massaging my clit with his thumb.  He was overcome with how wet I was and his urgency to be inside of my wetness was apparent.  I whispered that I needed him inside of me.  He just pushed my panties to the side and slid his dick in.  It was sexy and every nerve ending on my body was sensitive from my orgasm.  It wasn’t long before he was ready to cum.  He pulled out and shot his load across my stomach, tits, and neck.  That’s one of my favorite things.  I smiled up at him, pulled my shirt back down to cover myself and we went back to watching the movie.

After the movie, we started discussing random things.  There were a couple of things to note from out conversation.  He was picking on me for something and I told him I really didn’t care, I’m not easily offended.  He told me that he knew.  He thought I was really tough and that could sometimes be good and bad.  I asked him why he thought it was a bad thing.  He told me it also meant that you are emotionally disconnected.  That made me wonder if I came off as unavailable to him, even though I was suddenly starting to feel emotional towards him.

Next, was the nerdy talk.  We went through a talk that was a combination of science, religion, and philosophy.  You see, the last few times I’ve seen him, I’ve felt empty afterwords.  I felt like whatever we had going on was losing momentum and would come to its inevitable end sooner rather than later.  This talk, coupled with the amazing sex we’d just had made me want him.  It made me want to be a part of his life outside of my bedroom. He’s so smart and sees the world in such a similar way to myself.  We had this serious, albeit nerdy, talk for a while.  It ended in a moment.  You know when you lock eyes with someone and you feel like you can see a glimpse into their soul?  That was the kind of moment I felt like we’d had.  He then leaned over and kissed me.  I fell. I fell so hard.

That led to more sex, which was really good again.  After he came, he laid beside me and started to fall asleep while holding onto me. I reached over to turn out the lamp and fell asleep next to him.

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