anxiety

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The Never Ending Story

Published December 18, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

Thanksgiving break was depressing.  I had very little contact with The Fish which is what we agreed upon.  It sucked going from having a very level headed person who is an outsider to work and my circle of friends to talk to every day to silence.  His silence was partially to protect me, and partially to pull himself away from the situation and give himself a chance to move on.  I really didn’t understand why he needed a chance to move on when he wasn’t invested.

The week after Thanksgiving was a very trying week at work.  I was also having a hard time getting things straightened out between insurance, contractors, mortgage company, etc. and there felt like no end in sight.  On Saturday, I had a complete and total meltdown.  I called my parents(which I really don’t do), and cried about The Fish, work, the house, and just life in general.  I had hit rock bottom.  I wanted to see them for Christmas, but financially, it just isn’t going to happen.  I decided to focus that energy into something, and went out and bought an acoustic guitar.  I’ve always wanted to learn, so I thought this weird, quiet time in my life was a good time for it.  I started to make peace with the idea that contact with The Fish was going to be very limited if at all.

Sunday morning, I woke up to a text The Fish had sent in the middle of the night.  It simply said, “I’m having bad thoughts”.  After Ron, I really don’t play around with things said like that.  It took some prodding, but The Fish opened up to me about how alone he felt.  Essentially my melt down, just a day later.  We decided we can’t not be friends, so that officially broke the silence and we went back to speaking on a regular daily basis.

Last Friday, I went out with Glen to have some drinks downtown.  I knew The Fish was at a Christmas party, and we texted through the night while we were out.  I made a joke that he should come down and dance with me.  He told me he didn’t know how.  I suggested giving him private dance lessons in his living room.  And that, my friends, is how I ended back up in the presence of the Fish.  I went to his apartment after his party was over and I was done drinking with Glen.  He told me to put on some music and we actually did dance in his living room at three am.  We goofed around and laughed like we hadn’t done in a long time.  Things had become so serious and mundane before I broke things off.  I was constantly analyzing his every move before and not enjoying the moment.  This was different.  Dancing turned into a Backstreet Boys sing along.  And somehow Backstreet Boys led to sex.  Very passionate sex.  He kissed me a lot(remember he stopped kissing me months ago).  We had sex, then cuddle and fell asleep.  He woke me up the next morning with more sex.  I soaked it all in because I figured once he was sober and awake, he would realize he’d made a huge mistake and pull away.

Boy was I wrong. We talked through text all day Saturday.  He was flirty.  Saturday night, again I went out and he had a party.  We met back up at his place after.  He was far too drunk to have sex which really was a first.  We still had a good time, cuddles, and a sleepover.  I snuck out early the next morning because I had things to take care of, but he when he woke up, he sent me a text regretting I left because he wanted to make up for the no sex the night before.

On Monday, I was back at his place.  There was no sex, but I did rewrite his OkCupid profile for him.  It was very oddly cathartic.

Thursday was a rough day for me, and he invited me over that night to relax.  We just sat around and talked and watched football.  Blow job, but no sex.

Friday night, we tried to make things work, but I was tired and didn’t feel well so I went to sleep.

On Saturday(yesterday), I knew he had another party and I was worried about some of the times he has chosen to drive lately.  I told him if he needed a ride to let me know and I would gladly come get him.  Around 1am, he called and asked if I would come get him and also spend the night.  I was sound asleep, but I woke myself up and drove out to get him.  He was very appreciative of what I was doing.  On the way to his place, he held my hand while caressing it with his thumb.  Again, it was goofy and laid back when we got to his place.  We had really great sex(which is pretty normal for him).  We decided to go to bed, and cuddle some more before falling asleep.

We woke up this morning and he initiated sex again.  I know this is the last time I’ll see him for a couple of weeks while he is out of town for the holiday, so I enjoyed every second.  I brought him to his car and came home.

I know where he stands.  I know he doesn’t see himself with me long term.  He knows I love him.  There’s no more questioning in anything.  I know this may not be the smartest thing to continue like we are, but I am really not ready to be without him in any capacity.

A completely honest dating profile

Published November 20, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

As the Fish‘s chapter comes to a close, I am trying to jump back into OkCupid.  I completely deleted all of my dating accounts a few months ago, so I am starting from scratch.  H asked me what I am looking for this time, sex or a relationship.  This is the first time I have honestly been able to say that I am only looking for a relationship.  My standard answer is normally something about I’m open to whatever happens.  I’m not open anymore.  I’m ready for something real.  I don’t want to waste my time with short flings.

I opened an OKC account, but I haven’t written anything yet.  I don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind.  If I wrote it right now, it would look something like this:

  • You must love dogs.  Especially large, slightly out of control dogs.  I’m not a dog trainer and sometimes my dogs have bad manners.
  • I recently lost most of my belongings in the flood.  I don’t feel like my life will ever be back in order.
  • You must be smarter than I am.  If you aren’t at least equally as smart, I will likely manipulate you until I get bored with you and move on.
  • I’m overweight despite all of my attempts to remedy it.  I’m fighting an uphill battle between my thyroid and PCOS.  Breaking my neck seemed to have an effect as well.
  • Speaking of PCOS, I have to shave my face everyday because I can grow just as much facial hair as you.  My hair on top of my head is falling out.  I have dark patches of skin.  There’s a fair chance I wont be able to reproduce, especially not without help.
  • Most of my closest friends are men.
  • I teach and I spend a lot of time at work or doing work from home.
  • I don’t have much of a social life, but I’m content with a low key lifestyle
  • I watch sports with friends, but I’m not as into it as others
  • I have a lot of anxiety.  You will not be allowed to drive me anywhere for at least the first six months.
  • I’m also a control freak
  • I don’t care much for movies, so I likely wont get any of your references.
  • I’m divorced and he took his own life shortly after the legal stuff was done.
  • I come from a unique, broken home.
  • I’ve probably slept with more men than you’ll be comfortable with.
  • I fall hard and quickly.  I’ll love you more than you ever knew you could be loved.  I’ll always be there to take care of you, knowing you better than you know yourself.

 

All Mixed Up

Published May 29, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

I’m officially on summer vacation!  As always in my life, it couldn’t be that simple.  On the eve of the last day of school, we had a pretty rough storm come through.  I’ve never heard sounds from the weather like I heard that night. I took the dogs in the closet and stayed there until the sounds died down and the electricity went out.  I was eventually able to fall asleep, but I woke up to quite the mess.  The storm had blown my back door open, it had taken out lots of tree limbs and branches, and large parts of my fence.  Having two large dogs means that having a fenced in yard is a must.  I went to school that last day with my head in a spin.  I went home that night and with the help of the roommate, H, and the Unicorn, we cleared the debris.  Two days later, Glen and H came over to help rebuild the fence.

I avoided The Fish that weekend for the most part.  I was anxious and all of my focus was on repairing the fence.  I finally saw him on Sunday night and we had some…technical difficulties.  I wasn’t really into it.  I was thinking I wasn’t really into him.  I had a “What the hell am I doing here?” moment.  It passed a couple of days later and I told him I wanted to see him.  He told me he had friends visiting this weekend, so it would have to wait.  I decided to lay low on texting him this weekend because I didn’t want to take his time from his friends, but on Friday night, the following exchange happened:

F: Fuck me. I’m totally screwed

Me: why?

F: The only good girls on this trip either know me too well or are into the hotter guy.  Sorry, you don’t want to hear that I bet.  It’s just frustrating

Me: It’s okay. You can talk to me about it

F: Ewww

Me: Ewww?

F: It just ruins the confidence.  But yeah.  Haha.  That’s not your responsibility.

Me:  Be confident anyways.  You can get what you want if you try.

F: Meh I guess I don’t care enough

Me: You do or you wouldn’t have said something

F: Shush. I don’t need that

Me: I’m trying to help you!

F: Don’t believe you

Me: Why not? I’m always trying to be helpful

F: I think you’re selfish

Me: Why?

F: hahahahahaha Why do you think?

Me: Because I’m trying to help you find other women for your own pleasure and that makes me selfish?

F: I guess that was mean of me to say. I’m sorry.  Sometimes I need my ego helped.

That was essentially the end of the conversation because his battery died.  I felt like I was fucked no matter how I acted in that conversation.  He didn’t want me to tell him it was okay to be with other women, but I know that if I told him I was jealous, that would not have gone over well either.  I thought I chose the lesser of the two evils.

This morning we texted a bit and he told me he wanted me and he hasn’t been able to have a release because of the friend staying at his place.  He had been vague with the gender all week, but he said she this morning.  So then this happened:

Me: Is she sleeping in your bed?

F: No. But what if she needs something and comes in? And my cock is in my hand?? That’s not good.

Me:  I mean, that’s how most porns start.  But you almost made that twitch of jealousy appear when I thought she was sleeping in your bed.

F: I mean we did sleep in the same bed in New Orleans…

Me: You are not supposed to try to make me jealous, but it’s working.  I don’t like this feeling.

F: Oh. Sorry.  If it makes you feel any better I passed out immediately haha

Me:  Slightly.  I know I played it cool the other night, but the truth is you can obviously sleep with whoever you want, but I don’t want to hear about it, it does make me jealous.

F: I’m not a random sleep around guy.  I want the attention but can’t follow through with any act.  And I apologize for being a dick and bringing it up the other night.

Me:  It’s fine.  I felt like I was fucked in the situation.  My encouraging you to go after other women is not what you wanted to hear, but I felt like saying I was jealous was not nice either.

F: Moving on….

What the fuck? He left me scratching my head.  Our arrangement is not supposed to be complicated at all.  I don’t see him outside of my bedroom.  I need him to get his shit together.

There’s a couple of other things of interest.

First is the Unicorn.  He helped get the yard cleared after the storm.  He offered to help after seeing my pictures on snapchat.  It was really nice of him.  Last night I sent him a text to see if he wanted to hangout because my roommate was out of town and I was going a little stir crazy.  He came over and we talked for a good while.  He confided in me that he’s been having severe anxiety and he doesn’t know how to handle it.  I felt like I was able to offer him so helpful advice.  We then watched a movie sitting somewhat close on the sofa, but being careful as to never actually touch.  I don’t think we will ever hook up again, and I really don’t see him like I did before.  I still value his friendship though, and it was nice to have him here.

Lastly, a guy messaged me on OkC at the beginning of the week.  Let’s call him Coyote.  Coyote seemed slightly odd, but could carry on a pleasant text conversation.  He was decent looking.  We exchanged messages on OkC and he gave me his phone number.  We texted back and fourth through the week.  On Thursday night, he asked if he could call me.  I told him yes, but not at that moment because I was at H’s house.  He fell asleep before I got home.  On Friday, we texted a bit through the day, but not as much as usual.  On Friday night, he again asked if he could call.  He called and it was weird.  He was either really drunk/and or really high and maybe mixed with some kind of nervousness.  He was reminding me of Bryan.  I was uncomfortable and we didn’t talk for long.  At about 7:30 Saturday morning, he again asked if he could call.  Who the hell wants to call that early.  I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt about the night before and let him call.  The first 15 ish minutes were okay-ish, but then he seemed to get high again.  It was very unpleasant.  He mentioned either me going to his place or him coming to mine.  It was kind of creepy.  I finally made up the excuse that I was going to  the gym, we hung up and I went back to sleep.  I woke up about two hours later to three texts and four missed calls from him.  One of them just said oops.  So I responded “oops?”  And he replied with oops let’s have sex oops.  Nope.  He continued to try to text me. I was mostly ignoring him.  At one point he told me “Call me now”. No.  I finally ignored him and got 😦 a couple of hours later.  I was legitimately scared that he was some kind of creepy stalker type and that he may just show up at my house.  That was part of the reason that I invited Unicorn to come over.  Luckily he seems to have disappeared.

Hopefully this week is far less eventful, but it probably won’t be.  My dad is coming to visit.  I haven’t seen him in a year and a half and he hasn’t been in my house in two years.  I’ve been stressed out in preparation for the visit.  I need to lost 100 pounds, get married, and have some kids by Friday. No big deal.

 

Zeus 2.5

Published February 21, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

Yup. Didn’t see this one coming either.

I’ve had an absolute shit week.  It started bright an early Monday morning with a dog throwing up a lot of blood.  That turned into me taking time off of work and nice bill at the vet.  Work was kind of meh, and I was still feeling down.

Zeus tried to get me to go out with him Friday night and when I told him that I was too tired to leave the house, he told me he could just come over.  Luckily, I was sleeping when he responded, so I didn’t feel the need to answer that.

I need to backtrack a bit, because I think I left out some important info in my last post.  My biggest gripe and turnoff with him is that all he does is complain.  The only thing he complains about is how heart broken he is.  He’s left his wife for this woman named B.  B seems to no longer be interested after years of having an affair and him finally leaving his wife.  That’s all he wants to talk about.  I’ve got enough problems buddy, I don’t need yours.  On Friday night when he was texting me, he told me he had run into B and it was awkward and they basically aren’t speaking.

On Saturday, I decided to pamper myself a bit. I went to the nail salon for a manicure.  I made a split second decision when I was leaving to go to my favorite bar.  I haven’t been in about a month, and I just needed some me time.  I walked in to a nearly empty bar.  I spoke to the bartender for a few minutes and caught up with him.   I looked up to realize that the only other people in the bar were Zeus and B. What. The. Fuck.  I decided to just ignore them and continue to talk to the bartender.  I was confused about how they are all of a sudden friendly again, but I really don’t care.  Zeus came up to order another drink and gave me a hug.  He told me he would come talk to me when B left.  I know she knew about our date and she knows I know about her.  It felt awkward and icky.

I continued my chat with the bartender(who I would totally go home with in a heartbeat) and out of the corner of my eye, I see B walking towards me.  At this point, I am waiting for a drink thrown in my face or something, because that seems to be the way things work around me.  No.  What she did was much worse.  She came and sat two seats over from me and told me that they were going to keep me company.  Zeus then joined between us.  I was quite literally speechless.  I wanted to slide down into a hole.  I felt like I was suffocating.  There was literally no one else in the bar but the three of us and the staff.  The hot bartender went to take a smoke break and I slipped outside with him.  He looked a little surprised but slid over on the bench so I could sit with him.  I just sat and said, “So that’s fucking awkward.” He asked if I meant the Zeus/B on again off again drama.  I told him yes, that’s all I hear about from Zeus.  I then told him about our date and how that’s all Zeus talked about the whole time.  I told him that I am really not interested in Zeus, but I don’t know how to say that.  He laughed and said, yeah, Zeus doesn’t take rejection well.  We had a good laugh about it and then went back inside.  He kept me occupied for a little while longer until I left. Alone. Peacefully.

Zeus sent me a text a little while later asking if I’d made it home okay and again trying to get me to spend time with him. The problem is I would, if we could talk about anything but his love life.  Another thing on my list of things I don’t have time for.

Best Friends. Forever?

Published November 14, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

It’s weird how some memories are so vivid and seem to stick around forever.  Let’s take this back a few years.  Okay, more than a few.  Imagine a very young Daisy.  I was in band class in 7th grade.  I played clarinet, so I was sitting in the row behind my best friend who played the flute.  Someone asked her who her best friend was.  And she responded with the name of someone else in our group of friends.  The same person asked her if she had more than one best friend.  She responded that it wasn’t possible to have more than one best friend.  I was absolutely heartbroken.  I went home crying that day because the person I considered my best friend didn’t consider me hers.  I cried to my stepmom who told me that it was only temporary, one day I would find my soulmate and he would be my best friend and no one else would matter.  I took that to heart.  That day will always live on forever in my mind.

bff0060295c1ce10204730590597f0ac

Now, I really have to disagree with my stepmom on what she said that day.  I was so happy when I found Ron because I thought I had found my best friend for the rest of my life.  I pretty much quit trying to maintain friendships with very many other people.  Obviously that made for a rough time when we divorced.  But why did this conversation pop into my mind?

I had a rough day yesterday.  My anxiety was a little out of control.  My friend H unintentionally hurt my feelings.  It was a very petty thing, but it hurt.  And with my anxiety at the level it was, it sent me straight over the edge.  I wound up a crying mess in his office after school.  I felt absolutely stupid.  I was basically jealous of someone else he was inviting to hang out with us as a group.  He told me that I shouldn’t worry, I was still his BFF.  And it sent me back to that conversation from 7th grade.  He wasn’t trying to replace me, and he does consider me high up on his list of friends.  He’s a pretty amazing friend.  He actually FaceTimed me once I got home to make sure I had stopped crying.  And then I went out with Glen last night who I have been friends with for a very long time.  I am a very lucky girl to be surrounded by so many amazing people.


This does also tie into another thing that happened this week.  It’s time to revisit the AJ situation.  We were supposed to meet Wednesday for board gaming.  Contact was fairly sparse, then on Tuesday we had the following exchange:

Capture

We decided to still get together and game, but we moved it to today instead because weekdays suck for both of us.  We met for lunch and then he came over and we played this really awesome game called Forbidden Desert.  Fun was had by all and the conversation never stops flowing.  So I definitely have another friend in my corner.  H thought it was a bad idea to stay friends, he thought I should cut ties and move on.  I’m pretty glad I didn’t listen.  He thought I would eventually develop unrequited feelings, but I don’t see that happening. I haven’t felt anything yet, and I have never grown to have feelings for someone. So I think I’m safe.

Breaking up with myself

Published July 13, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

My writing hiatus is pretty similar to the hiatus I have recently taken from life.  Since Ron’s death, I have been a bit of a wreck.  Couple his passing with my summer break(I’m a teacher) and you have a recipe for disaster.  The D word snuck it’s way in and took me by surprise.  I didn’t realize until it was almost too late.  Things came to a head yesterday.  But let’s back track and see how we got to this point, shall we?

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Of Wreaths and Unicorns

Published December 21, 2014 by daisiesloveandpeace

This week was a bit of a hell hole for me.  Teaching middle school has it’s ups and downs and the week before Christmas Break is an up and a down.  The whole week consisted of giving mid-terms and scraping children from the ceiling. Wash, rinse, repeat.  To top this all off, I am leaving Monday to see my parents.  They live quite literally across the country.  I’ve avoiding going there for several years now, and this time they pretty much left me without a choice.  They paid for the tickets and to board the dogs for a week. Have I mentioned I am also a nervous wreck when it comes to flying?  I mean, I am just an anxious person in general.  So for the whole last week, everyone has been witness to the most uptight, tightly wound Daisy there is.  This didn’t scare Unicorn away.

So we last left off in this story with him spending the night at my house last Saturday and waking me with amazing oral.  On Monday, I decided I was going to head to the craft store after school to make him a wreath as he had complimented my wreath.  He had also just decorated for Christmas and I knew he didn’t have one.  And to be quite honest, doing things like that are quite soothing to me.  As I was leaving work Monday, the girl that teaches across the hall from me stopped and asked why I was leaving in such a hurry.  I told her the truth about the wreath.  She then went on a tirade. This is clearly more than friends with benefits if I am doing things like that(I like to do nice things for my friends).  I’m going to be disappointed if he doesn’t get me something for Christmas in return(why would I expect anything from someone I’ve known for three weeks, and besides I’m a giver not a receiver).  I’m investing too much time and energy into this.  And finally the kicker, the thing that made me walk out the door: I have no idea how to be alone. I was just down right angry after that. I’m quite happy alone. In fact, I would say quite the opposite is true. I don’t know how to be with someone….but I digress.

So I go home and make him a wreath. Then I invited him over for dinner. I cook every night for my roommate and myself, so I definitely wasn’t going out of my way there.  Unicorn came over and had dinner.  He loved my cooking and my wreath. I was a happy girl.  We eventually snuck off to my bedroom for a little bit.  It was lovely, as always.  He then went home and sent me the following message:

wreath

We texted a bit back and forth through the week and on Thursday, he invited me over.  When I walked in he immediately kissed me.  He asked me about my day and then asked if I wanted to cuddle up in bed.  We did, and again we had really great sex.  We laid there talking for a little while and I looked over at the clock and asked if it was time for me to leave because we both get up at the ass crack of dawn.  He held me hand and told me not yet, he really enjoyed talking to me too much.  So I stayed a while longer, cuddled up and talking.  My favorite part of the night by far was when I started telling him about something I was excited about teaching the week after Christmas break.  He got excited about it, got up, ran into the other room and grabbed paper and pencil, returned to bed and handed it to me and asked me to show him.  He sat behind me straddling me, his arms wrapped around me as I taught him the box method for factoring in Algebra 1.  In that moment, I was his.

I asked him if that would be the last I would see of him because he was going to be out of town all weekend and my flight out is Monday.  He told me he was going to try to see me Sunday when he got back to town.  So that’s today. Let’s see what happens.