All posts tagged breakups

Crying in the Car

Published November 18, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

After last weekend, I did some thinking. The Fish went to a party instead of coming to see me when I was sick.  It was time to see where we were and where we are going.  It’s been eight months, we were long overdue for the conversation.

I couldn’t handle doing it face to face, so I sent him a long text Monday afternoon.

I know you’re busy tonight, but you’re always busy and there will never be a good time.  I know that you probably have no idea, but next week will make 8 months since our first date.  I have never let any man go this long without committing to me or me shutting him out.  You’re special. You check off all of the things on the list.  I thought waiting would make you come around to wanting a relationship with me. This has become too much for me to handle. Do you ever think you could see yourself with me? Or do you just see us going on exactly like this forever until Mrs. Right suddenly appears? I can’t be your place holder for the next girl anymore. It’s starting to hurt entirely too much. I love you more than you know, but I can’t even continue to be friends with you if you don’t ever plan on loving me.

His response was that he wanted to see me.  I was at H and C’s house, so he met me there and talked to me outside.  We both shed some tears.  He says he’s felt love before and this isn’t what it felt like.  We want to be friends, but I need time to heal before we can really have that friendship.  So for now it’s going to be silent.  I haven’t really cried.  I shed a few tears with him that night, but other than that, I’ve been okay.

This week has been long.  There were lots of things going on at work, and it’s the week before Thanksgiving break.  I was nominated for an award that required a vote from the whole staff.  I was very excited about it, and thought I was going to win.  I found out this morning that I made second place.  It was an honor to get that far, but it sucked that I didn’t win.  I almost melted down at work with everything going on, but I cried some silent tears and went on with my day.

It all came out in the car on the way home.  I always seem to have this happen in the car.  I’m going into a week long vacation from work in a crappy apartment that is falling apart, no family to see, no Fish, and my best friends absent part of the week.  I feel so terribly alone.  So lost.  So insignificant.


27 Candles

Published September 8, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

I’ve been meaning to get back to this blog and now I have a reason.

Gigs and I broke it off yesterday.  I could no longer handle the fact that he never communicated any feelings with me.  He was always so passive and submissive. I could ask or tell him to do anything, and he would do it without question.  I don’t like having that kind of power. I believe relationships should be balanced.

I’m also still grieving.  And I think that weighed very heavily into this decision for me. I need time to grieve. I need space to grieve. I need to be in my own safe space without fear of judgement for how I am grieving. I need to not be constantly worrying that there is a chance of my grieving hurting someone else. I don’t think it hurt Gigs, but because he never shared, I never knew.

Even if our paths never cross again, I will always be grateful for him being in my life during the last several months.  He held my hand during the most difficult time in my life.  I will always keep him in a special place in my heart.

The end of this month marks my golden birthday.  I’ve been looking forward to this birthday for as long as I can remember.  I turn 27 on the 27th.  It’s starting to look like I will be spending it alone this year. My roommate and best friend are both out of town that weekend.  I’ve been mostly hanging out with Gigs friends lately. I need to find some kind of trouble to get into that weekend. I’ve been looking forward to this for far too long.  It’s hard to explain why birthdays are so important to me, but they are.  I’m not religious or close to my family so all of the other holidays are mostly just stressful.  Birthdays are always supposed to be happy.  I guess I will have to make it so.


Published March 29, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

I just wrote this to send to the Unicorn so he could hear the whole story. I thought I should share here as well. Please disregard any errors as I just quickly looked through to change names and make it make more sense for my blog.  It felt good to write again as it’s been a while.

Once upon a time, in the 7th grade, there was a boy named James.  James was tall and really cute and all the girls had a crush on him.

Including me. I was the band nerd that hung out with the cheerleaders.  He was in band too, so at least I had that going for me.  At first James picked on me. I was curvier than the girls we hung around and I had zero sense of fashion(I was being raised by a single father).  At some points, it would be fair to say that he was mean to me.  But we grew up. And grew together. I stood by him through every shitty girlfriend. We became quite close. We would spend hours on the phone. We spent hours hanging out. I kept falling.  Around this time, I switched schools.  It was then that I met this girl, Amelia.

Amelia was the girl friend I never had. We were both were used to being one of the boys, it was nice to be ourselves with another girl.  We quickly became inseparable.

I still spent time with James as well.  And then one day it happened. He kissed me.  It was all I could think about. We continued to hangout and there were now the little extra added perks.

I told Amelia all about it.  She was rooting for us.

This continued through high school. Then, right before senior year started, I introduced them.  Big mistake. Huge mistake.

They also quickly became inseparable. And I started to disappear from both equations.

We started senior year with the two of them in a relationship and me being the third wheel. There were quickly many problems. Her family strongly disapproved of their relationship as they had heard that James got around.  They told her she wasn’t allowed to see him. So she did it in secret. This meant I still saw a lot of him while she was in lockdown at her house.  It was very tough on me. I loved them both, but I never wanted them together.  I was supposed to be with James.

One night, James and I were watching a movie at my house and my parents were asleep.  I sat at the end and he sat in the middle.  Then he started to slide over towards me. By the end of the movie, we were under the same blanket.  He ended up fingering me and then teaching me how to give a hand job.

So now, I am dealing with their secret relationship and the heavy heart of him cheating on her with me.  I was so emotionally torn.   I ended up telling one of my other friends, Michael what happened. I just needed to get it out. The problem was that Michael was in love with Amelia and would do anything to break her and James up. So he told her that there was something I needed to tell her. He cornered me into telling her myself.  So of course she did what any teenage girl would do, she forgave James and dropped me.  And of course this meant that he disappeared as well.

I was all alone. Both of my best friends were gone and our other friends knew what I had done.  I got pretty depressed over it.

Eventually, Amelia talked to me again, but it took some time to try to build the trust.

We graduated high school and James and Amelia both went to the same university while I went to one about an hour away. We would all hang out here and there, but it was never just me and one of them.  It was always me and the both of them. It sucked.

When I decided to make the move to the current town I live in, I moved in with Amelia. James had a separate apartment, but they were always together so it didn’t matter.  She and I were really close again. Sharing all of our secrets.  This was in the middle of me dating Ron and spending most of my time with him.

During this time, Amelia started having an affair with a married guy.  It lasted about a year, both physically and emotionally.  I knew everything about it. I tried to tell her it was a bad idea. I thought about telling James several times, because I still loved him, but I couldn’t. My loyalty lied with Amelia. And even if it hadn’t, would he have believed me? Or would it just be seen as me trying to break them up for my own selfish purposes?

Eventually, I moved in with Ron as we were moving quickly towards engagement and marriage.  She didn’t take our engagement very well.  She was very jealous.  I asked her to be my maid of honor anyway. She had been my best friend for so long.  She was a terrible maid of honor. The duty of the maid of honor is to be there for every dress fitting, plan the bachelorette party, plan the bridal shower, etc.  She did none of that. I took it all in stride, though. I still loved her and understood why she was jealous.  We were growing further and further apart.

Two months after I got married, James finally proposed to Amelia.  I was so happy for them. I really was. But I knew that they weren’t faithful to each other and so I questioned myself a bit when she asked me to be her maid of honor.  I decided to do it anyways. I wanted to be the bigger person and the better bridesmaid.  They planned a long engagement, so I had a lot of time to plan things out.

In September of 2013, Ron and I split for the first time. He moved out for a weekend.  I knew it was the beginning of the end, even when he came back to me and begged me to try to make things work.  I was secretly preparing our finances for the eventual split. I never spoke that to anyone, though. The week after the split, I got a text message from Amelia.  She said that her and the priest had spoken(yeah, they were having a Catholic wedding ) and they had decided that since I was having marital issues, it would be best if I wasn’t involved in her wedding.

I was floored. Over the last couple of years, our relationship had become very one sided. She would call me when she was bored or needed something, but the favors were never returned.  That was the last straw. I didn’t even respond to her text. I just blocked her number and every other mode of contact. I still haven’t spoken to her.  Some days I really want to. Some days I really miss her.

We had such a special connection. I could just look at her(or her at me) and we really knew what the other was thinking.  One of our special things was Grey’s Anatomy.  There is an episode where the main character, Meredith, knows she is going to have a bad day, so she doesn’t want to get out of bed.  Her friends eventually get her out of bed and to work. She ends up holding undetonated ammunition that is still in a body cavity that day.  She almost dies.  So Amelia and I had a thing where if we were having a really bad day or woke up with “that feeling” we would call/text each other that we were having a body cavity day. It was our secret code.  We shared so many things like that.

Part of me is trying to turn the Unicorn into my Amelia. I need that person in my life. The keeper of secrets, my unspoken understander.  Part of me wants to reach out to her again, but I just don’t know if it’s worth it.