bumble

All posts tagged bumble

Winter is Coming

Published November 13, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

The weather here is finally starting to get ever so slightly cooler.  This time of year always seems to make you want to be paired off.  I think it’s some combination of the cooler weather and the holidays.  The need to be in a loving, committed relationship has been strong over the last week.  I’ve been feeling pretty under the weather and overwhelmed between work and hopefully finally starting the rebuilding process on my house.

I’ve been needy.  Very needy.  And I don’t feel like my needs are being met.

The Fish has been flip flopping as much as ever.  He goes from being very caring, and attentive to absent and cold hearted.

Both the Beast and Sam have been very active through snapchat.  They make me feel wanted in ways The Fish has fallen short on lately.

I’m ready to have someone to come home to, someone to take care of, and someone to take care of me.  I’m ready to start a family.

I was supposed to see The Fish last night but I was feeling too under the weather to travel to him and he refused to travel to me.  It hurt.  A lot.

Today, I downloaded bumble again.  I swiped left 10 times and thought that none of these guys would live up to The Fish, then deleted my account and the app.

We’ve been so stagnant and I’ve been accepting of it and patient, but I’m starting to feel restless.  It’s been eight months.  I want to know how this story ends.  But I still hope that it never does.

Advertisements

Tell me everything is okay

Published July 14, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

The last week and a half has been a weepy time.

The last thing I wrote about was the July 4th party I attended on July 3rd.  I was surrounded by pretty, paired off people.  It took a huge toll on my self-esteem.

I cried for at least three hours straight on the morning of the 4th.  I cried for so many reasons, many of which I couldn’t articulate even if I tried.  I finally dragged myself out of bed and went to the gym with H and Glen.  My eyes were swollen, I was pissy and short, and I just didn’t want to talk.  Both asked me separately if I was okay.  I was honest and said no, but I also didn’t want to talk about it.  H pushed again through text once I was home and I was able to get a little of it out.  He’s honestly been amazing as always at keeping a perfect distance during this time.  I think it’s also because it’s a perfect distance for him as well.  Glen came home with me after the gym and we grilled some food and I consumed a good bit of alcohol.  I thought that would be the end of that.

It hasn’t been.  I’ve cried almost every day since then. I’ve been a bitch to many people around me, purposely pushing them away.  I want to be alone.  And at the very same time, I don’t want to be alone.

I was finally able to sort of put words to my issues in a text to AJ after I completely ignored him for a weekend.

It’s the unsettling loneliness coupled with feeling disposable to anyone I care about.  And feeling stagnant and stuck in a place I never wanted to be in the first place.  I’ve cried everyday for almost a week straight.  I make myself get up and leave the house and not stay in bed all day and it doesn’t help.  Nothing helps.  I’ve been a bitch to everyone around me.  I can’t see and end in sight.

I think one of the main issues at play may be the Fish.  I am not one of his priorities and he makes that very clear.  I don’t quite understand the way he thinks.  He obviously cares and values me outside of sex as he talks to me about personal things.  He is just completely detached from me at the same time.  I want more and I obviously am not going to get it.  He knows that something has been off and he has offered his help, but I think the only help he could possibly give me right now is to let me go. I’m not ready for that yet.  It’s going to hurt like hell.

I miss the relationship I used to have with the Unicorn.  I miss having someone to go do things with: hiking, the zoo, random adventures.  I miss having someone to talk to like that.

I have been still active on reddit, Okcupid, tinder, and bumble.  I’ve come to appreciate bumble a bit more.  I’ve met a guy there that I will hopefully meet up with soon.  We’ve been texting almost two weeks now.  He’s sweet.  I don’t want to get my hopes up right now though.

I put an ad on r4r on reddit last week.  I got a few responses and one stuck out.  We exchanged texts and even a nearly two hour phone call.  It was great, then he implied I was a slut(actually using the word slut).  I can’t stand for that.  That had me sour for a couple of days on its own.

So what am I doing to help all of these things?  I am communicating with multiple men as to not put all my eggs in one basket.  I registered for a test to get certified to teach another subject to beef up my resume.  I’ve been keeping as busy as possible.  I started a crochet blanket.  I’ve been preparing for the new school year.

I still feel empty.  I’m missing something.

Where I Stand

Published July 4, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

It has been a whirlwind for the last few weeks.  I’ve been meaning to write, but I’ve also been avoiding it.

Let’s update on The Fish, first.  We’ve settled into a bit of a routine.  He comes over, we snuggle, watch a movie, have a drink, have sex, half the time he spends the night, wash, rinse, repeat.  The feelings I have for him have grown over the last 3-4 months that we’ve been doing this.  We talk every single day.  I’ve tested it by not messaging first, and he still finds time to talk to me.

About two weeks ago, we forced out a feelings talk.  It started because I told him it was cute how affectionate he gets when he’s falling asleep.  That turned into him saying  he wished he could be more affectionate with me, but he didn’t want to lead me on.  I told him I was falling.  He said that he had romantic feelings for me, but it wasn’t love and he didn’t think it was enough to sustain a relationship.  I understood, because I don’t think it’s enough to sustain a relationship either, but I don’t want what we have to stop.  I’ve seen him three times since then.  The first was a little awkward, but we are back to being exactly as we were.

The second time was to keep me calm as I was flying out early the following morning for a work conference.  I’m terrible with flying and I was a nervous mess.  He definitely helped to take the edge off of things.

The trip itself was very stressful… I was with eight coworkers and the rest of them were in some way on the administrative team. I was the only peon there.  Every minute of every day was planned for us.  Oh, and my family met up with me there as well.  It was overwhelming and I am so happy to be home.

In the midst of this, I found myself back on Facebook. And tinder.  And we are trying out bumble.  There is nothing really of interest yet.  And I am not ready to give up the Fish, but I don’t think he will take to me seeing others too well.  He still hasn’t signed into OkC since April 15.

I went to a party today.  I didn’t know that many people there, but the people I did know were all happily paired off.  One of them is very happy in a new relationship.  It made me crave that.  I want to feel like that again.  Seeing them all and talking to them really makes me think that I’ve never really had a healthy relationship.

Another thing happened at this party. It was all pretty, healthy, fit people.  I felt so far on the outside.  I’ve still been in the gym several times a week, but I really need to get more serious about reaching my goals.  I’ve got one month left before school starts back up and I really want to be below a certain weight by then.  It’s doable, but it’s going to take dedication from here on out.

I’m up far past my bedtime tonight.  This is the first summer night that I’ve had too much on my mind to sleep.  This is so much better than last summer, but tonight also needs to be the last night this summer that keeps me awake.