dating after divorce

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Fake it ’till you make it

Published April 22, 2017 by daisiesloveandpeace

I’ve meant to write so many times between December and now.  As of my last post, the silence between The Fish and I had ended and I had spent almost the entire weekend with him.  I’ve spent nearly every weekend with him since then.  There have been many really good weekends.  Alas, I’m cycling back to feeling like I can’t do this.  I feel like I’ve been trying to “fake it ’till we make it” and there is never going to be a making it here.  I’m just not ready to say goodbye.  I don’t understand why he has such a strong grip on me.  Maybe it’s because he really is such a good person, and he does care in some capacity.  Just not the same way that I care about him.  He’s been by my side through a lot of shit for the last year: losing my house, rebuilding my house, the death of a family member, friend drama, family drama, etc.  He’s been by my side the entire time.  I just don’t understand why he doesn’t appreciate what he has with me more.  I think I’m pretty awesome.  For some reason my drive to settle down and start having children has really kicked in as of recently and think that has a lot to do with my feeling like I need to pin him down or let him go.

Which brings me to my next thing.  I’m finally moved back home!!  It took about 8 months since my house received 19 inches of water to clean it out and rebuild, but I’m home!  The Fish played a huge part in getting the apartment all packed up and moving me home.  It was a long miserable time in a cramped little apartment, but now that I’m home, the house feels so big.  Too big.  I joked with the Fish about him moving in as my roommate because I can’t handle the quiet.  I had a roommate prior to the flood, but I don’t know that I’m ready to go that route again.  There’s something so liberating about being able to walk around in your underwear(or less) when you feel like it.  I think this is part of what is making me want children so badly right now.  I’m ready to fill my home.

Before I can even think about children, I’ve got to get my health and weight in check.  I found a doctor I like and I’m working him to get my thyroid levels somewhat normal.  I’ve also started really, truly caring about what I am putting into my body.  I’ve struggled with stress eating and binging, but I’ve made it about 40 days focusing on healthy eating and I’m down about 22 pounds.  It’s definitely a one day at a time thing as I have about 170ish pounds left to go.  I’ve got to stay focused this time.  Fish has played a large part in keeping me on track as well.  He’s focused on his health, so it’s something we are doing together.

That circles me back to the Fish.  He’s clearly very intertwined in my day to day life.  I feel like I need to start slowly backing away.

Last and certainly not least, the anniversary of Ron’s suicide is very soon.  Moving back into the house that we bought together has really brought up a lot of memories.  He’s been on my mind a lot lately, so it doesn’t help that that date is coming up.  I still miss him.  I’ve had quite a few moments lately where I laughed about something to myself and wanted to call or text him to share because he would be the only one to understand, but then reality hits me like a ton of bricks.

One more good thing before I close this out:  I’ve been accepted into grad school.  I start in the fall and that may be what I need to really get myself out of the rut I feel.

I’m trying really damn hard to make myself be happy right now.  Going to fake it ’till I make it.


The Never Ending Story

Published December 18, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

Thanksgiving break was depressing.  I had very little contact with The Fish which is what we agreed upon.  It sucked going from having a very level headed person who is an outsider to work and my circle of friends to talk to every day to silence.  His silence was partially to protect me, and partially to pull himself away from the situation and give himself a chance to move on.  I really didn’t understand why he needed a chance to move on when he wasn’t invested.

The week after Thanksgiving was a very trying week at work.  I was also having a hard time getting things straightened out between insurance, contractors, mortgage company, etc. and there felt like no end in sight.  On Saturday, I had a complete and total meltdown.  I called my parents(which I really don’t do), and cried about The Fish, work, the house, and just life in general.  I had hit rock bottom.  I wanted to see them for Christmas, but financially, it just isn’t going to happen.  I decided to focus that energy into something, and went out and bought an acoustic guitar.  I’ve always wanted to learn, so I thought this weird, quiet time in my life was a good time for it.  I started to make peace with the idea that contact with The Fish was going to be very limited if at all.

Sunday morning, I woke up to a text The Fish had sent in the middle of the night.  It simply said, “I’m having bad thoughts”.  After Ron, I really don’t play around with things said like that.  It took some prodding, but The Fish opened up to me about how alone he felt.  Essentially my melt down, just a day later.  We decided we can’t not be friends, so that officially broke the silence and we went back to speaking on a regular daily basis.

Last Friday, I went out with Glen to have some drinks downtown.  I knew The Fish was at a Christmas party, and we texted through the night while we were out.  I made a joke that he should come down and dance with me.  He told me he didn’t know how.  I suggested giving him private dance lessons in his living room.  And that, my friends, is how I ended back up in the presence of the Fish.  I went to his apartment after his party was over and I was done drinking with Glen.  He told me to put on some music and we actually did dance in his living room at three am.  We goofed around and laughed like we hadn’t done in a long time.  Things had become so serious and mundane before I broke things off.  I was constantly analyzing his every move before and not enjoying the moment.  This was different.  Dancing turned into a Backstreet Boys sing along.  And somehow Backstreet Boys led to sex.  Very passionate sex.  He kissed me a lot(remember he stopped kissing me months ago).  We had sex, then cuddle and fell asleep.  He woke me up the next morning with more sex.  I soaked it all in because I figured once he was sober and awake, he would realize he’d made a huge mistake and pull away.

Boy was I wrong. We talked through text all day Saturday.  He was flirty.  Saturday night, again I went out and he had a party.  We met back up at his place after.  He was far too drunk to have sex which really was a first.  We still had a good time, cuddles, and a sleepover.  I snuck out early the next morning because I had things to take care of, but he when he woke up, he sent me a text regretting I left because he wanted to make up for the no sex the night before.

On Monday, I was back at his place.  There was no sex, but I did rewrite his OkCupid profile for him.  It was very oddly cathartic.

Thursday was a rough day for me, and he invited me over that night to relax.  We just sat around and talked and watched football.  Blow job, but no sex.

Friday night, we tried to make things work, but I was tired and didn’t feel well so I went to sleep.

On Saturday(yesterday), I knew he had another party and I was worried about some of the times he has chosen to drive lately.  I told him if he needed a ride to let me know and I would gladly come get him.  Around 1am, he called and asked if I would come get him and also spend the night.  I was sound asleep, but I woke myself up and drove out to get him.  He was very appreciative of what I was doing.  On the way to his place, he held my hand while caressing it with his thumb.  Again, it was goofy and laid back when we got to his place.  We had really great sex(which is pretty normal for him).  We decided to go to bed, and cuddle some more before falling asleep.

We woke up this morning and he initiated sex again.  I know this is the last time I’ll see him for a couple of weeks while he is out of town for the holiday, so I enjoyed every second.  I brought him to his car and came home.

I know where he stands.  I know he doesn’t see himself with me long term.  He knows I love him.  There’s no more questioning in anything.  I know this may not be the smartest thing to continue like we are, but I am really not ready to be without him in any capacity.

A completely honest dating profile

Published November 20, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

As the Fish‘s chapter comes to a close, I am trying to jump back into OkCupid.  I completely deleted all of my dating accounts a few months ago, so I am starting from scratch.  H asked me what I am looking for this time, sex or a relationship.  This is the first time I have honestly been able to say that I am only looking for a relationship.  My standard answer is normally something about I’m open to whatever happens.  I’m not open anymore.  I’m ready for something real.  I don’t want to waste my time with short flings.

I opened an OKC account, but I haven’t written anything yet.  I don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind.  If I wrote it right now, it would look something like this:

  • You must love dogs.  Especially large, slightly out of control dogs.  I’m not a dog trainer and sometimes my dogs have bad manners.
  • I recently lost most of my belongings in the flood.  I don’t feel like my life will ever be back in order.
  • You must be smarter than I am.  If you aren’t at least equally as smart, I will likely manipulate you until I get bored with you and move on.
  • I’m overweight despite all of my attempts to remedy it.  I’m fighting an uphill battle between my thyroid and PCOS.  Breaking my neck seemed to have an effect as well.
  • Speaking of PCOS, I have to shave my face everyday because I can grow just as much facial hair as you.  My hair on top of my head is falling out.  I have dark patches of skin.  There’s a fair chance I wont be able to reproduce, especially not without help.
  • Most of my closest friends are men.
  • I teach and I spend a lot of time at work or doing work from home.
  • I don’t have much of a social life, but I’m content with a low key lifestyle
  • I watch sports with friends, but I’m not as into it as others
  • I have a lot of anxiety.  You will not be allowed to drive me anywhere for at least the first six months.
  • I’m also a control freak
  • I don’t care much for movies, so I likely wont get any of your references.
  • I’m divorced and he took his own life shortly after the legal stuff was done.
  • I come from a unique, broken home.
  • I’ve probably slept with more men than you’ll be comfortable with.
  • I fall hard and quickly.  I’ll love you more than you ever knew you could be loved.  I’ll always be there to take care of you, knowing you better than you know yourself.


Here comes the rain again

Published August 24, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

On Tuesday night, I returned “home”. I made temporary plans to stay with a coworker, and asked several people to meet me at my house Wednesday morning.  During the Great Flood, I took 19 inches of water in my house.  Every piece of furniture needed to be removed, all flooring, a few feet of sheetrock, and the insulation behind it.  Then, after the bare 2X4’s dry out, you have to spray to prevent mildew.  It’s a tedious process to say the least.

On Wednesday, we got the furniture and flooring out.  Thursday was the sheetrock.  Friday we rested, and Saturday and Sunday was finishing sheetrock, packing what few belongings I still own, and cleaning a bit.  So many people stopped by.  Family, friends, coworkers, random strangers.  They came with gloves to help, water, and food to feed the workers.  I’ve never felt so loved.  And I needed every bit of it.  Several people remarked that I kept smiling and kept going.  I did, but it was because of how many people were there with me.

The thing that has been hardest to deal with is temporary living situations.  This is the third house I’ve stayed in since I evacuated my house.  I will be leaving here Friday and hopefully headed back to a coworkers.  I put a deposit on an apartment and will be moving in September 6.

I’ve met with contractors and insurance.  I’ve called every company I have an account with to make payment arrangements.  My phone rings nonstop.

I haven’t slept.  It’s making me overly emotional.  I’m also short tempered with most people around me.  Everyone has an opinion on what I should do.  I feel like I keep having the same conversations over and over again.

The most amazing thing through all of this is how much The Fish has stepped it up.  He’s been in constant contact.  Thursday night he spent the night with me in the house I was staying in(I had it to myself).  He brought me a bottle of bourbon and let me cry because he knew I hadn’t cried yet.  On Friday night, he met me for a drink at my favorite bar(which thankfully didn’t flood!) to keep my mind occupied.  He spent the entire day Saturday at my house, helping me and the others there rip out sheet rock and clean up.  It was the first time he had met any of my friends or family.  Saturday night he spent the night again and cuddled me and comforted me.  He called me Sunday to check in.  He even offered to help me with an apartment deposit if I needed it!  He’s seen and heard me cry more than I would like to admit lately.  He’s been simply amazing.

This has been such a humbling experience.  I’m ready to be back in my home.

Here Comes The Flood

Published August 14, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

It has only been one week since I wrote last, but it feels like years have passed between then and now.  I’m pretty sure I’ve aged a bit in this time.

Wednesday started the school year with students for me.  It was a stressful start because I am teaching three preps this year.  I also scheduled to take a certification test for another subject area Thursday evening, so I was stressed with studying.  I made it through both days, and passed my test!  The Fish told me I should go to his place to celebrate passing the test(he’d also helped me study a bit).  This was a HUGE deal because in the five months I’ve known him, he never even told me where he lived.

It started to rain on my way home from the test Thursday night.  I thought nothing of it, I’ve lived in Louisiana all of my life, that’s what happens here.  I carried my pretty pink polka dot umbrella and went on with my life.  I went to the Fish’s place around 8:30 Thursday evening.  We had a little fun, snuggled up on his sofa, and watched some TV.  Until the power went out at around 10:00.  I had to laugh as he lit candles around his apartment and we forced out conversation.  We were both a little tense and it was literally starting to get heated at that point, so I decided it was time for me to go home.  I was really worried that I wouldn’t be able to get out the gate at the complex, but it was fine.  We joked that I would have to call in to work in the morning “stuck at this dude’s place”.  I got home and went to sleep around midnight, ready for my five am Friday morning.

I woke up Friday morning to the sound of rain.  That was a little odd, but no cause for concern.  I noticed that a nearby school district had cancelled classes for the day, but we still had school.  I got myself ready and to the school around 6:15.  It was raining sideways, so I was still soaking wet, even with an umbrella.  There weren’t many people there and I was starting to hear that we were short staffed because some people couldn’t make it to school with the weather.  Shortly after, they cancelled school in our district.  We laughed it off, wondering why they would do that.  I went to breakfast with some coworkers, then spent most of the day on H‘s sofa.  I went home, took a nap, and watched the rain continue to fall.

That’s when it started to happen.  This is a bit more than a normal summer rain.  It just wasn’t letting up.  I went to bed thinking I was going to stay in and have a quiet weekend.

I woke up Saturday morning and it was still raining.  Roads were starting to close, and news reports were coming in of record flooding.  They talked about rivers cresting at really high levels.  Unprecedented was the word being used repeatedly.  I started to be a little concerned and tried to convince the Fish to come spend the day with me to pass the time.  He seemed to be entertaining the idea.  I decided to run to the store for some essentials in the event I lost electricity.

There was water in my street.  No big deal, right?  Wrong.  Water has never accumulated in my street.  And my house is built up quite a ways, so the water in the street was a little deep.  It wasn’t quite to the sidewalk yet, so I could make it out.  I was starting to be a little concerned and trying to formulate an escape plan just in case.  I got back to the house less than an hour later, and the water was up past the sidewalk.  I knew that if I was going to get out at that point, it needed to be then.

I went into a frenzy of packing a suitcase and essentials for me and the dogs.  I had to find a place to go that wasn’t in danger of flooding and was willing to take the dogs in as well(they each weigh 75 pounds, so most people and places don’t want to deal with that).  I called an aunt in my home town, and she told me to come on.  All of my friends basically laughed at me, thinking I was overreacting.  I told them I would rather be safe than sorry.  I packed up the car and made the two hour drive south.

That was a little over 24 hours ago.  The last update I received from my next door neighbor was at 5:30 this morning.  The water was to our doors and he was being rescued by boat.  I’ve seen some pictures and videos from our neighborhood, and my best estimate is that there is at least 2-3 feet of water in my house.

Many people I know are in the same situation, some even worse.  Some are trapped in their homes. I am safe and dry, but I know it will be a long road ahead.  I’m ready to get home to assess the damage and get things repaired.  I know it’s just stuff, but I am heartbroken, and I feel alone right now.  I just want someone to sit with.  Someone to hold my hand.


One of the pups finally getting some peaceful sleep after a rough few days.


Sweet Kisses

Published August 6, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

This summer has absolutely flown by.  I started back to work this week, and it was perfect timing because it keeps me busy and gets me back to a routine that I have been craving.  I’ve been mulling over a few things lately, and it was time to get them written down.

First, there is H and C.  I’ve been cautious about writing about them previously for their protection.  They are actually quite important to me.  I don’t have a large number of friends here, and I don’t have any family here, so they are my rocks.  Especially H.  C may possibly be taking a job outside of our state, and of course H would be going as well. I’ve tried to just listen to H talk about it, as I know he isn’t thrilled with the idea, but he loves C and would do anything to make things work.  I actually really admire their relationship.  Needless to say, I don’t want them to move.  Thinking about staying here without them here feels so empty.  We’ve half joked/half seriously discussed me moving as well.  I never intended on staying where I am, but I don’t really care for the place they are going either. I also can’t financially move as soon as they can, it will take me a couple of years before I feel like that is a financially sound idea.   Time will tell what happens there, and I’m just trying not to think about it.

That brings me to my next point, The Fish.  I know, it’s all I’ve written about for the last four months.  This has lasted much longer than I expected, and I don’t really see the end of it in sight.  As a followup to my last post, we went out for drinks and had a really nice time that night, but he did end up coming home with me.  It was great.  We’ve kept up our routine of seeing each other once a week and constantly talking between.  I’ve all but stopped initiating conversations with him, but I still hear from him every day.  He knows about H and how I feel about that, and he’s tried to stay a positive outlet for me.

Fish came over last night.  We’ve been watching a show together.  We got into bed and watched our show, while he had a nice whiskey.  We barely made it through fifteen minutes of show before we just decided to pause it and talk.  We talked for a really long time.  Catching up, deep conversations, stories, a little bit of everything.  The last two times I’ve seen him, he’s seemed to loosen up a bit with me.  Last weekend he was very silly and playful and it was looking like this may be the same last night.  We eventually went back to the show.  We had a little bit of fun between.  We’d pause it, talk, play, go back.  It was lovely.

Now here is something that I don’t know if I’ve explicitly stated here.  After all of the feelings talk mess we had, he’s stopped kissing me.  It’s weird.  I was very unhappy the first time it happened, but I know he thinks that’s helping to protect both of us from the feelings monster.  Sometimes I will tilt my head towards him and he smoothly pulls away.

Last night, in the show we were watching, one of the characters picks her chin up in preparation for a kiss, and the male character just turns around and walks away.  She gets pissy with him, and he has no clue why.  I laughed and remarked if he would have just kissed her, he could have just avoided all of that trouble.  The Fish asked if I thought that was really what caused it.  I said of course it is, I would know, because you do that shit all the time.  He practically jumped over me to grab the remote to pause the show and told me we were going to talk.

Fuck.  Did I really let those words past the filter?

So I turned to face him and explained myself.  I would also like to point out that he had been drinking and I had not.  I told him that over the last month or longer, he hasn’t been kissing me.  I told him that he came close a couple of times, but I could see the wheels spinning in his head and could tell he felt conflicted, so it was fine because I didn’t want to cross any of his boundaries.  He told me that he felt bad about it, and that he realized he had been doing it about two weeks ago and it made him uncomfortable that we had been having sex but not kissing.  He held me during this whole, very tough conversation.  He held my hand and caressed it.  We talked about things.  He was having a very difficult time expressing himself, and I think I may know what he was trying to say, but I’m not sure.  I don’t want to put words in his mouth.  He told me that this relationship was already so complicated and he didn’t want to make it any more so.  I felt love from him last night.  He was so tender, caring, and careful during this whole thing.  After we discussed things at length, he tilted my chin towards him and kissed me so sweetly while rubbing his thumb on my cheek.

Somehow that conversation also went to talking about H and C and I finally cried and got it out.  He continued to hold me and comfort me.  There was more play and watching the show the rest of the night, but there was a tender affection that had been missing for a long time.

I’m trying to keep telling myself that this is just temporary, but I can’t help but realize how amazing he really is.  I don’t want to let him go.  I think I may love him.  And I really shouldn’t.


A moment of clarity

Published July 22, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

I think I’ve finally had a moment of clarity through all of this darkness that has surrounded me the last several weeks.  A few things went into play here.

First, I was gone for four days with my work team for a training.  We road-tripped out of state together and bonded.  We also attended one of the best training I have ever attended.  It reminded me of my professional goals and what I feel like is my purpose.  I’m ready to start this school year in full swing.

I also isolated what was really bothering me.  By the last post, I’d figured it was the Fish, but now I know exactly why.  I didn’t feel like a person to him anymore.  For the last several months, he’s come over and had sex with me and left.  Sure, we talk between, but there was no real appreciation.  I need to see him outside of bed sometimes to remember that I am a person to him and not just a hole.  I need this to start being on my terms. I really don’t want a relationship with him, we are not compatible in that way.  However, if we are to continue our sexual relationship, he will need to start valuing my self worth.  And that starts by meeting me for drinks at my favorite place tonight and not coming home with me after.