depression

All posts tagged depression

Fake it ’till you make it

Published April 22, 2017 by daisiesloveandpeace

I’ve meant to write so many times between December and now.  As of my last post, the silence between The Fish and I had ended and I had spent almost the entire weekend with him.  I’ve spent nearly every weekend with him since then.  There have been many really good weekends.  Alas, I’m cycling back to feeling like I can’t do this.  I feel like I’ve been trying to “fake it ’till we make it” and there is never going to be a making it here.  I’m just not ready to say goodbye.  I don’t understand why he has such a strong grip on me.  Maybe it’s because he really is such a good person, and he does care in some capacity.  Just not the same way that I care about him.  He’s been by my side through a lot of shit for the last year: losing my house, rebuilding my house, the death of a family member, friend drama, family drama, etc.  He’s been by my side the entire time.  I just don’t understand why he doesn’t appreciate what he has with me more.  I think I’m pretty awesome.  For some reason my drive to settle down and start having children has really kicked in as of recently and think that has a lot to do with my feeling like I need to pin him down or let him go.

Which brings me to my next thing.  I’m finally moved back home!!  It took about 8 months since my house received 19 inches of water to clean it out and rebuild, but I’m home!  The Fish played a huge part in getting the apartment all packed up and moving me home.  It was a long miserable time in a cramped little apartment, but now that I’m home, the house feels so big.  Too big.  I joked with the Fish about him moving in as my roommate because I can’t handle the quiet.  I had a roommate prior to the flood, but I don’t know that I’m ready to go that route again.  There’s something so liberating about being able to walk around in your underwear(or less) when you feel like it.  I think this is part of what is making me want children so badly right now.  I’m ready to fill my home.

Before I can even think about children, I’ve got to get my health and weight in check.  I found a doctor I like and I’m working him to get my thyroid levels somewhat normal.  I’ve also started really, truly caring about what I am putting into my body.  I’ve struggled with stress eating and binging, but I’ve made it about 40 days focusing on healthy eating and I’m down about 22 pounds.  It’s definitely a one day at a time thing as I have about 170ish pounds left to go.  I’ve got to stay focused this time.  Fish has played a large part in keeping me on track as well.  He’s focused on his health, so it’s something we are doing together.

That circles me back to the Fish.  He’s clearly very intertwined in my day to day life.  I feel like I need to start slowly backing away.

Last and certainly not least, the anniversary of Ron’s suicide is very soon.  Moving back into the house that we bought together has really brought up a lot of memories.  He’s been on my mind a lot lately, so it doesn’t help that that date is coming up.  I still miss him.  I’ve had quite a few moments lately where I laughed about something to myself and wanted to call or text him to share because he would be the only one to understand, but then reality hits me like a ton of bricks.

One more good thing before I close this out:  I’ve been accepted into grad school.  I start in the fall and that may be what I need to really get myself out of the rut I feel.

I’m trying really damn hard to make myself be happy right now.  Going to fake it ’till I make it.

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The Never Ending Story

Published December 18, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

Thanksgiving break was depressing.  I had very little contact with The Fish which is what we agreed upon.  It sucked going from having a very level headed person who is an outsider to work and my circle of friends to talk to every day to silence.  His silence was partially to protect me, and partially to pull himself away from the situation and give himself a chance to move on.  I really didn’t understand why he needed a chance to move on when he wasn’t invested.

The week after Thanksgiving was a very trying week at work.  I was also having a hard time getting things straightened out between insurance, contractors, mortgage company, etc. and there felt like no end in sight.  On Saturday, I had a complete and total meltdown.  I called my parents(which I really don’t do), and cried about The Fish, work, the house, and just life in general.  I had hit rock bottom.  I wanted to see them for Christmas, but financially, it just isn’t going to happen.  I decided to focus that energy into something, and went out and bought an acoustic guitar.  I’ve always wanted to learn, so I thought this weird, quiet time in my life was a good time for it.  I started to make peace with the idea that contact with The Fish was going to be very limited if at all.

Sunday morning, I woke up to a text The Fish had sent in the middle of the night.  It simply said, “I’m having bad thoughts”.  After Ron, I really don’t play around with things said like that.  It took some prodding, but The Fish opened up to me about how alone he felt.  Essentially my melt down, just a day later.  We decided we can’t not be friends, so that officially broke the silence and we went back to speaking on a regular daily basis.

Last Friday, I went out with Glen to have some drinks downtown.  I knew The Fish was at a Christmas party, and we texted through the night while we were out.  I made a joke that he should come down and dance with me.  He told me he didn’t know how.  I suggested giving him private dance lessons in his living room.  And that, my friends, is how I ended back up in the presence of the Fish.  I went to his apartment after his party was over and I was done drinking with Glen.  He told me to put on some music and we actually did dance in his living room at three am.  We goofed around and laughed like we hadn’t done in a long time.  Things had become so serious and mundane before I broke things off.  I was constantly analyzing his every move before and not enjoying the moment.  This was different.  Dancing turned into a Backstreet Boys sing along.  And somehow Backstreet Boys led to sex.  Very passionate sex.  He kissed me a lot(remember he stopped kissing me months ago).  We had sex, then cuddle and fell asleep.  He woke me up the next morning with more sex.  I soaked it all in because I figured once he was sober and awake, he would realize he’d made a huge mistake and pull away.

Boy was I wrong. We talked through text all day Saturday.  He was flirty.  Saturday night, again I went out and he had a party.  We met back up at his place after.  He was far too drunk to have sex which really was a first.  We still had a good time, cuddles, and a sleepover.  I snuck out early the next morning because I had things to take care of, but he when he woke up, he sent me a text regretting I left because he wanted to make up for the no sex the night before.

On Monday, I was back at his place.  There was no sex, but I did rewrite his OkCupid profile for him.  It was very oddly cathartic.

Thursday was a rough day for me, and he invited me over that night to relax.  We just sat around and talked and watched football.  Blow job, but no sex.

Friday night, we tried to make things work, but I was tired and didn’t feel well so I went to sleep.

On Saturday(yesterday), I knew he had another party and I was worried about some of the times he has chosen to drive lately.  I told him if he needed a ride to let me know and I would gladly come get him.  Around 1am, he called and asked if I would come get him and also spend the night.  I was sound asleep, but I woke myself up and drove out to get him.  He was very appreciative of what I was doing.  On the way to his place, he held my hand while caressing it with his thumb.  Again, it was goofy and laid back when we got to his place.  We had really great sex(which is pretty normal for him).  We decided to go to bed, and cuddle some more before falling asleep.

We woke up this morning and he initiated sex again.  I know this is the last time I’ll see him for a couple of weeks while he is out of town for the holiday, so I enjoyed every second.  I brought him to his car and came home.

I know where he stands.  I know he doesn’t see himself with me long term.  He knows I love him.  There’s no more questioning in anything.  I know this may not be the smartest thing to continue like we are, but I am really not ready to be without him in any capacity.

Tell me everything is okay

Published July 14, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

The last week and a half has been a weepy time.

The last thing I wrote about was the July 4th party I attended on July 3rd.  I was surrounded by pretty, paired off people.  It took a huge toll on my self-esteem.

I cried for at least three hours straight on the morning of the 4th.  I cried for so many reasons, many of which I couldn’t articulate even if I tried.  I finally dragged myself out of bed and went to the gym with H and Glen.  My eyes were swollen, I was pissy and short, and I just didn’t want to talk.  Both asked me separately if I was okay.  I was honest and said no, but I also didn’t want to talk about it.  H pushed again through text once I was home and I was able to get a little of it out.  He’s honestly been amazing as always at keeping a perfect distance during this time.  I think it’s also because it’s a perfect distance for him as well.  Glen came home with me after the gym and we grilled some food and I consumed a good bit of alcohol.  I thought that would be the end of that.

It hasn’t been.  I’ve cried almost every day since then. I’ve been a bitch to many people around me, purposely pushing them away.  I want to be alone.  And at the very same time, I don’t want to be alone.

I was finally able to sort of put words to my issues in a text to AJ after I completely ignored him for a weekend.

It’s the unsettling loneliness coupled with feeling disposable to anyone I care about.  And feeling stagnant and stuck in a place I never wanted to be in the first place.  I’ve cried everyday for almost a week straight.  I make myself get up and leave the house and not stay in bed all day and it doesn’t help.  Nothing helps.  I’ve been a bitch to everyone around me.  I can’t see and end in sight.

I think one of the main issues at play may be the Fish.  I am not one of his priorities and he makes that very clear.  I don’t quite understand the way he thinks.  He obviously cares and values me outside of sex as he talks to me about personal things.  He is just completely detached from me at the same time.  I want more and I obviously am not going to get it.  He knows that something has been off and he has offered his help, but I think the only help he could possibly give me right now is to let me go. I’m not ready for that yet.  It’s going to hurt like hell.

I miss the relationship I used to have with the Unicorn.  I miss having someone to go do things with: hiking, the zoo, random adventures.  I miss having someone to talk to like that.

I have been still active on reddit, Okcupid, tinder, and bumble.  I’ve come to appreciate bumble a bit more.  I’ve met a guy there that I will hopefully meet up with soon.  We’ve been texting almost two weeks now.  He’s sweet.  I don’t want to get my hopes up right now though.

I put an ad on r4r on reddit last week.  I got a few responses and one stuck out.  We exchanged texts and even a nearly two hour phone call.  It was great, then he implied I was a slut(actually using the word slut).  I can’t stand for that.  That had me sour for a couple of days on its own.

So what am I doing to help all of these things?  I am communicating with multiple men as to not put all my eggs in one basket.  I registered for a test to get certified to teach another subject to beef up my resume.  I’ve been keeping as busy as possible.  I started a crochet blanket.  I’ve been preparing for the new school year.

I still feel empty.  I’m missing something.

Dance Party

Published April 10, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

This week was a little rough.  I had to get back into the swing of things after a week off of work, and I was in a lot of pain because of the back spasm that happened last Saturday night. Things kind of came to a head on Thursday morning with the pain, and I ended up leaving work early to spend the rest of the day in bed.  I tried to make plans with The Fish Thursday night, but he fell asleep. I took it in stride, but secretly wondered if that had already come to its end.

Thursday night was rough.  I had a lot of nightmares and would wake up in panic.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  I got to work Friday morning and H asked me if I wanted to go out that night.  That was a really weird thing for him, so I gleefully accepted and was pretty stoked all day about it.  That idea lost momentum by the end of the day, and I ended up staying home that night.  I had a bit of a rough night Friday night as a carry over of Thursday night’s nightmares.  I was talking to The Fish that night and after he flirted a bit and I didn’t take the bait, this exchange took place:

I was very surprised by the exchange.  We continued to talk(non sexy talk) until I fell asleep that night.  It was nice.

Saturday morning, I met Glen for breakfast and then he came to work with me for a little while.  We made plans with H and C to go out dancing that night. We went out to a club in town, and we all had a really good time.  I’m used to being the designated driver, so when someone else volunteered, I took full advantage of it.  I did a bit of dancing.

Some combination of where my hormones are right now and dancing with hot men left me wanting something steamy that night.  In the car, on the way to my house, I texted The Fish and asked him to meet me at my house.  It was 1:30 in the morning and he had already fallen asleep, but he came over anyways.

I let The Fish into the house and immediately attacked him.  I threw my arms around him and pulled him in for a kiss, pressing my body into his.  His hands immediately wandered and found their way to my breasts.  He eventually pulled away and asked if we should take it to my bedroom, I said yes and started to walk down the hall.  He walked behind me and wrapped his arms around me from behind, sliding his hands into my top, and playing with my nipples. I stopped and grinded my ass into his crotch.  He nuzzled his mouth into my neck.  Again, he stopped and asked if we should continue to my room.  We made our way to my room and I had to take care of one of the pups that had been locked away in there, so I asked him to sit on the bed and wait for me there.  I took care of the pup and when I returned to my room, he was still sitting on the edge of the bed.  I pulled up my skirt(I’d removed my panties before he arrived) and straddled his leg, throwing my arms around him and kissing him again.  His hand quickly found its way up my skirt and he began to finger me.  I was grinding into his hand and leg and letting out whimpers of pleasure.  I started to strip both of us down, but he wouldn’t take his hand from my pussy.  After I got most of our clothes off, I leaned over kissing up his neck to his ear and whispered into his ear pleas for him to fill my pussy with his cock.  Soon after that, I ended up on the bed with him deep inside of me.  My dirty talk game was definitely on that night and it wasn’t long before he was cumming.  I took great pride in that.  We laid next to each for a little bit being silly, then he leaned over me, kissing me and slid his hand between my legs again.  I came on his fingers and he was rock hard again.  He fucked me again.  My previous orgasm left me feeling very sensitive, so I felt every minute movement his dick made inside of me.  He gave me lots of long, deep thrusts.  I began to play with my nipples and that really made him turned on, to the point that he was going to cum again.  He wasn’t ready to so he leaned forward making it difficult for me to play with myself and continued to fuck me that way.  He eventually came again.  We cuddled up for a short while, but I was struggling to keep my eyes open.  Keeping with our previously set guidelines, he left before we had the chance to fall asleep.  It was wonderful.

There’s part of me that wonders a little if this could be more than sex, but I just want to continue to ride out the good feelings and see what happens.

Meltdown

Published February 9, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

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I’ve just been chugging along for the last few weeks.  I’ve completely deleted Facebook, Tinder, OkCupid and most other forms of social media/dating sites.  I’ve been to the gym at least five times a week. I’ve pretty much stopped drinking.  I haven’t been eating carbs.  I’ve been spending an average of 10 hours a day at school. I haven’t had any sex since Zeus. Physically, I’ve had so much more energy.  I’ve felt alive. Focused. Driven.  I feel like I am getting somewhere at work.

But I still feel like I am missing things.  Some days, I feel stagnant. I want to get out of this town.  Meet new people. See the world.  H pointed out that I should feel anything but stagnant right now, but I really can’t help it.

Then today happened.

We are off of work today because it is Mardi Gras. I personally don’t care to celebrate Mardi Gras, so I just planned to make the most of my day off.  I got up and went to the gym with my friends H and C.  They immediately noticed that I was quiet and looked angry. I realized that I had been deep in thought and I have been a little irritated with different things.  We did our workout and I went to drop them back off at home.  H pointed out the work they had done in their yard yesterday and was explaining to me that it wouldn’t take long for me to do the same to my yard.  And my yard desperately needs it.  They then started to get out of the car and I completely melted down.  They then asked me to come inside and talk. But I couldn’t talk.  I was sure how to communicate what made me cry, when I wasn’t sure myself.

Then it really hit me.  I’m so sick of being alone.  I’m tired of doing things by myself.  Talking about cleaning out my yard felt so overwhelming because I knew I would be doing it alone and I’ve really let it go this past year.  I’ve been keeping myself so busy, that I haven’t noticed how lonely I really am.

I also feel like I do so much for others and don’t really receive anything in return.  I’m tired of being walked all over, but I’m too nice to make it stop.

Being the amazing friends they are, H and C went shopping with me and then came home with me to tackle the project that was my yard.  They did an amazing job and I am so thankful to have them around.

Naked

Published October 8, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

Every morning on my way to work, the fingers on my left hand come together and I realize that there is no barrier between my ring finger and my middle finger or pinky finger.  My ring is gone. I panic for a half second before realizing that I haven’t worn a ring in a while. When will it ever stop feeling so naked?

Today was especially rough as I realized today makes exactly one year that our divorce was final.  It’s been almost two since we split up. Where has all the time gone?

I spent a little over a year getting over our divorce, and the last five months unraveling from his suicide. Hopefully one day I will be done grieving.

Hopefully soon.

Dark and Twisty

Published September 21, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

This was not a good weekend for me. My dark and twisty side definitely came out. I didn’t want to leave my bed for anything from the time I got home on Friday. So I didn’t for a lot of the weekend. Best friend Glen made me get out Friday evening. And my other friend, Tinka needed to get away Saturday, so I sucked it up and got up for a while then.  I cried a lot. I’ve been avoiding any conversation with Glen that would share any of my feelings for the last four months. Everything came pouring out on Friday night. It’s not pretty. I sent a text to one of my friends, H, that I work with.  I told him I needed a mental health day. And while that’s the truth, I feel guilty when I miss a day of work. I don’t like doing that to my students. So I went to work anyways.  I was just down.  I’ve been feeling like I can’t breathe. H called it dread, but it’s far worse then dread. It’s a feeling of uselessness. What’s my purpose? Why am I here? Does anything really matter?

Luckily, H is pretty good at making me smile. He’s also good at tough love, which I needed.  After work, I stopped by Ron’s old place of work.  I’m still friends with the people he worked with(Tinka is one of them).  They just changed offices, so it was a lot easier for me to visit there because I don’t have a connection to the actual building. It’s also nice to be around people who understand who I miss.  There are still remnants of Ron at the office. I’m sure there always will be. It was so nice to be there.

Today reminded me that there are people who love me. If there is no other purpose in life, it’s to spend time with them.