feelings

All posts tagged feelings

The Never Ending Story

Published December 18, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

Thanksgiving break was depressing.  I had very little contact with The Fish which is what we agreed upon.  It sucked going from having a very level headed person who is an outsider to work and my circle of friends to talk to every day to silence.  His silence was partially to protect me, and partially to pull himself away from the situation and give himself a chance to move on.  I really didn’t understand why he needed a chance to move on when he wasn’t invested.

The week after Thanksgiving was a very trying week at work.  I was also having a hard time getting things straightened out between insurance, contractors, mortgage company, etc. and there felt like no end in sight.  On Saturday, I had a complete and total meltdown.  I called my parents(which I really don’t do), and cried about The Fish, work, the house, and just life in general.  I had hit rock bottom.  I wanted to see them for Christmas, but financially, it just isn’t going to happen.  I decided to focus that energy into something, and went out and bought an acoustic guitar.  I’ve always wanted to learn, so I thought this weird, quiet time in my life was a good time for it.  I started to make peace with the idea that contact with The Fish was going to be very limited if at all.

Sunday morning, I woke up to a text The Fish had sent in the middle of the night.  It simply said, “I’m having bad thoughts”.  After Ron, I really don’t play around with things said like that.  It took some prodding, but The Fish opened up to me about how alone he felt.  Essentially my melt down, just a day later.  We decided we can’t not be friends, so that officially broke the silence and we went back to speaking on a regular daily basis.

Last Friday, I went out with Glen to have some drinks downtown.  I knew The Fish was at a Christmas party, and we texted through the night while we were out.  I made a joke that he should come down and dance with me.  He told me he didn’t know how.  I suggested giving him private dance lessons in his living room.  And that, my friends, is how I ended back up in the presence of the Fish.  I went to his apartment after his party was over and I was done drinking with Glen.  He told me to put on some music and we actually did dance in his living room at three am.  We goofed around and laughed like we hadn’t done in a long time.  Things had become so serious and mundane before I broke things off.  I was constantly analyzing his every move before and not enjoying the moment.  This was different.  Dancing turned into a Backstreet Boys sing along.  And somehow Backstreet Boys led to sex.  Very passionate sex.  He kissed me a lot(remember he stopped kissing me months ago).  We had sex, then cuddle and fell asleep.  He woke me up the next morning with more sex.  I soaked it all in because I figured once he was sober and awake, he would realize he’d made a huge mistake and pull away.

Boy was I wrong. We talked through text all day Saturday.  He was flirty.  Saturday night, again I went out and he had a party.  We met back up at his place after.  He was far too drunk to have sex which really was a first.  We still had a good time, cuddles, and a sleepover.  I snuck out early the next morning because I had things to take care of, but he when he woke up, he sent me a text regretting I left because he wanted to make up for the no sex the night before.

On Monday, I was back at his place.  There was no sex, but I did rewrite his OkCupid profile for him.  It was very oddly cathartic.

Thursday was a rough day for me, and he invited me over that night to relax.  We just sat around and talked and watched football.  Blow job, but no sex.

Friday night, we tried to make things work, but I was tired and didn’t feel well so I went to sleep.

On Saturday(yesterday), I knew he had another party and I was worried about some of the times he has chosen to drive lately.  I told him if he needed a ride to let me know and I would gladly come get him.  Around 1am, he called and asked if I would come get him and also spend the night.  I was sound asleep, but I woke myself up and drove out to get him.  He was very appreciative of what I was doing.  On the way to his place, he held my hand while caressing it with his thumb.  Again, it was goofy and laid back when we got to his place.  We had really great sex(which is pretty normal for him).  We decided to go to bed, and cuddle some more before falling asleep.

We woke up this morning and he initiated sex again.  I know this is the last time I’ll see him for a couple of weeks while he is out of town for the holiday, so I enjoyed every second.  I brought him to his car and came home.

I know where he stands.  I know he doesn’t see himself with me long term.  He knows I love him.  There’s no more questioning in anything.  I know this may not be the smartest thing to continue like we are, but I am really not ready to be without him in any capacity.

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Sweet Kisses

Published August 6, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

This summer has absolutely flown by.  I started back to work this week, and it was perfect timing because it keeps me busy and gets me back to a routine that I have been craving.  I’ve been mulling over a few things lately, and it was time to get them written down.

First, there is H and C.  I’ve been cautious about writing about them previously for their protection.  They are actually quite important to me.  I don’t have a large number of friends here, and I don’t have any family here, so they are my rocks.  Especially H.  C may possibly be taking a job outside of our state, and of course H would be going as well. I’ve tried to just listen to H talk about it, as I know he isn’t thrilled with the idea, but he loves C and would do anything to make things work.  I actually really admire their relationship.  Needless to say, I don’t want them to move.  Thinking about staying here without them here feels so empty.  We’ve half joked/half seriously discussed me moving as well.  I never intended on staying where I am, but I don’t really care for the place they are going either. I also can’t financially move as soon as they can, it will take me a couple of years before I feel like that is a financially sound idea.   Time will tell what happens there, and I’m just trying not to think about it.

That brings me to my next point, The Fish.  I know, it’s all I’ve written about for the last four months.  This has lasted much longer than I expected, and I don’t really see the end of it in sight.  As a followup to my last post, we went out for drinks and had a really nice time that night, but he did end up coming home with me.  It was great.  We’ve kept up our routine of seeing each other once a week and constantly talking between.  I’ve all but stopped initiating conversations with him, but I still hear from him every day.  He knows about H and how I feel about that, and he’s tried to stay a positive outlet for me.

Fish came over last night.  We’ve been watching a show together.  We got into bed and watched our show, while he had a nice whiskey.  We barely made it through fifteen minutes of show before we just decided to pause it and talk.  We talked for a really long time.  Catching up, deep conversations, stories, a little bit of everything.  The last two times I’ve seen him, he’s seemed to loosen up a bit with me.  Last weekend he was very silly and playful and it was looking like this may be the same last night.  We eventually went back to the show.  We had a little bit of fun between.  We’d pause it, talk, play, go back.  It was lovely.

Now here is something that I don’t know if I’ve explicitly stated here.  After all of the feelings talk mess we had, he’s stopped kissing me.  It’s weird.  I was very unhappy the first time it happened, but I know he thinks that’s helping to protect both of us from the feelings monster.  Sometimes I will tilt my head towards him and he smoothly pulls away.

Last night, in the show we were watching, one of the characters picks her chin up in preparation for a kiss, and the male character just turns around and walks away.  She gets pissy with him, and he has no clue why.  I laughed and remarked if he would have just kissed her, he could have just avoided all of that trouble.  The Fish asked if I thought that was really what caused it.  I said of course it is, I would know, because you do that shit all the time.  He practically jumped over me to grab the remote to pause the show and told me we were going to talk.

Fuck.  Did I really let those words past the filter?

So I turned to face him and explained myself.  I would also like to point out that he had been drinking and I had not.  I told him that over the last month or longer, he hasn’t been kissing me.  I told him that he came close a couple of times, but I could see the wheels spinning in his head and could tell he felt conflicted, so it was fine because I didn’t want to cross any of his boundaries.  He told me that he felt bad about it, and that he realized he had been doing it about two weeks ago and it made him uncomfortable that we had been having sex but not kissing.  He held me during this whole, very tough conversation.  He held my hand and caressed it.  We talked about things.  He was having a very difficult time expressing himself, and I think I may know what he was trying to say, but I’m not sure.  I don’t want to put words in his mouth.  He told me that this relationship was already so complicated and he didn’t want to make it any more so.  I felt love from him last night.  He was so tender, caring, and careful during this whole thing.  After we discussed things at length, he tilted my chin towards him and kissed me so sweetly while rubbing his thumb on my cheek.

Somehow that conversation also went to talking about H and C and I finally cried and got it out.  He continued to hold me and comfort me.  There was more play and watching the show the rest of the night, but there was a tender affection that had been missing for a long time.

I’m trying to keep telling myself that this is just temporary, but I can’t help but realize how amazing he really is.  I don’t want to let him go.  I think I may love him.  And I really shouldn’t.

 

Where I Stand

Published July 4, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

It has been a whirlwind for the last few weeks.  I’ve been meaning to write, but I’ve also been avoiding it.

Let’s update on The Fish, first.  We’ve settled into a bit of a routine.  He comes over, we snuggle, watch a movie, have a drink, have sex, half the time he spends the night, wash, rinse, repeat.  The feelings I have for him have grown over the last 3-4 months that we’ve been doing this.  We talk every single day.  I’ve tested it by not messaging first, and he still finds time to talk to me.

About two weeks ago, we forced out a feelings talk.  It started because I told him it was cute how affectionate he gets when he’s falling asleep.  That turned into him saying  he wished he could be more affectionate with me, but he didn’t want to lead me on.  I told him I was falling.  He said that he had romantic feelings for me, but it wasn’t love and he didn’t think it was enough to sustain a relationship.  I understood, because I don’t think it’s enough to sustain a relationship either, but I don’t want what we have to stop.  I’ve seen him three times since then.  The first was a little awkward, but we are back to being exactly as we were.

The second time was to keep me calm as I was flying out early the following morning for a work conference.  I’m terrible with flying and I was a nervous mess.  He definitely helped to take the edge off of things.

The trip itself was very stressful… I was with eight coworkers and the rest of them were in some way on the administrative team. I was the only peon there.  Every minute of every day was planned for us.  Oh, and my family met up with me there as well.  It was overwhelming and I am so happy to be home.

In the midst of this, I found myself back on Facebook. And tinder.  And we are trying out bumble.  There is nothing really of interest yet.  And I am not ready to give up the Fish, but I don’t think he will take to me seeing others too well.  He still hasn’t signed into OkC since April 15.

I went to a party today.  I didn’t know that many people there, but the people I did know were all happily paired off.  One of them is very happy in a new relationship.  It made me crave that.  I want to feel like that again.  Seeing them all and talking to them really makes me think that I’ve never really had a healthy relationship.

Another thing happened at this party. It was all pretty, healthy, fit people.  I felt so far on the outside.  I’ve still been in the gym several times a week, but I really need to get more serious about reaching my goals.  I’ve got one month left before school starts back up and I really want to be below a certain weight by then.  It’s doable, but it’s going to take dedication from here on out.

I’m up far past my bedtime tonight.  This is the first summer night that I’ve had too much on my mind to sleep.  This is so much better than last summer, but tonight also needs to be the last night this summer that keeps me awake.