friends with benefits

All posts tagged friends with benefits

Free Milk

Published October 13, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

It has been far too long between entries here.

After bouncing around a little, I was able to secure an apartment.  This means that I am currently paying a mortgage and rent.  It’s a decent place, but it’s difficult with two large dogs.  They need a backyard.  I’m ready to have my house back.  The house is currently the shell of what it once was.  There is a lot of red tape between insurance and the mortgage company, so I think this will be a long process.

Since I last wrote, another birthday has come and gone.  I was able to have a nice, small celebration with friends.  The Fish even came out with us.  He’s been very present in my life.  I’ve seen him at least once a week (but often more) since this started.  I spent almost my entire birthday weekend at his apartment.  For the most part, he seems okay with the increased time together.

It’s been nearly seven months since our first date.  I’ve been reflecting on how much things have evolved during this time.  It started with just sex, then some sleepovers, then maybe a drink and sex, the a drink and movie and sex.   There are times now that I see him and we don’t even have sex.  We watch football, youtube videos, old movies, and he taught me how to play chess.

I knew his birthday was sometime around my own, but he wouldn’t tell me when.  Apparently his birthday causes some kind of existential crisis.  I figured out that his birthday was yesterday with only a small amount of research.  I brought him a bottle of scotch and a small chocolate cake.  I couldn’t do a birthday card, because I didn’t want to send him running like a dog with its tail between its legs, so I stuck a post-it note on it instead that said, “Happy first day of hockey!”.

I’m still just playing this whole thing safe and waiting patiently.  H said that if it were him, he wouldn’t let me go.  I guess he doesn’t need to buy the cow when he’s getting the milk for free.  I still just can’t let this go.  I know he isn’t seeing anyone else, and neither am I.  This is the longest I’ve stuck with any one person since Ron.  This is the most patient I’ve ever been.  I want this to work.  I need this to work.  H is waiting for the ugly fallout.  I just don’t see it happening anytime soon.  I really do love him, and I know he feels something for me.


Sweet Kisses

Published August 6, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

This summer has absolutely flown by.  I started back to work this week, and it was perfect timing because it keeps me busy and gets me back to a routine that I have been craving.  I’ve been mulling over a few things lately, and it was time to get them written down.

First, there is H and C.  I’ve been cautious about writing about them previously for their protection.  They are actually quite important to me.  I don’t have a large number of friends here, and I don’t have any family here, so they are my rocks.  Especially H.  C may possibly be taking a job outside of our state, and of course H would be going as well. I’ve tried to just listen to H talk about it, as I know he isn’t thrilled with the idea, but he loves C and would do anything to make things work.  I actually really admire their relationship.  Needless to say, I don’t want them to move.  Thinking about staying here without them here feels so empty.  We’ve half joked/half seriously discussed me moving as well.  I never intended on staying where I am, but I don’t really care for the place they are going either. I also can’t financially move as soon as they can, it will take me a couple of years before I feel like that is a financially sound idea.   Time will tell what happens there, and I’m just trying not to think about it.

That brings me to my next point, The Fish.  I know, it’s all I’ve written about for the last four months.  This has lasted much longer than I expected, and I don’t really see the end of it in sight.  As a followup to my last post, we went out for drinks and had a really nice time that night, but he did end up coming home with me.  It was great.  We’ve kept up our routine of seeing each other once a week and constantly talking between.  I’ve all but stopped initiating conversations with him, but I still hear from him every day.  He knows about H and how I feel about that, and he’s tried to stay a positive outlet for me.

Fish came over last night.  We’ve been watching a show together.  We got into bed and watched our show, while he had a nice whiskey.  We barely made it through fifteen minutes of show before we just decided to pause it and talk.  We talked for a really long time.  Catching up, deep conversations, stories, a little bit of everything.  The last two times I’ve seen him, he’s seemed to loosen up a bit with me.  Last weekend he was very silly and playful and it was looking like this may be the same last night.  We eventually went back to the show.  We had a little bit of fun between.  We’d pause it, talk, play, go back.  It was lovely.

Now here is something that I don’t know if I’ve explicitly stated here.  After all of the feelings talk mess we had, he’s stopped kissing me.  It’s weird.  I was very unhappy the first time it happened, but I know he thinks that’s helping to protect both of us from the feelings monster.  Sometimes I will tilt my head towards him and he smoothly pulls away.

Last night, in the show we were watching, one of the characters picks her chin up in preparation for a kiss, and the male character just turns around and walks away.  She gets pissy with him, and he has no clue why.  I laughed and remarked if he would have just kissed her, he could have just avoided all of that trouble.  The Fish asked if I thought that was really what caused it.  I said of course it is, I would know, because you do that shit all the time.  He practically jumped over me to grab the remote to pause the show and told me we were going to talk.

Fuck.  Did I really let those words past the filter?

So I turned to face him and explained myself.  I would also like to point out that he had been drinking and I had not.  I told him that over the last month or longer, he hasn’t been kissing me.  I told him that he came close a couple of times, but I could see the wheels spinning in his head and could tell he felt conflicted, so it was fine because I didn’t want to cross any of his boundaries.  He told me that he felt bad about it, and that he realized he had been doing it about two weeks ago and it made him uncomfortable that we had been having sex but not kissing.  He held me during this whole, very tough conversation.  He held my hand and caressed it.  We talked about things.  He was having a very difficult time expressing himself, and I think I may know what he was trying to say, but I’m not sure.  I don’t want to put words in his mouth.  He told me that this relationship was already so complicated and he didn’t want to make it any more so.  I felt love from him last night.  He was so tender, caring, and careful during this whole thing.  After we discussed things at length, he tilted my chin towards him and kissed me so sweetly while rubbing his thumb on my cheek.

Somehow that conversation also went to talking about H and C and I finally cried and got it out.  He continued to hold me and comfort me.  There was more play and watching the show the rest of the night, but there was a tender affection that had been missing for a long time.

I’m trying to keep telling myself that this is just temporary, but I can’t help but realize how amazing he really is.  I don’t want to let him go.  I think I may love him.  And I really shouldn’t.


A moment of clarity

Published July 22, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

I think I’ve finally had a moment of clarity through all of this darkness that has surrounded me the last several weeks.  A few things went into play here.

First, I was gone for four days with my work team for a training.  We road-tripped out of state together and bonded.  We also attended one of the best training I have ever attended.  It reminded me of my professional goals and what I feel like is my purpose.  I’m ready to start this school year in full swing.

I also isolated what was really bothering me.  By the last post, I’d figured it was the Fish, but now I know exactly why.  I didn’t feel like a person to him anymore.  For the last several months, he’s come over and had sex with me and left.  Sure, we talk between, but there was no real appreciation.  I need to see him outside of bed sometimes to remember that I am a person to him and not just a hole.  I need this to start being on my terms. I really don’t want a relationship with him, we are not compatible in that way.  However, if we are to continue our sexual relationship, he will need to start valuing my self worth.  And that starts by meeting me for drinks at my favorite place tonight and not coming home with me after.

Tell me everything is okay

Published July 14, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

The last week and a half has been a weepy time.

The last thing I wrote about was the July 4th party I attended on July 3rd.  I was surrounded by pretty, paired off people.  It took a huge toll on my self-esteem.

I cried for at least three hours straight on the morning of the 4th.  I cried for so many reasons, many of which I couldn’t articulate even if I tried.  I finally dragged myself out of bed and went to the gym with H and Glen.  My eyes were swollen, I was pissy and short, and I just didn’t want to talk.  Both asked me separately if I was okay.  I was honest and said no, but I also didn’t want to talk about it.  H pushed again through text once I was home and I was able to get a little of it out.  He’s honestly been amazing as always at keeping a perfect distance during this time.  I think it’s also because it’s a perfect distance for him as well.  Glen came home with me after the gym and we grilled some food and I consumed a good bit of alcohol.  I thought that would be the end of that.

It hasn’t been.  I’ve cried almost every day since then. I’ve been a bitch to many people around me, purposely pushing them away.  I want to be alone.  And at the very same time, I don’t want to be alone.

I was finally able to sort of put words to my issues in a text to AJ after I completely ignored him for a weekend.

It’s the unsettling loneliness coupled with feeling disposable to anyone I care about.  And feeling stagnant and stuck in a place I never wanted to be in the first place.  I’ve cried everyday for almost a week straight.  I make myself get up and leave the house and not stay in bed all day and it doesn’t help.  Nothing helps.  I’ve been a bitch to everyone around me.  I can’t see and end in sight.

I think one of the main issues at play may be the Fish.  I am not one of his priorities and he makes that very clear.  I don’t quite understand the way he thinks.  He obviously cares and values me outside of sex as he talks to me about personal things.  He is just completely detached from me at the same time.  I want more and I obviously am not going to get it.  He knows that something has been off and he has offered his help, but I think the only help he could possibly give me right now is to let me go. I’m not ready for that yet.  It’s going to hurt like hell.

I miss the relationship I used to have with the Unicorn.  I miss having someone to go do things with: hiking, the zoo, random adventures.  I miss having someone to talk to like that.

I have been still active on reddit, Okcupid, tinder, and bumble.  I’ve come to appreciate bumble a bit more.  I’ve met a guy there that I will hopefully meet up with soon.  We’ve been texting almost two weeks now.  He’s sweet.  I don’t want to get my hopes up right now though.

I put an ad on r4r on reddit last week.  I got a few responses and one stuck out.  We exchanged texts and even a nearly two hour phone call.  It was great, then he implied I was a slut(actually using the word slut).  I can’t stand for that.  That had me sour for a couple of days on its own.

So what am I doing to help all of these things?  I am communicating with multiple men as to not put all my eggs in one basket.  I registered for a test to get certified to teach another subject to beef up my resume.  I’ve been keeping as busy as possible.  I started a crochet blanket.  I’ve been preparing for the new school year.

I still feel empty.  I’m missing something.

Pillow Talk

Published June 5, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

This weekend has been nothing like I expected.  My dad did end up staying at my house Friday night, but he left early yesterday evening to go visit family in our hometown.  I decided to see what the Fish was up to.  I wasn’t feeling particularly horny, but I was lonely and could use the companionship.  I’d also spent the day with extended family with young children, so that voice that sometimes tells me I’m ready to start my own family was yelling in my ear and needed to be silenced somehow.  The Fish had plans with friends, but told me he could come over, around 11.  I asked him if we could watch a movie and snuggle which is a bit different from our normal routine.

About ten minutes before the Fish got to my house, my roommate showed up.  I wasn’t expecting him home, so I am glad he came home when he did and not twenty minutes later.  The Fish arrived and we decided it would be best to watch a movie in my bed instead of the living room since my roommate had gotten home.  We went in my room, and he began to make himself comfortable.  He’d brought over some bourbon and was pouring when I reached around him to grab the remote for the TV.  He stopped and grabbed my breast and started to massage it.  I smirked at him and told him we were going to be watching a movie and that was distracting.  He then spun me in a way so that I was sitting in his lap facing away from him and he had both arms wrapped around me, fondling my breasts.  I put my head back, nuzzled against his and let out a moan.  I was not going to let him win though, so I broke away and got into the bed.  Fully clothed.  He took off his pants and laid next to me.  We started the movie, and his hand quickly found its way back to my breast.  I tried as hard as I could to focus on the movie and I did a pretty good job for about fifteen minutes until he decided to move from my breasts to petting me from the top of my pants.  I suddenly needed to feel him so badly, but my willpower was strong and I ignored him the best I could.  I eventually put my hand down and found that he was hard and hanging out of his boxers.  I started to caress his hard cock and could feel the precum dripping from the tip.  This only proved to make me more excited.  I looked at him and told him that it wasn’t fair I was still wearing pants, so I slid mine off, but left my panties on.  His hand quickly found its way around my panties and he was running his fingers across my slit.  He quickly shoved a finger deep inside of me and I arched my back in great pleasure.  He remarked at how wet I was and I could feel the effect it had on his cock.  He quickly fingered me into a beautiful, intense orgasm using two fingers to fuck my hole, while massaging my clit with his thumb.  He was overcome with how wet I was and his urgency to be inside of my wetness was apparent.  I whispered that I needed him inside of me.  He just pushed my panties to the side and slid his dick in.  It was sexy and every nerve ending on my body was sensitive from my orgasm.  It wasn’t long before he was ready to cum.  He pulled out and shot his load across my stomach, tits, and neck.  That’s one of my favorite things.  I smiled up at him, pulled my shirt back down to cover myself and we went back to watching the movie.

After the movie, we started discussing random things.  There were a couple of things to note from out conversation.  He was picking on me for something and I told him I really didn’t care, I’m not easily offended.  He told me that he knew.  He thought I was really tough and that could sometimes be good and bad.  I asked him why he thought it was a bad thing.  He told me it also meant that you are emotionally disconnected.  That made me wonder if I came off as unavailable to him, even though I was suddenly starting to feel emotional towards him.

Next, was the nerdy talk.  We went through a talk that was a combination of science, religion, and philosophy.  You see, the last few times I’ve seen him, I’ve felt empty afterwords.  I felt like whatever we had going on was losing momentum and would come to its inevitable end sooner rather than later.  This talk, coupled with the amazing sex we’d just had made me want him.  It made me want to be a part of his life outside of my bedroom. He’s so smart and sees the world in such a similar way to myself.  We had this serious, albeit nerdy, talk for a while.  It ended in a moment.  You know when you lock eyes with someone and you feel like you can see a glimpse into their soul?  That was the kind of moment I felt like we’d had.  He then leaned over and kissed me.  I fell. I fell so hard.

That led to more sex, which was really good again.  After he came, he laid beside me and started to fall asleep while holding onto me. I reached over to turn out the lamp and fell asleep next to him.


Jalapeño Business

Published June 1, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

As I mentioned in my last post, my dad will be visiting this weekend.  He actually arrives tomorrow, but he will be going to visit relatives in our hometown before coming here on Friday.  He hasn’t been here in two years, and he wants to spend the time working around the house.  There’s not a whole lot that needs to be done around here(in my eyes).  He did throw me for a loop.  At first, he said he would be staying with his sister the whole visit and driving back and fourth to me every day(about 1.5 hours one way).  When we last spoke, he had changed his mind and would be spending a couple of nights here.  That’s not a big deal, but I don’t want to put him on the crappy mattress in the guest room, so I will be giving up my bed.  That means I need to make sure all of my toys and other bedroom fun items are securely put away.  There’s so much to hide….

I also mentioned in my last post that the Fish was unavailable last weekend, and I will obviously be unavailable this weekend.  So we compromised and he came over yesterday.  I impatiently asked him when he would be here and he told me after softball practice, a shower, and dinner.  So I waited around, ready for the release that I knew would soon be happening.

He arrived and immediately pulled me into my bedroom.  He grabbed me and started kissing me, almost immediately reaching down to pull off my dress.  We both ended up naked pretty quickly.  He started fingering me.  He’s pretty talented at getting me off with his fingers, but we had issues.  It burned.  I didn’t want to say anything to ruin the passion in the moment, but I needed his fiery fingers away from me, so I just said, ” I need you inside of me right now.”  Those seemed to be the magic words to get his hands away from my lady bits and his nice, hard cock inside of me instead.  As he hadn’t had release in several days, he came pretty quickly.  As soon as he came, I looked at him and said, “Look, please don’t think I’m crazy.  I know this is a strange question, but did you cut jalapenos tonight?”  To which his response was, “Yes, but I washed my hands!”

“It doesn’t matter that you washed your hands!!”

Luckily, the burning sensation went away after about 20-30 minutes.  I’m also lucky that he washed his hands.  I can only imagine what that feels like if he didn’t.  I never want to find out.  So valuable lesson kids, if you plan on having sex soon, don’t dice up jalapenos.  Or wear gloves if it’s an absolutely necessary ingredient.


All Mixed Up

Published May 29, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

I’m officially on summer vacation!  As always in my life, it couldn’t be that simple.  On the eve of the last day of school, we had a pretty rough storm come through.  I’ve never heard sounds from the weather like I heard that night. I took the dogs in the closet and stayed there until the sounds died down and the electricity went out.  I was eventually able to fall asleep, but I woke up to quite the mess.  The storm had blown my back door open, it had taken out lots of tree limbs and branches, and large parts of my fence.  Having two large dogs means that having a fenced in yard is a must.  I went to school that last day with my head in a spin.  I went home that night and with the help of the roommate, H, and the Unicorn, we cleared the debris.  Two days later, Glen and H came over to help rebuild the fence.

I avoided The Fish that weekend for the most part.  I was anxious and all of my focus was on repairing the fence.  I finally saw him on Sunday night and we had some…technical difficulties.  I wasn’t really into it.  I was thinking I wasn’t really into him.  I had a “What the hell am I doing here?” moment.  It passed a couple of days later and I told him I wanted to see him.  He told me he had friends visiting this weekend, so it would have to wait.  I decided to lay low on texting him this weekend because I didn’t want to take his time from his friends, but on Friday night, the following exchange happened:

F: Fuck me. I’m totally screwed

Me: why?

F: The only good girls on this trip either know me too well or are into the hotter guy.  Sorry, you don’t want to hear that I bet.  It’s just frustrating

Me: It’s okay. You can talk to me about it

F: Ewww

Me: Ewww?

F: It just ruins the confidence.  But yeah.  Haha.  That’s not your responsibility.

Me:  Be confident anyways.  You can get what you want if you try.

F: Meh I guess I don’t care enough

Me: You do or you wouldn’t have said something

F: Shush. I don’t need that

Me: I’m trying to help you!

F: Don’t believe you

Me: Why not? I’m always trying to be helpful

F: I think you’re selfish

Me: Why?

F: hahahahahaha Why do you think?

Me: Because I’m trying to help you find other women for your own pleasure and that makes me selfish?

F: I guess that was mean of me to say. I’m sorry.  Sometimes I need my ego helped.

That was essentially the end of the conversation because his battery died.  I felt like I was fucked no matter how I acted in that conversation.  He didn’t want me to tell him it was okay to be with other women, but I know that if I told him I was jealous, that would not have gone over well either.  I thought I chose the lesser of the two evils.

This morning we texted a bit and he told me he wanted me and he hasn’t been able to have a release because of the friend staying at his place.  He had been vague with the gender all week, but he said she this morning.  So then this happened:

Me: Is she sleeping in your bed?

F: No. But what if she needs something and comes in? And my cock is in my hand?? That’s not good.

Me:  I mean, that’s how most porns start.  But you almost made that twitch of jealousy appear when I thought she was sleeping in your bed.

F: I mean we did sleep in the same bed in New Orleans…

Me: You are not supposed to try to make me jealous, but it’s working.  I don’t like this feeling.

F: Oh. Sorry.  If it makes you feel any better I passed out immediately haha

Me:  Slightly.  I know I played it cool the other night, but the truth is you can obviously sleep with whoever you want, but I don’t want to hear about it, it does make me jealous.

F: I’m not a random sleep around guy.  I want the attention but can’t follow through with any act.  And I apologize for being a dick and bringing it up the other night.

Me:  It’s fine.  I felt like I was fucked in the situation.  My encouraging you to go after other women is not what you wanted to hear, but I felt like saying I was jealous was not nice either.

F: Moving on….

What the fuck? He left me scratching my head.  Our arrangement is not supposed to be complicated at all.  I don’t see him outside of my bedroom.  I need him to get his shit together.

There’s a couple of other things of interest.

First is the Unicorn.  He helped get the yard cleared after the storm.  He offered to help after seeing my pictures on snapchat.  It was really nice of him.  Last night I sent him a text to see if he wanted to hangout because my roommate was out of town and I was going a little stir crazy.  He came over and we talked for a good while.  He confided in me that he’s been having severe anxiety and he doesn’t know how to handle it.  I felt like I was able to offer him so helpful advice.  We then watched a movie sitting somewhat close on the sofa, but being careful as to never actually touch.  I don’t think we will ever hook up again, and I really don’t see him like I did before.  I still value his friendship though, and it was nice to have him here.

Lastly, a guy messaged me on OkC at the beginning of the week.  Let’s call him Coyote.  Coyote seemed slightly odd, but could carry on a pleasant text conversation.  He was decent looking.  We exchanged messages on OkC and he gave me his phone number.  We texted back and fourth through the week.  On Thursday night, he asked if he could call me.  I told him yes, but not at that moment because I was at H’s house.  He fell asleep before I got home.  On Friday, we texted a bit through the day, but not as much as usual.  On Friday night, he again asked if he could call.  He called and it was weird.  He was either really drunk/and or really high and maybe mixed with some kind of nervousness.  He was reminding me of Bryan.  I was uncomfortable and we didn’t talk for long.  At about 7:30 Saturday morning, he again asked if he could call.  Who the hell wants to call that early.  I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt about the night before and let him call.  The first 15 ish minutes were okay-ish, but then he seemed to get high again.  It was very unpleasant.  He mentioned either me going to his place or him coming to mine.  It was kind of creepy.  I finally made up the excuse that I was going to  the gym, we hung up and I went back to sleep.  I woke up about two hours later to three texts and four missed calls from him.  One of them just said oops.  So I responded “oops?”  And he replied with oops let’s have sex oops.  Nope.  He continued to try to text me. I was mostly ignoring him.  At one point he told me “Call me now”. No.  I finally ignored him and got 😦 a couple of hours later.  I was legitimately scared that he was some kind of creepy stalker type and that he may just show up at my house.  That was part of the reason that I invited Unicorn to come over.  Luckily he seems to have disappeared.

Hopefully this week is far less eventful, but it probably won’t be.  My dad is coming to visit.  I haven’t seen him in a year and a half and he hasn’t been in my house in two years.  I’ve been stressed out in preparation for the visit.  I need to lost 100 pounds, get married, and have some kids by Friday. No big deal.