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Crying in the Car

Published November 18, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

After last weekend, I did some thinking. The Fish went to a party instead of coming to see me when I was sick.  It was time to see where we were and where we are going.  It’s been eight months, we were long overdue for the conversation.

I couldn’t handle doing it face to face, so I sent him a long text Monday afternoon.

I know you’re busy tonight, but you’re always busy and there will never be a good time.  I know that you probably have no idea, but next week will make 8 months since our first date.  I have never let any man go this long without committing to me or me shutting him out.  You’re special. You check off all of the things on the list.  I thought waiting would make you come around to wanting a relationship with me. This has become too much for me to handle. Do you ever think you could see yourself with me? Or do you just see us going on exactly like this forever until Mrs. Right suddenly appears? I can’t be your place holder for the next girl anymore. It’s starting to hurt entirely too much. I love you more than you know, but I can’t even continue to be friends with you if you don’t ever plan on loving me.

His response was that he wanted to see me.  I was at H and C’s house, so he met me there and talked to me outside.  We both shed some tears.  He says he’s felt love before and this isn’t what it felt like.  We want to be friends, but I need time to heal before we can really have that friendship.  So for now it’s going to be silent.  I haven’t really cried.  I shed a few tears with him that night, but other than that, I’ve been okay.

This week has been long.  There were lots of things going on at work, and it’s the week before Thanksgiving break.  I was nominated for an award that required a vote from the whole staff.  I was very excited about it, and thought I was going to win.  I found out this morning that I made second place.  It was an honor to get that far, but it sucked that I didn’t win.  I almost melted down at work with everything going on, but I cried some silent tears and went on with my day.

It all came out in the car on the way home.  I always seem to have this happen in the car.  I’m going into a week long vacation from work in a crappy apartment that is falling apart, no family to see, no Fish, and my best friends absent part of the week.  I feel so terribly alone.  So lost.  So insignificant.

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Mixed Signals

Published October 16, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

In the last seven months, I don’t feel like I’ve gotten any better at reading The Fish.  I think a large part of the problem is he really doesn’t know what he wants.  Or I don’t fit into his plans right now.  It’s quite obvious he cares about me, or he wouldn’t have kept me around for this long.  I also know he’s not seeing/or sleeping with anyone else.   So we are in this strange monogamous friends with benefits-ship.

Friday night, I hung out with H, C, and Glen.  We did dinner and a scary movie, then I went to the Fish’s apartment.  Earlier in the afternoon, I asked him if I was going to see him that night and he got all bent out of shape about it.  First, he told me that the way I asked him made him feel guilted into it.  Then he told me that he needed to see some of his other friends sometimes.  I told him I was sorry he felt that way about the way I asked, and I would be more aware of my phrasing in the future.  He then told me he was frustrated with something else and sorry he took it out on me.  While I was with H, C, and Glen, he told me he could use some company.  He really does make my head spin.  I went over around 11.  We caught up on a show that we’ve been watching, had a drink or two, and had really good sex.  I spent the night and slipped out early the next morning to go take care of the pups.

On Saturday, I told him I was trying to find a way to stream some football, because I’ve decided to cut the cord.  He told me I could go over and watch with him that night.  He’d been at a pool party all day drinking, so he was feeling rough by the time I saw him.  He laid in my lap for the duration of the game while I stroked his hair and rubbed his back.  There was no sex are anything, and I left when the game was over.  While I was driving home, I received this message from him, “Hey Daisy.  Hope you got home safe.  I really appreciate you watching the game with me and making me feel better when I wasn’t feeling so great.  It means a lot, and I think I’m too sarcastic in person for the full appreciation to come out.  So for real, thank you so much.”  I’m not going to lie, I teared up a bit when reading that.  That was the closest to emotional he’s ever gotten with me.

Then today, I was really horny.  So I started texting him that I wanted to lay in bed with him all day and play.  He told me he wasn’t feeling well still, but I should play with myself.  I told him it just wasn’t the same as him.  He then said  “I bet there are other guys who have a better cock than me that would be even more fun.”

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

I told him I didn’t like when said things like that.  He apologized and promised not to do it again.  I don’t know if he was fishing for a compliment, but let us not forget what happened the last time I said something like that.

And the truth of the matter is there is always other guys.  I’ve had The Beast sending me messages almost daily.  If I wanted something right now, I could easily get it.  But I don’t.  All I want is The Fish.

I’ll see him again tomorrow because he asked me to pick him up from dropping off his car for repairs.  I was oddly happy that he asked me to do that, because it made me feel like he needed me.

I just wish he could be more open and honest.

Here Comes The Flood

Published August 14, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

It has only been one week since I wrote last, but it feels like years have passed between then and now.  I’m pretty sure I’ve aged a bit in this time.

Wednesday started the school year with students for me.  It was a stressful start because I am teaching three preps this year.  I also scheduled to take a certification test for another subject area Thursday evening, so I was stressed with studying.  I made it through both days, and passed my test!  The Fish told me I should go to his place to celebrate passing the test(he’d also helped me study a bit).  This was a HUGE deal because in the five months I’ve known him, he never even told me where he lived.

It started to rain on my way home from the test Thursday night.  I thought nothing of it, I’ve lived in Louisiana all of my life, that’s what happens here.  I carried my pretty pink polka dot umbrella and went on with my life.  I went to the Fish’s place around 8:30 Thursday evening.  We had a little fun, snuggled up on his sofa, and watched some TV.  Until the power went out at around 10:00.  I had to laugh as he lit candles around his apartment and we forced out conversation.  We were both a little tense and it was literally starting to get heated at that point, so I decided it was time for me to go home.  I was really worried that I wouldn’t be able to get out the gate at the complex, but it was fine.  We joked that I would have to call in to work in the morning “stuck at this dude’s place”.  I got home and went to sleep around midnight, ready for my five am Friday morning.

I woke up Friday morning to the sound of rain.  That was a little odd, but no cause for concern.  I noticed that a nearby school district had cancelled classes for the day, but we still had school.  I got myself ready and to the school around 6:15.  It was raining sideways, so I was still soaking wet, even with an umbrella.  There weren’t many people there and I was starting to hear that we were short staffed because some people couldn’t make it to school with the weather.  Shortly after, they cancelled school in our district.  We laughed it off, wondering why they would do that.  I went to breakfast with some coworkers, then spent most of the day on H‘s sofa.  I went home, took a nap, and watched the rain continue to fall.

That’s when it started to happen.  This is a bit more than a normal summer rain.  It just wasn’t letting up.  I went to bed thinking I was going to stay in and have a quiet weekend.

I woke up Saturday morning and it was still raining.  Roads were starting to close, and news reports were coming in of record flooding.  They talked about rivers cresting at really high levels.  Unprecedented was the word being used repeatedly.  I started to be a little concerned and tried to convince the Fish to come spend the day with me to pass the time.  He seemed to be entertaining the idea.  I decided to run to the store for some essentials in the event I lost electricity.

There was water in my street.  No big deal, right?  Wrong.  Water has never accumulated in my street.  And my house is built up quite a ways, so the water in the street was a little deep.  It wasn’t quite to the sidewalk yet, so I could make it out.  I was starting to be a little concerned and trying to formulate an escape plan just in case.  I got back to the house less than an hour later, and the water was up past the sidewalk.  I knew that if I was going to get out at that point, it needed to be then.

I went into a frenzy of packing a suitcase and essentials for me and the dogs.  I had to find a place to go that wasn’t in danger of flooding and was willing to take the dogs in as well(they each weigh 75 pounds, so most people and places don’t want to deal with that).  I called an aunt in my home town, and she told me to come on.  All of my friends basically laughed at me, thinking I was overreacting.  I told them I would rather be safe than sorry.  I packed up the car and made the two hour drive south.

That was a little over 24 hours ago.  The last update I received from my next door neighbor was at 5:30 this morning.  The water was to our doors and he was being rescued by boat.  I’ve seen some pictures and videos from our neighborhood, and my best estimate is that there is at least 2-3 feet of water in my house.

Many people I know are in the same situation, some even worse.  Some are trapped in their homes. I am safe and dry, but I know it will be a long road ahead.  I’m ready to get home to assess the damage and get things repaired.  I know it’s just stuff, but I am heartbroken, and I feel alone right now.  I just want someone to sit with.  Someone to hold my hand.

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One of the pups finally getting some peaceful sleep after a rough few days.

 

Sweet Kisses

Published August 6, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

This summer has absolutely flown by.  I started back to work this week, and it was perfect timing because it keeps me busy and gets me back to a routine that I have been craving.  I’ve been mulling over a few things lately, and it was time to get them written down.

First, there is H and C.  I’ve been cautious about writing about them previously for their protection.  They are actually quite important to me.  I don’t have a large number of friends here, and I don’t have any family here, so they are my rocks.  Especially H.  C may possibly be taking a job outside of our state, and of course H would be going as well. I’ve tried to just listen to H talk about it, as I know he isn’t thrilled with the idea, but he loves C and would do anything to make things work.  I actually really admire their relationship.  Needless to say, I don’t want them to move.  Thinking about staying here without them here feels so empty.  We’ve half joked/half seriously discussed me moving as well.  I never intended on staying where I am, but I don’t really care for the place they are going either. I also can’t financially move as soon as they can, it will take me a couple of years before I feel like that is a financially sound idea.   Time will tell what happens there, and I’m just trying not to think about it.

That brings me to my next point, The Fish.  I know, it’s all I’ve written about for the last four months.  This has lasted much longer than I expected, and I don’t really see the end of it in sight.  As a followup to my last post, we went out for drinks and had a really nice time that night, but he did end up coming home with me.  It was great.  We’ve kept up our routine of seeing each other once a week and constantly talking between.  I’ve all but stopped initiating conversations with him, but I still hear from him every day.  He knows about H and how I feel about that, and he’s tried to stay a positive outlet for me.

Fish came over last night.  We’ve been watching a show together.  We got into bed and watched our show, while he had a nice whiskey.  We barely made it through fifteen minutes of show before we just decided to pause it and talk.  We talked for a really long time.  Catching up, deep conversations, stories, a little bit of everything.  The last two times I’ve seen him, he’s seemed to loosen up a bit with me.  Last weekend he was very silly and playful and it was looking like this may be the same last night.  We eventually went back to the show.  We had a little bit of fun between.  We’d pause it, talk, play, go back.  It was lovely.

Now here is something that I don’t know if I’ve explicitly stated here.  After all of the feelings talk mess we had, he’s stopped kissing me.  It’s weird.  I was very unhappy the first time it happened, but I know he thinks that’s helping to protect both of us from the feelings monster.  Sometimes I will tilt my head towards him and he smoothly pulls away.

Last night, in the show we were watching, one of the characters picks her chin up in preparation for a kiss, and the male character just turns around and walks away.  She gets pissy with him, and he has no clue why.  I laughed and remarked if he would have just kissed her, he could have just avoided all of that trouble.  The Fish asked if I thought that was really what caused it.  I said of course it is, I would know, because you do that shit all the time.  He practically jumped over me to grab the remote to pause the show and told me we were going to talk.

Fuck.  Did I really let those words past the filter?

So I turned to face him and explained myself.  I would also like to point out that he had been drinking and I had not.  I told him that over the last month or longer, he hasn’t been kissing me.  I told him that he came close a couple of times, but I could see the wheels spinning in his head and could tell he felt conflicted, so it was fine because I didn’t want to cross any of his boundaries.  He told me that he felt bad about it, and that he realized he had been doing it about two weeks ago and it made him uncomfortable that we had been having sex but not kissing.  He held me during this whole, very tough conversation.  He held my hand and caressed it.  We talked about things.  He was having a very difficult time expressing himself, and I think I may know what he was trying to say, but I’m not sure.  I don’t want to put words in his mouth.  He told me that this relationship was already so complicated and he didn’t want to make it any more so.  I felt love from him last night.  He was so tender, caring, and careful during this whole thing.  After we discussed things at length, he tilted my chin towards him and kissed me so sweetly while rubbing his thumb on my cheek.

Somehow that conversation also went to talking about H and C and I finally cried and got it out.  He continued to hold me and comfort me.  There was more play and watching the show the rest of the night, but there was a tender affection that had been missing for a long time.

I’m trying to keep telling myself that this is just temporary, but I can’t help but realize how amazing he really is.  I don’t want to let him go.  I think I may love him.  And I really shouldn’t.

 

Tell me everything is okay

Published July 14, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

The last week and a half has been a weepy time.

The last thing I wrote about was the July 4th party I attended on July 3rd.  I was surrounded by pretty, paired off people.  It took a huge toll on my self-esteem.

I cried for at least three hours straight on the morning of the 4th.  I cried for so many reasons, many of which I couldn’t articulate even if I tried.  I finally dragged myself out of bed and went to the gym with H and Glen.  My eyes were swollen, I was pissy and short, and I just didn’t want to talk.  Both asked me separately if I was okay.  I was honest and said no, but I also didn’t want to talk about it.  H pushed again through text once I was home and I was able to get a little of it out.  He’s honestly been amazing as always at keeping a perfect distance during this time.  I think it’s also because it’s a perfect distance for him as well.  Glen came home with me after the gym and we grilled some food and I consumed a good bit of alcohol.  I thought that would be the end of that.

It hasn’t been.  I’ve cried almost every day since then. I’ve been a bitch to many people around me, purposely pushing them away.  I want to be alone.  And at the very same time, I don’t want to be alone.

I was finally able to sort of put words to my issues in a text to AJ after I completely ignored him for a weekend.

It’s the unsettling loneliness coupled with feeling disposable to anyone I care about.  And feeling stagnant and stuck in a place I never wanted to be in the first place.  I’ve cried everyday for almost a week straight.  I make myself get up and leave the house and not stay in bed all day and it doesn’t help.  Nothing helps.  I’ve been a bitch to everyone around me.  I can’t see and end in sight.

I think one of the main issues at play may be the Fish.  I am not one of his priorities and he makes that very clear.  I don’t quite understand the way he thinks.  He obviously cares and values me outside of sex as he talks to me about personal things.  He is just completely detached from me at the same time.  I want more and I obviously am not going to get it.  He knows that something has been off and he has offered his help, but I think the only help he could possibly give me right now is to let me go. I’m not ready for that yet.  It’s going to hurt like hell.

I miss the relationship I used to have with the Unicorn.  I miss having someone to go do things with: hiking, the zoo, random adventures.  I miss having someone to talk to like that.

I have been still active on reddit, Okcupid, tinder, and bumble.  I’ve come to appreciate bumble a bit more.  I’ve met a guy there that I will hopefully meet up with soon.  We’ve been texting almost two weeks now.  He’s sweet.  I don’t want to get my hopes up right now though.

I put an ad on r4r on reddit last week.  I got a few responses and one stuck out.  We exchanged texts and even a nearly two hour phone call.  It was great, then he implied I was a slut(actually using the word slut).  I can’t stand for that.  That had me sour for a couple of days on its own.

So what am I doing to help all of these things?  I am communicating with multiple men as to not put all my eggs in one basket.  I registered for a test to get certified to teach another subject to beef up my resume.  I’ve been keeping as busy as possible.  I started a crochet blanket.  I’ve been preparing for the new school year.

I still feel empty.  I’m missing something.