All posts tagged heartbreak

Crying in the Car

Published November 18, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

After last weekend, I did some thinking. The Fish went to a party instead of coming to see me when I was sick.  It was time to see where we were and where we are going.  It’s been eight months, we were long overdue for the conversation.

I couldn’t handle doing it face to face, so I sent him a long text Monday afternoon.

I know you’re busy tonight, but you’re always busy and there will never be a good time.  I know that you probably have no idea, but next week will make 8 months since our first date.  I have never let any man go this long without committing to me or me shutting him out.  You’re special. You check off all of the things on the list.  I thought waiting would make you come around to wanting a relationship with me. This has become too much for me to handle. Do you ever think you could see yourself with me? Or do you just see us going on exactly like this forever until Mrs. Right suddenly appears? I can’t be your place holder for the next girl anymore. It’s starting to hurt entirely too much. I love you more than you know, but I can’t even continue to be friends with you if you don’t ever plan on loving me.

His response was that he wanted to see me.  I was at H and C’s house, so he met me there and talked to me outside.  We both shed some tears.  He says he’s felt love before and this isn’t what it felt like.  We want to be friends, but I need time to heal before we can really have that friendship.  So for now it’s going to be silent.  I haven’t really cried.  I shed a few tears with him that night, but other than that, I’ve been okay.

This week has been long.  There were lots of things going on at work, and it’s the week before Thanksgiving break.  I was nominated for an award that required a vote from the whole staff.  I was very excited about it, and thought I was going to win.  I found out this morning that I made second place.  It was an honor to get that far, but it sucked that I didn’t win.  I almost melted down at work with everything going on, but I cried some silent tears and went on with my day.

It all came out in the car on the way home.  I always seem to have this happen in the car.  I’m going into a week long vacation from work in a crappy apartment that is falling apart, no family to see, no Fish, and my best friends absent part of the week.  I feel so terribly alone.  So lost.  So insignificant.


Where I Stand

Published July 4, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

It has been a whirlwind for the last few weeks.  I’ve been meaning to write, but I’ve also been avoiding it.

Let’s update on The Fish, first.  We’ve settled into a bit of a routine.  He comes over, we snuggle, watch a movie, have a drink, have sex, half the time he spends the night, wash, rinse, repeat.  The feelings I have for him have grown over the last 3-4 months that we’ve been doing this.  We talk every single day.  I’ve tested it by not messaging first, and he still finds time to talk to me.

About two weeks ago, we forced out a feelings talk.  It started because I told him it was cute how affectionate he gets when he’s falling asleep.  That turned into him saying  he wished he could be more affectionate with me, but he didn’t want to lead me on.  I told him I was falling.  He said that he had romantic feelings for me, but it wasn’t love and he didn’t think it was enough to sustain a relationship.  I understood, because I don’t think it’s enough to sustain a relationship either, but I don’t want what we have to stop.  I’ve seen him three times since then.  The first was a little awkward, but we are back to being exactly as we were.

The second time was to keep me calm as I was flying out early the following morning for a work conference.  I’m terrible with flying and I was a nervous mess.  He definitely helped to take the edge off of things.

The trip itself was very stressful… I was with eight coworkers and the rest of them were in some way on the administrative team. I was the only peon there.  Every minute of every day was planned for us.  Oh, and my family met up with me there as well.  It was overwhelming and I am so happy to be home.

In the midst of this, I found myself back on Facebook. And tinder.  And we are trying out bumble.  There is nothing really of interest yet.  And I am not ready to give up the Fish, but I don’t think he will take to me seeing others too well.  He still hasn’t signed into OkC since April 15.

I went to a party today.  I didn’t know that many people there, but the people I did know were all happily paired off.  One of them is very happy in a new relationship.  It made me crave that.  I want to feel like that again.  Seeing them all and talking to them really makes me think that I’ve never really had a healthy relationship.

Another thing happened at this party. It was all pretty, healthy, fit people.  I felt so far on the outside.  I’ve still been in the gym several times a week, but I really need to get more serious about reaching my goals.  I’ve got one month left before school starts back up and I really want to be below a certain weight by then.  It’s doable, but it’s going to take dedication from here on out.

I’m up far past my bedtime tonight.  This is the first summer night that I’ve had too much on my mind to sleep.  This is so much better than last summer, but tonight also needs to be the last night this summer that keeps me awake.