After last weekend, I did some thinking. The Fish went to a party instead of coming to see me when I was sick. It was time to see where we were and where we are going. It’s been eight months, we were long overdue for the conversation.
I couldn’t handle doing it face to face, so I sent him a long text Monday afternoon.
I know you’re busy tonight, but you’re always busy and there will never be a good time. I know that you probably have no idea, but next week will make 8 months since our first date. I have never let any man go this long without committing to me or me shutting him out. You’re special. You check off all of the things on the list. I thought waiting would make you come around to wanting a relationship with me. This has become too much for me to handle. Do you ever think you could see yourself with me? Or do you just see us going on exactly like this forever until Mrs. Right suddenly appears? I can’t be your place holder for the next girl anymore. It’s starting to hurt entirely too much. I love you more than you know, but I can’t even continue to be friends with you if you don’t ever plan on loving me.
His response was that he wanted to see me. I was at H and C’s house, so he met me there and talked to me outside. We both shed some tears. He says he’s felt love before and this isn’t what it felt like. We want to be friends, but I need time to heal before we can really have that friendship. So for now it’s going to be silent. I haven’t really cried. I shed a few tears with him that night, but other than that, I’ve been okay.
This week has been long. There were lots of things going on at work, and it’s the week before Thanksgiving break. I was nominated for an award that required a vote from the whole staff. I was very excited about it, and thought I was going to win. I found out this morning that I made second place. It was an honor to get that far, but it sucked that I didn’t win. I almost melted down at work with everything going on, but I cried some silent tears and went on with my day.
It all came out in the car on the way home. I always seem to have this happen in the car. I’m going into a week long vacation from work in a crappy apartment that is falling apart, no family to see, no Fish, and my best friends absent part of the week. I feel so terribly alone. So lost. So insignificant.