hookups

All posts tagged hookups

Free Milk

Published October 13, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

It has been far too long between entries here.

After bouncing around a little, I was able to secure an apartment.  This means that I am currently paying a mortgage and rent.  It’s a decent place, but it’s difficult with two large dogs.  They need a backyard.  I’m ready to have my house back.  The house is currently the shell of what it once was.  There is a lot of red tape between insurance and the mortgage company, so I think this will be a long process.

Since I last wrote, another birthday has come and gone.  I was able to have a nice, small celebration with friends.  The Fish even came out with us.  He’s been very present in my life.  I’ve seen him at least once a week (but often more) since this started.  I spent almost my entire birthday weekend at his apartment.  For the most part, he seems okay with the increased time together.

It’s been nearly seven months since our first date.  I’ve been reflecting on how much things have evolved during this time.  It started with just sex, then some sleepovers, then maybe a drink and sex, the a drink and movie and sex.   There are times now that I see him and we don’t even have sex.  We watch football, youtube videos, old movies, and he taught me how to play chess.

I knew his birthday was sometime around my own, but he wouldn’t tell me when.  Apparently his birthday causes some kind of existential crisis.  I figured out that his birthday was yesterday with only a small amount of research.  I brought him a bottle of scotch and a small chocolate cake.  I couldn’t do a birthday card, because I didn’t want to send him running like a dog with its tail between its legs, so I stuck a post-it note on it instead that said, “Happy first day of hockey!”.

I’m still just playing this whole thing safe and waiting patiently.  H said that if it were him, he wouldn’t let me go.  I guess he doesn’t need to buy the cow when he’s getting the milk for free.  I still just can’t let this go.  I know he isn’t seeing anyone else, and neither am I.  This is the longest I’ve stuck with any one person since Ron.  This is the most patient I’ve ever been.  I want this to work.  I need this to work.  H is waiting for the ugly fallout.  I just don’t see it happening anytime soon.  I really do love him, and I know he feels something for me.

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Being Okay in the Silence

Published February 9, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

From time to time, I reply to personal ads on reddit in the r4r subreddit.  Today, I was home sick from work and just browsing what was out there.  A particular post struck a chord with me for reasons that I still can’t quite put my finger on.  We spoke for a little bit on reddit, moved it to text, and then it turned to a phone call.  In just the short conversation we had, I realized so much about myself.

Tears fell during that conversation.  I haven’t been able to cry lately. I still can’t make myself cry more than the few tears that happened, but dammit it was something.  First, you need to understand how unusual this has been that I haven’t cried.  I used to cry for everything. And anything.  All the time. Ron suffered from severe allergy problems and once yelled at me because I had used all of the kleenex.  I would cry when I was happy, I would cry when I was sad, I would cry when one of those ASPCA commercials came on, I would cry when I heard a song that reminded me of someone, I would cry when I saw a cardinal that reminded me of my grandmother.

Capture

I don’t cry anymore. And that’s been bugging me.

When the Unicorn ended things last week, there should have been so many tears, but I am so numb.

There was a lot crammed into our short conversation.  Here is what I did realize from what he said.  It’s time to date me for a little while. I’ve turned off OkCupid, FetLife, and Tinder.  I’m very seriously considering deleting kik.

I need to be okay in the silence.

I’ve been giving myself up too easily to all of these men and that makes me undesirable.  The Unicorn even told me yesterday that I needed to wait to have sex with someone when I meet them. It also shows that I don’t value myself enough.

So I think it’s time to start a new life of sorts. Time to date me. Time to not have sex.  Time to figure out who I am and what I want.

This is going to take a lot of patience and restraint on my part and it may make blogging boring for a bit.  I do think this is what needed to happen though.