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Fake it ’till you make it

Published April 22, 2017 by daisiesloveandpeace

I’ve meant to write so many times between December and now.  As of my last post, the silence between The Fish and I had ended and I had spent almost the entire weekend with him.  I’ve spent nearly every weekend with him since then.  There have been many really good weekends.  Alas, I’m cycling back to feeling like I can’t do this.  I feel like I’ve been trying to “fake it ’till we make it” and there is never going to be a making it here.  I’m just not ready to say goodbye.  I don’t understand why he has such a strong grip on me.  Maybe it’s because he really is such a good person, and he does care in some capacity.  Just not the same way that I care about him.  He’s been by my side through a lot of shit for the last year: losing my house, rebuilding my house, the death of a family member, friend drama, family drama, etc.  He’s been by my side the entire time.  I just don’t understand why he doesn’t appreciate what he has with me more.  I think I’m pretty awesome.  For some reason my drive to settle down and start having children has really kicked in as of recently and think that has a lot to do with my feeling like I need to pin him down or let him go.

Which brings me to my next thing.  I’m finally moved back home!!  It took about 8 months since my house received 19 inches of water to clean it out and rebuild, but I’m home!  The Fish played a huge part in getting the apartment all packed up and moving me home.  It was a long miserable time in a cramped little apartment, but now that I’m home, the house feels so big.  Too big.  I joked with the Fish about him moving in as my roommate because I can’t handle the quiet.  I had a roommate prior to the flood, but I don’t know that I’m ready to go that route again.  There’s something so liberating about being able to walk around in your underwear(or less) when you feel like it.  I think this is part of what is making me want children so badly right now.  I’m ready to fill my home.

Before I can even think about children, I’ve got to get my health and weight in check.  I found a doctor I like and I’m working him to get my thyroid levels somewhat normal.  I’ve also started really, truly caring about what I am putting into my body.  I’ve struggled with stress eating and binging, but I’ve made it about 40 days focusing on healthy eating and I’m down about 22 pounds.  It’s definitely a one day at a time thing as I have about 170ish pounds left to go.  I’ve got to stay focused this time.  Fish has played a large part in keeping me on track as well.  He’s focused on his health, so it’s something we are doing together.

That circles me back to the Fish.  He’s clearly very intertwined in my day to day life.  I feel like I need to start slowly backing away.

Last and certainly not least, the anniversary of Ron’s suicide is very soon.  Moving back into the house that we bought together has really brought up a lot of memories.  He’s been on my mind a lot lately, so it doesn’t help that that date is coming up.  I still miss him.  I’ve had quite a few moments lately where I laughed about something to myself and wanted to call or text him to share because he would be the only one to understand, but then reality hits me like a ton of bricks.

One more good thing before I close this out:  I’ve been accepted into grad school.  I start in the fall and that may be what I need to really get myself out of the rut I feel.

I’m trying really damn hard to make myself be happy right now.  Going to fake it ’till I make it.

The Never Ending Story

Published December 18, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

Thanksgiving break was depressing.  I had very little contact with The Fish which is what we agreed upon.  It sucked going from having a very level headed person who is an outsider to work and my circle of friends to talk to every day to silence.  His silence was partially to protect me, and partially to pull himself away from the situation and give himself a chance to move on.  I really didn’t understand why he needed a chance to move on when he wasn’t invested.

The week after Thanksgiving was a very trying week at work.  I was also having a hard time getting things straightened out between insurance, contractors, mortgage company, etc. and there felt like no end in sight.  On Saturday, I had a complete and total meltdown.  I called my parents(which I really don’t do), and cried about The Fish, work, the house, and just life in general.  I had hit rock bottom.  I wanted to see them for Christmas, but financially, it just isn’t going to happen.  I decided to focus that energy into something, and went out and bought an acoustic guitar.  I’ve always wanted to learn, so I thought this weird, quiet time in my life was a good time for it.  I started to make peace with the idea that contact with The Fish was going to be very limited if at all.

Sunday morning, I woke up to a text The Fish had sent in the middle of the night.  It simply said, “I’m having bad thoughts”.  After Ron, I really don’t play around with things said like that.  It took some prodding, but The Fish opened up to me about how alone he felt.  Essentially my melt down, just a day later.  We decided we can’t not be friends, so that officially broke the silence and we went back to speaking on a regular daily basis.

Last Friday, I went out with Glen to have some drinks downtown.  I knew The Fish was at a Christmas party, and we texted through the night while we were out.  I made a joke that he should come down and dance with me.  He told me he didn’t know how.  I suggested giving him private dance lessons in his living room.  And that, my friends, is how I ended back up in the presence of the Fish.  I went to his apartment after his party was over and I was done drinking with Glen.  He told me to put on some music and we actually did dance in his living room at three am.  We goofed around and laughed like we hadn’t done in a long time.  Things had become so serious and mundane before I broke things off.  I was constantly analyzing his every move before and not enjoying the moment.  This was different.  Dancing turned into a Backstreet Boys sing along.  And somehow Backstreet Boys led to sex.  Very passionate sex.  He kissed me a lot(remember he stopped kissing me months ago).  We had sex, then cuddle and fell asleep.  He woke me up the next morning with more sex.  I soaked it all in because I figured once he was sober and awake, he would realize he’d made a huge mistake and pull away.

Boy was I wrong. We talked through text all day Saturday.  He was flirty.  Saturday night, again I went out and he had a party.  We met back up at his place after.  He was far too drunk to have sex which really was a first.  We still had a good time, cuddles, and a sleepover.  I snuck out early the next morning because I had things to take care of, but he when he woke up, he sent me a text regretting I left because he wanted to make up for the no sex the night before.

On Monday, I was back at his place.  There was no sex, but I did rewrite his OkCupid profile for him.  It was very oddly cathartic.

Thursday was a rough day for me, and he invited me over that night to relax.  We just sat around and talked and watched football.  Blow job, but no sex.

Friday night, we tried to make things work, but I was tired and didn’t feel well so I went to sleep.

On Saturday(yesterday), I knew he had another party and I was worried about some of the times he has chosen to drive lately.  I told him if he needed a ride to let me know and I would gladly come get him.  Around 1am, he called and asked if I would come get him and also spend the night.  I was sound asleep, but I woke myself up and drove out to get him.  He was very appreciative of what I was doing.  On the way to his place, he held my hand while caressing it with his thumb.  Again, it was goofy and laid back when we got to his place.  We had really great sex(which is pretty normal for him).  We decided to go to bed, and cuddle some more before falling asleep.

We woke up this morning and he initiated sex again.  I know this is the last time I’ll see him for a couple of weeks while he is out of town for the holiday, so I enjoyed every second.  I brought him to his car and came home.

I know where he stands.  I know he doesn’t see himself with me long term.  He knows I love him.  There’s no more questioning in anything.  I know this may not be the smartest thing to continue like we are, but I am really not ready to be without him in any capacity.

A completely honest dating profile

Published November 20, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

As the Fish‘s chapter comes to a close, I am trying to jump back into OkCupid.  I completely deleted all of my dating accounts a few months ago, so I am starting from scratch.  H asked me what I am looking for this time, sex or a relationship.  This is the first time I have honestly been able to say that I am only looking for a relationship.  My standard answer is normally something about I’m open to whatever happens.  I’m not open anymore.  I’m ready for something real.  I don’t want to waste my time with short flings.

I opened an OKC account, but I haven’t written anything yet.  I don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind.  If I wrote it right now, it would look something like this:

  • You must love dogs.  Especially large, slightly out of control dogs.  I’m not a dog trainer and sometimes my dogs have bad manners.
  • I recently lost most of my belongings in the flood.  I don’t feel like my life will ever be back in order.
  • You must be smarter than I am.  If you aren’t at least equally as smart, I will likely manipulate you until I get bored with you and move on.
  • I’m overweight despite all of my attempts to remedy it.  I’m fighting an uphill battle between my thyroid and PCOS.  Breaking my neck seemed to have an effect as well.
  • Speaking of PCOS, I have to shave my face everyday because I can grow just as much facial hair as you.  My hair on top of my head is falling out.  I have dark patches of skin.  There’s a fair chance I wont be able to reproduce, especially not without help.
  • Most of my closest friends are men.
  • I teach and I spend a lot of time at work or doing work from home.
  • I don’t have much of a social life, but I’m content with a low key lifestyle
  • I watch sports with friends, but I’m not as into it as others
  • I have a lot of anxiety.  You will not be allowed to drive me anywhere for at least the first six months.
  • I’m also a control freak
  • I don’t care much for movies, so I likely wont get any of your references.
  • I’m divorced and he took his own life shortly after the legal stuff was done.
  • I come from a unique, broken home.
  • I’ve probably slept with more men than you’ll be comfortable with.
  • I fall hard and quickly.  I’ll love you more than you ever knew you could be loved.  I’ll always be there to take care of you, knowing you better than you know yourself.

 

Crying in the Car

Published November 18, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

After last weekend, I did some thinking. The Fish went to a party instead of coming to see me when I was sick.  It was time to see where we were and where we are going.  It’s been eight months, we were long overdue for the conversation.

I couldn’t handle doing it face to face, so I sent him a long text Monday afternoon.

I know you’re busy tonight, but you’re always busy and there will never be a good time.  I know that you probably have no idea, but next week will make 8 months since our first date.  I have never let any man go this long without committing to me or me shutting him out.  You’re special. You check off all of the things on the list.  I thought waiting would make you come around to wanting a relationship with me. This has become too much for me to handle. Do you ever think you could see yourself with me? Or do you just see us going on exactly like this forever until Mrs. Right suddenly appears? I can’t be your place holder for the next girl anymore. It’s starting to hurt entirely too much. I love you more than you know, but I can’t even continue to be friends with you if you don’t ever plan on loving me.

His response was that he wanted to see me.  I was at H and C’s house, so he met me there and talked to me outside.  We both shed some tears.  He says he’s felt love before and this isn’t what it felt like.  We want to be friends, but I need time to heal before we can really have that friendship.  So for now it’s going to be silent.  I haven’t really cried.  I shed a few tears with him that night, but other than that, I’ve been okay.

This week has been long.  There were lots of things going on at work, and it’s the week before Thanksgiving break.  I was nominated for an award that required a vote from the whole staff.  I was very excited about it, and thought I was going to win.  I found out this morning that I made second place.  It was an honor to get that far, but it sucked that I didn’t win.  I almost melted down at work with everything going on, but I cried some silent tears and went on with my day.

It all came out in the car on the way home.  I always seem to have this happen in the car.  I’m going into a week long vacation from work in a crappy apartment that is falling apart, no family to see, no Fish, and my best friends absent part of the week.  I feel so terribly alone.  So lost.  So insignificant.

Winter is Coming

Published November 13, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

The weather here is finally starting to get ever so slightly cooler.  This time of year always seems to make you want to be paired off.  I think it’s some combination of the cooler weather and the holidays.  The need to be in a loving, committed relationship has been strong over the last week.  I’ve been feeling pretty under the weather and overwhelmed between work and hopefully finally starting the rebuilding process on my house.

I’ve been needy.  Very needy.  And I don’t feel like my needs are being met.

The Fish has been flip flopping as much as ever.  He goes from being very caring, and attentive to absent and cold hearted.

Both the Beast and Sam have been very active through snapchat.  They make me feel wanted in ways The Fish has fallen short on lately.

I’m ready to have someone to come home to, someone to take care of, and someone to take care of me.  I’m ready to start a family.

I was supposed to see The Fish last night but I was feeling too under the weather to travel to him and he refused to travel to me.  It hurt.  A lot.

Today, I downloaded bumble again.  I swiped left 10 times and thought that none of these guys would live up to The Fish, then deleted my account and the app.

We’ve been so stagnant and I’ve been accepting of it and patient, but I’m starting to feel restless.  It’s been eight months.  I want to know how this story ends.  But I still hope that it never does.

Mixed Signals

Published October 16, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

In the last seven months, I don’t feel like I’ve gotten any better at reading The Fish.  I think a large part of the problem is he really doesn’t know what he wants.  Or I don’t fit into his plans right now.  It’s quite obvious he cares about me, or he wouldn’t have kept me around for this long.  I also know he’s not seeing/or sleeping with anyone else.   So we are in this strange monogamous friends with benefits-ship.

Friday night, I hung out with H, C, and Glen.  We did dinner and a scary movie, then I went to the Fish’s apartment.  Earlier in the afternoon, I asked him if I was going to see him that night and he got all bent out of shape about it.  First, he told me that the way I asked him made him feel guilted into it.  Then he told me that he needed to see some of his other friends sometimes.  I told him I was sorry he felt that way about the way I asked, and I would be more aware of my phrasing in the future.  He then told me he was frustrated with something else and sorry he took it out on me.  While I was with H, C, and Glen, he told me he could use some company.  He really does make my head spin.  I went over around 11.  We caught up on a show that we’ve been watching, had a drink or two, and had really good sex.  I spent the night and slipped out early the next morning to go take care of the pups.

On Saturday, I told him I was trying to find a way to stream some football, because I’ve decided to cut the cord.  He told me I could go over and watch with him that night.  He’d been at a pool party all day drinking, so he was feeling rough by the time I saw him.  He laid in my lap for the duration of the game while I stroked his hair and rubbed his back.  There was no sex are anything, and I left when the game was over.  While I was driving home, I received this message from him, “Hey Daisy.  Hope you got home safe.  I really appreciate you watching the game with me and making me feel better when I wasn’t feeling so great.  It means a lot, and I think I’m too sarcastic in person for the full appreciation to come out.  So for real, thank you so much.”  I’m not going to lie, I teared up a bit when reading that.  That was the closest to emotional he’s ever gotten with me.

Then today, I was really horny.  So I started texting him that I wanted to lay in bed with him all day and play.  He told me he wasn’t feeling well still, but I should play with myself.  I told him it just wasn’t the same as him.  He then said  “I bet there are other guys who have a better cock than me that would be even more fun.”

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

I told him I didn’t like when said things like that.  He apologized and promised not to do it again.  I don’t know if he was fishing for a compliment, but let us not forget what happened the last time I said something like that.

And the truth of the matter is there is always other guys.  I’ve had The Beast sending me messages almost daily.  If I wanted something right now, I could easily get it.  But I don’t.  All I want is The Fish.

I’ll see him again tomorrow because he asked me to pick him up from dropping off his car for repairs.  I was oddly happy that he asked me to do that, because it made me feel like he needed me.

I just wish he could be more open and honest.

Free Milk

Published October 13, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

It has been far too long between entries here.

After bouncing around a little, I was able to secure an apartment.  This means that I am currently paying a mortgage and rent.  It’s a decent place, but it’s difficult with two large dogs.  They need a backyard.  I’m ready to have my house back.  The house is currently the shell of what it once was.  There is a lot of red tape between insurance and the mortgage company, so I think this will be a long process.

Since I last wrote, another birthday has come and gone.  I was able to have a nice, small celebration with friends.  The Fish even came out with us.  He’s been very present in my life.  I’ve seen him at least once a week (but often more) since this started.  I spent almost my entire birthday weekend at his apartment.  For the most part, he seems okay with the increased time together.

It’s been nearly seven months since our first date.  I’ve been reflecting on how much things have evolved during this time.  It started with just sex, then some sleepovers, then maybe a drink and sex, the a drink and movie and sex.   There are times now that I see him and we don’t even have sex.  We watch football, youtube videos, old movies, and he taught me how to play chess.

I knew his birthday was sometime around my own, but he wouldn’t tell me when.  Apparently his birthday causes some kind of existential crisis.  I figured out that his birthday was yesterday with only a small amount of research.  I brought him a bottle of scotch and a small chocolate cake.  I couldn’t do a birthday card, because I didn’t want to send him running like a dog with its tail between its legs, so I stuck a post-it note on it instead that said, “Happy first day of hockey!”.

I’m still just playing this whole thing safe and waiting patiently.  H said that if it were him, he wouldn’t let me go.  I guess he doesn’t need to buy the cow when he’s getting the milk for free.  I still just can’t let this go.  I know he isn’t seeing anyone else, and neither am I.  This is the longest I’ve stuck with any one person since Ron.  This is the most patient I’ve ever been.  I want this to work.  I need this to work.  H is waiting for the ugly fallout.  I just don’t see it happening anytime soon.  I really do love him, and I know he feels something for me.