As the Fish‘s chapter comes to a close, I am trying to jump back into OkCupid. I completely deleted all of my dating accounts a few months ago, so I am starting from scratch. H asked me what I am looking for this time, sex or a relationship. This is the first time I have honestly been able to say that I am only looking for a relationship. My standard answer is normally something about I’m open to whatever happens. I’m not open anymore. I’m ready for something real. I don’t want to waste my time with short flings.
I opened an OKC account, but I haven’t written anything yet. I don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind. If I wrote it right now, it would look something like this:
- You must love dogs. Especially large, slightly out of control dogs. I’m not a dog trainer and sometimes my dogs have bad manners.
- I recently lost most of my belongings in the flood. I don’t feel like my life will ever be back in order.
- You must be smarter than I am. If you aren’t at least equally as smart, I will likely manipulate you until I get bored with you and move on.
- I’m overweight despite all of my attempts to remedy it. I’m fighting an uphill battle between my thyroid and PCOS. Breaking my neck seemed to have an effect as well.
- Speaking of PCOS, I have to shave my face everyday because I can grow just as much facial hair as you. My hair on top of my head is falling out. I have dark patches of skin. There’s a fair chance I wont be able to reproduce, especially not without help.
- Most of my closest friends are men.
- I teach and I spend a lot of time at work or doing work from home.
- I don’t have much of a social life, but I’m content with a low key lifestyle
- I watch sports with friends, but I’m not as into it as others
- I have a lot of anxiety. You will not be allowed to drive me anywhere for at least the first six months.
- I’m also a control freak
- I don’t care much for movies, so I likely wont get any of your references.
- I’m divorced and he took his own life shortly after the legal stuff was done.
- I come from a unique, broken home.
- I’ve probably slept with more men than you’ll be comfortable with.
- I fall hard and quickly. I’ll love you more than you ever knew you could be loved. I’ll always be there to take care of you, knowing you better than you know yourself.
There aren’t many things I avoid talking about. Today, I am going to address the one thing I consistently avoid. My weight.
I’ve always struggled with being bigger than my peers. I thinned out just a little my last two years of high school because I was very active in a very competitive marching band. I was teased all of my life about it. My parents tried to limit my food intake and make me exercise. I hated them for that and it made me have a strong hate for exercise as well. Not once did they ever think that something might be wrong with me. It was just shame and guilt.
I started college and moved away. I gained the freshman 15(more like 20). Every time I would go home, I would get more shame and guilt. I was a little uncomfortable with my body, but I still thought I was beautiful. I couldn’t be bothered to measure my worth in pounds. And I was curvy. That’s my body type no matter how big or small I am.
Mid-way through my second semester, I was in a terrible car accident and broke my neck. That severely limited my mobility for a while. I put on a few more pounds.
Shortly after that, I took my health into my own hands. I finally saw a doctor that was smart enough to know something was wrong. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and PCOS. I had displayed the classic symptoms of both for a very long time, and no one ever caught it. That made me feel a little better as now I knew it wasn’t just me.
Around that time was when I started dating Ron. I put on 115 pounds between the time we started dating and when we divorced. 115. A whole person. It was largely due to emotional eating. Ron never gave me the affection I wanted and deserved. I ate every time he brushed my hand away, every time he turned down sex, every time I caught him, chatting up other women.
To add insult to injury, he would often bring up my weight. He would tell me how pretty I used to be. He would tell me he would be happier if I would lose some weight. The funny thing is that he was overweight himself.
As of this morning, I have lost 20 of that 115. It is not easy, but I am so ready to have my body back. I don’t like being in the BBW groups on fetlife. I want to list myself as curvy and that be honest. I want to not worry if my photos are misleading. I want to look every bit as sexy as I feel. I have big goals because I need to lose more than just that 115. I have 155 pounds ish more to lose before I am where I want to be.
I finally feel like I have people in my life who are supportive. They motivate me instead of making me feel ashamed. They help me focus on where I am going and not where I have been.