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Fake it ’till you make it

Published April 22, 2017 by daisiesloveandpeace

I’ve meant to write so many times between December and now.  As of my last post, the silence between The Fish and I had ended and I had spent almost the entire weekend with him.  I’ve spent nearly every weekend with him since then.  There have been many really good weekends.  Alas, I’m cycling back to feeling like I can’t do this.  I feel like I’ve been trying to “fake it ’till we make it” and there is never going to be a making it here.  I’m just not ready to say goodbye.  I don’t understand why he has such a strong grip on me.  Maybe it’s because he really is such a good person, and he does care in some capacity.  Just not the same way that I care about him.  He’s been by my side through a lot of shit for the last year: losing my house, rebuilding my house, the death of a family member, friend drama, family drama, etc.  He’s been by my side the entire time.  I just don’t understand why he doesn’t appreciate what he has with me more.  I think I’m pretty awesome.  For some reason my drive to settle down and start having children has really kicked in as of recently and think that has a lot to do with my feeling like I need to pin him down or let him go.

Which brings me to my next thing.  I’m finally moved back home!!  It took about 8 months since my house received 19 inches of water to clean it out and rebuild, but I’m home!  The Fish played a huge part in getting the apartment all packed up and moving me home.  It was a long miserable time in a cramped little apartment, but now that I’m home, the house feels so big.  Too big.  I joked with the Fish about him moving in as my roommate because I can’t handle the quiet.  I had a roommate prior to the flood, but I don’t know that I’m ready to go that route again.  There’s something so liberating about being able to walk around in your underwear(or less) when you feel like it.  I think this is part of what is making me want children so badly right now.  I’m ready to fill my home.

Before I can even think about children, I’ve got to get my health and weight in check.  I found a doctor I like and I’m working him to get my thyroid levels somewhat normal.  I’ve also started really, truly caring about what I am putting into my body.  I’ve struggled with stress eating and binging, but I’ve made it about 40 days focusing on healthy eating and I’m down about 22 pounds.  It’s definitely a one day at a time thing as I have about 170ish pounds left to go.  I’ve got to stay focused this time.  Fish has played a large part in keeping me on track as well.  He’s focused on his health, so it’s something we are doing together.

That circles me back to the Fish.  He’s clearly very intertwined in my day to day life.  I feel like I need to start slowly backing away.

Last and certainly not least, the anniversary of Ron’s suicide is very soon.  Moving back into the house that we bought together has really brought up a lot of memories.  He’s been on my mind a lot lately, so it doesn’t help that that date is coming up.  I still miss him.  I’ve had quite a few moments lately where I laughed about something to myself and wanted to call or text him to share because he would be the only one to understand, but then reality hits me like a ton of bricks.

One more good thing before I close this out:  I’ve been accepted into grad school.  I start in the fall and that may be what I need to really get myself out of the rut I feel.

I’m trying really damn hard to make myself be happy right now.  Going to fake it ’till I make it.

Sleepover

Published May 10, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

It has been a busy few weeks around here.  I’ve seen The Fish once or twice a week, every week.  All of it has been limited to the bedroom.  Amelia popped back up for a hot second.  She sent me a text to see how I was doing.  We texted a bit that night, but it kind of wrecked me.  We got through a week of state testing at work.  It was awful, but the end of the school year is nearly here.  I had a pretty big tiff with one of my close friends.  It really sucked, but it all seems to be okay now.  I was kind of a bitch.  A coworker unexpectedly passed away this week.  And the thing that pulls it all together: tomorrow is going to be the first anniversary of Ron’s death.

I had had enough of all of this by Friday afternoon.  I’d planned to come home and go straight to sleep after work, sleeping through until this morning.  Things never go according to plan though.  Tinka asked me to meet her for a pedicure after work.  As amazing as sleep sounded, a pedicure sounded even better.  I met her and we caught up while relaxing.  I realized that we were very close to my favorite bar, so I decided that I would just head there after the pedicure for a drink or two before going home.  I asked Glen to meet me there, but he didn’t seem keen on the idea.  I then asked the Fish and he told me possibly.  That was much better than the hard no that I was expecting.  We had a miscommunication about the time and he decided he would just meet me at my house after I was done hanging out at the bar.  Glen ended up meeting me and I was pretty much drunk before the sun went down Friday night.

With Glen’s aid, I safely made it home, but I wasn’t done.  I sent The Fish a text and told him that I just wanted to cuddle.  He came over and brought along some bourbon(this man is after my heart). I immediately brought him into my bedroom, undressed myself, and hopped under the covers.  He poured some bourbon and joined me.  We cuddled.  And talked. It was sweet.  He told me he thought he’d owed me a night of cuddling after all of the sex we had been having(I’m so glad he thinks the sex is for him).  We cuddled for quite some time, but then it got heated.  He is such an amazing kisser.  We made out for a little while, then he fingered me into an orgasm.  I would like to point out that he did this while having an arm wrapped around me, holding his bourbon.  He’s quite talented in many ways.  I’m a little hazy on the rest of the night, but I know he fucked ma a couple of times.  I also know that something magical happened that had never happened for me before.  He made me have multiple orgasms.  I never quite understood what that meant until it was happening to me.

All of the fun wiped us both out and before I knew it, he was snoring next to me.  I was kind of happy that he was staying over, but woke up in a bit of regret.  I’m trying so hard to keep an emotional distance.  The Fish is honestly the best sex I’ve ever had and I know that one day that will come to an end, but I would like to safely ride it out to it’s natural end.  I also noticed that he hasn’t signed into OkC in a month, but like Glen said, I’ve been keeping the poor guy busy.

We woke up Saturday morning and had more mind blowing sex with multiple orgasms.  It wasn’t just a drunken fluke.  I’ve been riding that high for a few days now.

Damn, this guy is good.

Carnage

Published December 29, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

I’m over halfway through my two week winter break from work and I think I’ve about hit rock bottom.  It’s been one for the books for sure.  It started with the shooting on Monday, meeting with Cade Tuesday to discuss why I didn’t think he should propose to his girlfriend, Christmas Eve dinner with Tinka and a couple of other friends, and Christmas night with Glen(my best friend)  and AJ and a bar.

I’d mentioned previously that I had talked to Sheldon about us and it hadn’t gone well. I told him I just wanted to be friends. He proceeded to try to fix the issues I had with what was going on, but I knew it just wasn’t going to be enough to make things work. So I tried to lay low with him all week. I didn’t ignore him, but I didn’t initiate contact either because I didn’t want to lead him on.

Saturday night, Glen and I decided to go back to our favorite bar. My phone had been blowing up with many different guys trying to get into my pants.  I also had Leonard messaging me about going to his New Year’s Eve party.  Sheldon will likely be there and there would be space for us to spend the night.  I told Leonard I wasn’t crazy about the idea because of Sheldon being there.  I didn’t think that would be good for either of us.

Later in the night, after a few drinks, I sent Sheldon a text that simply said, “I miss you.”  That was where things started to go awry.  I also concocted a plan to sleep with someone else to test whether or not I truly missed Sheldon. So I let one of the wonderful men from tinder come over.

Now he(we will call him Ref) deserves a post all on his own, but I am going to include him here.  Ref is pretty much spot on my type in the looks department.  And that’s all that really matters because it’s just sex from tinder.  He clearly had not been with anyone in a while.  He was an amazing kisser.  He knew exactly how to touch me, but when he put the condom on, he went limp.  I think there was too much buildup and too much pressure, but it didn’t really happen for us.  He eventually left and we talked about plans for another time.

Sunday morning, I woke up to a Facebook message from Chance asking if I believed in second chances.  I never really wrote about Chance before.  I met Chance about a year and a half ago on OkC.  It was a very short lived thing(from what I remember) that involved one night of sex and him trying quite a few times to make it happen again.  I responded to his message and we made lunch plans.  As I was getting ready, I received a call from my bank that there had been fraudulent charges on my account and my card had been deactivated.  So at that point, I called Chance and told him to just come over.  So he did.  He parked behind my roommate, so I asked him to move his car behind mine.  Except there was a problem.  Suddenly his car couldn’t shift out of park.  So he called his mom to come over and pretend she was driving it so she could use her AAA.  So I sat at my kitchen table with Chance and his mom for an hour waiting for the tow truck.  It was so very awkward.  They finally got that settled, and we decided to watch a movie. We cuddled up on the sofa and made it through the entire movie.  As soon as the credits hit, his mouth found mine and his hand was in my pants.  I then quickly remembered how sexually incompatible I had found us to be the first time around.  We messed around a bit, and I know he left very disappointed with no sex and no release for him, but I really wasn’t feeling it.

In the midst of all of that, I got a text from Sheldon saying he missed me too and he wanted to see me NYE at Leonard’s.  I told him I needed more time to think about it.  Which was the truth.  I literally wrote out pros and cons and talked to a couple of people that I trust.  I knew what I needed to do, but I wasn’t prepared to do so.

On Monday, I went to they gym with H.  We work together and we are very close. I was telling him all about everything going on and he agreed that I needed to let Sheldon know it was over sooner rather than later.  And during all of this, I noticed something. H was very calm and collected.  It was like he had had a week off of work. Oh wait, we had.  So why was I still so high strung?  Because I let myself be. I let all of these stupid things happen.  It was time to relax the rest of the break.

I went home and sent Sheldon a text.  I told him that I didn’t want to hurt him, so I thought it was best we went our separate ways now.  Which was true.  I do like him and I did miss him, but I knew it wasn’t a forever relationship.  Eventually I would end up breaking his heart. So let’s do it now when it hurts less.  Again, he didn’t take it well.  The last thing he said was “Cut the crap, you are doing this so that you don’t end up hurt.” I blocked him after that because I didn’t want to hear anything mean from him. I knew that was just anger speaking.  But I was being honest. I was not the one that was going to end up hurt.  He was just going to be more carnage left behind in my life.  I couldn’t bare to do that.

That brings us to today. Oh, today.  Today makes two years since Ron and I split.  And tomorrow would have made our four year wedding anniversary.  And I miss him because Christmas was always our time.  So I am feeling extra rough.  So today I did what we always did after Christmas. I went to the Hallmark store and bought ornaments for half off.  It was one of our favorite things to do together.  Then, I went on a date with myself. I went to the movies and laughed my way through the movie Sisters.  By myself. And I enjoyed it.  I picked up dinner on the way home.   It finally hit me that I can be by myself.  It’s okay. I love me.  I love spending time with myself.  I then went back out and picked up a journal.  I have so many plans for myself.  So many improvements.   I want to start by going dark on almost all forms of social media. Delete OkCupid, tinder, facebook, twitter, instagram.  I just haven’t found the strength to do it yet.  I need to heal before I start actually dating again.  And I feel like all of those things are just toxic to me right now.

I want to be the best me, so that I can find the best him.

Normal? What’s that?

Published November 8, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

I meant to update last week, but it was the week that never ended.

I am very much a creature of habit.  A normal day for me is wake up at 5, work by 6 and then home around 4-4:30. I’m normally in bed by 9.  Last week was anything but normal.  Monday was fairly routine.  On Tuesday, two coworkers and I went to visit one of our students in the hospital.  We ended up staying a good while, and I didn’t get home until after 6.  That really put a kink in my routine.  On Wednesday, all sorts of emotional hell broke loose for me.  Because of the long day on Tuesday, I decided to leave work around 3:30(we can leave as early as 2:45, the joys of teaching middle school).  As I was walking out the door, I got a text from Ron’s boss.  They had received Ron’s laptop and cellphone back from the police and he was trying to decide what to do with it before mailing it home to Ron’s parents.  Both were password protected.  They thought if they had any chance of getting into them, I would be the one who could do it.  I was in tears before I left school. I walked into H’s office and handed him my phone, showing him the conversation as I was shaking and near a complete meltdown.  I wanted into the computer and phone so bad, but I knew there would be things in there that no one else(especially his parents) would need to see.  H and I talked about it and I headed towards Ron’s boss with the intentions of having him destroy both without letting Ron’s parents know.  Long story short, Ron’s dad was the one that requested that Ron’s boss get the computer and phone and send it to him.  My heart sunk.  There was nothing I could do at that point but hope that they are never able to get into it.  I was a mess that evening. I felt like someone had stolen the life out of me.  I got home around six and spend the evening in bed, with the lights on, staring at the ceiling.  Thursday was another late evening because I ended up getting caught up with coworkers and getting home after five. Such a long week.

In the midst of this, I started talking to someone on OKC. I initiated conversation because we are a 97% match and he seemed fairly interesting.  We texted a bit through the week and in the midst of the Ron fiasco on Wednesday, he(we will call him AJ) asked me on a date.  We hammered out the details and decided to meet Friday night.  There had been some very light flirting through the week, but not too much.  I’ve gotten better at not immediately responding to texts, and he also doesn’t respond immediately.  I feel like the conversations don’t get very in depth that way, but apparently it’s what normal people do.

AJ asked me to meet him at a coffee shop inside of a bookstore Friday night, and then we could go from there.  We got there at almost the same time, walking in right after each other.  We sat in the corner of the coffee shop and chatted for a bit and then he asked if I would like to do dinner.  We walked next door to a pub style bar(the same place I first met D and Pierced Donger).  The conversation flowed the whole time.  I did realize after that I don’t think our conversation deviated from work pretty much the whole time we were there.  I find his work very interesting as he works in the psychology field. I also love talking about my job.  I was also trying to avoid talking about my family or Ron.  I was trying to not expose the crazy.  I wanted to be normal for once, not the girl with the crazy stories.  After dinner and a beer, we walked back to the bookstore parking lot and said our goodbyes.  It was slightly awkward because I couldn’t really get a read on how he felt.  I couldn’t tell if I should be prepared for a kiss or not.  He hugged me lightly and we went our separate ways with talks of meeting up again.  I was so confused.  First dates always end in kisses goodnight for me.  He sent a follow up text before I even made it back home. So then I was really confused.  I’ve never not been able to read someone like this.  Today we set up something for this Wednesday to get together and play board games.  So he must have some interest? Or maybe I’ve already been friendzoned.  I think the biggest problem is that I don’t know how to be normal. I don’t know how to go slow.(Gigs, anyone?)  So anything that doesn’t move at lightening pace just feels off.  We shall see where this one takes me.

Home is wherever I’m with you 

Published October 14, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

Crying before 6 am. That is the thing that happened today. Complete meltdown before I ever stepped foot out of the door this morning. One of the dogs decided she needed to be up at 2:30 this morning. When I finally was able to get back to sleep, I dreamed of Ron’s suicide. I dreamed about having to go through his things. In my dream, I found the letter I wrote him when we first started dating that he always kept tucked in his wallet. The creases were starting to wear holes in them. I don’t know if he still kept it in his wallet, but it helped me remember that he did in fact know how much I loved him.

So my sleep was not very restful and then I heard one of our songs while I was getting dressed. Complete meltdown.

Naked

Published October 8, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

Every morning on my way to work, the fingers on my left hand come together and I realize that there is no barrier between my ring finger and my middle finger or pinky finger.  My ring is gone. I panic for a half second before realizing that I haven’t worn a ring in a while. When will it ever stop feeling so naked?

Today was especially rough as I realized today makes exactly one year that our divorce was final.  It’s been almost two since we split up. Where has all the time gone?

I spent a little over a year getting over our divorce, and the last five months unraveling from his suicide. Hopefully one day I will be done grieving.

Hopefully soon.

Dark and Twisty

Published September 21, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

This was not a good weekend for me. My dark and twisty side definitely came out. I didn’t want to leave my bed for anything from the time I got home on Friday. So I didn’t for a lot of the weekend. Best friend Glen made me get out Friday evening. And my other friend, Tinka needed to get away Saturday, so I sucked it up and got up for a while then.  I cried a lot. I’ve been avoiding any conversation with Glen that would share any of my feelings for the last four months. Everything came pouring out on Friday night. It’s not pretty. I sent a text to one of my friends, H, that I work with.  I told him I needed a mental health day. And while that’s the truth, I feel guilty when I miss a day of work. I don’t like doing that to my students. So I went to work anyways.  I was just down.  I’ve been feeling like I can’t breathe. H called it dread, but it’s far worse then dread. It’s a feeling of uselessness. What’s my purpose? Why am I here? Does anything really matter?

Luckily, H is pretty good at making me smile. He’s also good at tough love, which I needed.  After work, I stopped by Ron’s old place of work.  I’m still friends with the people he worked with(Tinka is one of them).  They just changed offices, so it was a lot easier for me to visit there because I don’t have a connection to the actual building. It’s also nice to be around people who understand who I miss.  There are still remnants of Ron at the office. I’m sure there always will be. It was so nice to be there.

Today reminded me that there are people who love me. If there is no other purpose in life, it’s to spend time with them.