All posts tagged suicide

Fake it ’till you make it

Published April 22, 2017 by daisiesloveandpeace

I’ve meant to write so many times between December and now.  As of my last post, the silence between The Fish and I had ended and I had spent almost the entire weekend with him.  I’ve spent nearly every weekend with him since then.  There have been many really good weekends.  Alas, I’m cycling back to feeling like I can’t do this.  I feel like I’ve been trying to “fake it ’till we make it” and there is never going to be a making it here.  I’m just not ready to say goodbye.  I don’t understand why he has such a strong grip on me.  Maybe it’s because he really is such a good person, and he does care in some capacity.  Just not the same way that I care about him.  He’s been by my side through a lot of shit for the last year: losing my house, rebuilding my house, the death of a family member, friend drama, family drama, etc.  He’s been by my side the entire time.  I just don’t understand why he doesn’t appreciate what he has with me more.  I think I’m pretty awesome.  For some reason my drive to settle down and start having children has really kicked in as of recently and think that has a lot to do with my feeling like I need to pin him down or let him go.

Which brings me to my next thing.  I’m finally moved back home!!  It took about 8 months since my house received 19 inches of water to clean it out and rebuild, but I’m home!  The Fish played a huge part in getting the apartment all packed up and moving me home.  It was a long miserable time in a cramped little apartment, but now that I’m home, the house feels so big.  Too big.  I joked with the Fish about him moving in as my roommate because I can’t handle the quiet.  I had a roommate prior to the flood, but I don’t know that I’m ready to go that route again.  There’s something so liberating about being able to walk around in your underwear(or less) when you feel like it.  I think this is part of what is making me want children so badly right now.  I’m ready to fill my home.

Before I can even think about children, I’ve got to get my health and weight in check.  I found a doctor I like and I’m working him to get my thyroid levels somewhat normal.  I’ve also started really, truly caring about what I am putting into my body.  I’ve struggled with stress eating and binging, but I’ve made it about 40 days focusing on healthy eating and I’m down about 22 pounds.  It’s definitely a one day at a time thing as I have about 170ish pounds left to go.  I’ve got to stay focused this time.  Fish has played a large part in keeping me on track as well.  He’s focused on his health, so it’s something we are doing together.

That circles me back to the Fish.  He’s clearly very intertwined in my day to day life.  I feel like I need to start slowly backing away.

Last and certainly not least, the anniversary of Ron’s suicide is very soon.  Moving back into the house that we bought together has really brought up a lot of memories.  He’s been on my mind a lot lately, so it doesn’t help that that date is coming up.  I still miss him.  I’ve had quite a few moments lately where I laughed about something to myself and wanted to call or text him to share because he would be the only one to understand, but then reality hits me like a ton of bricks.

One more good thing before I close this out:  I’ve been accepted into grad school.  I start in the fall and that may be what I need to really get myself out of the rut I feel.

I’m trying really damn hard to make myself be happy right now.  Going to fake it ’till I make it.



Published May 10, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

It has been a busy few weeks around here.  I’ve seen The Fish once or twice a week, every week.  All of it has been limited to the bedroom.  Amelia popped back up for a hot second.  She sent me a text to see how I was doing.  We texted a bit that night, but it kind of wrecked me.  We got through a week of state testing at work.  It was awful, but the end of the school year is nearly here.  I had a pretty big tiff with one of my close friends.  It really sucked, but it all seems to be okay now.  I was kind of a bitch.  A coworker unexpectedly passed away this week.  And the thing that pulls it all together: tomorrow is going to be the first anniversary of Ron’s death.

I had had enough of all of this by Friday afternoon.  I’d planned to come home and go straight to sleep after work, sleeping through until this morning.  Things never go according to plan though.  Tinka asked me to meet her for a pedicure after work.  As amazing as sleep sounded, a pedicure sounded even better.  I met her and we caught up while relaxing.  I realized that we were very close to my favorite bar, so I decided that I would just head there after the pedicure for a drink or two before going home.  I asked Glen to meet me there, but he didn’t seem keen on the idea.  I then asked the Fish and he told me possibly.  That was much better than the hard no that I was expecting.  We had a miscommunication about the time and he decided he would just meet me at my house after I was done hanging out at the bar.  Glen ended up meeting me and I was pretty much drunk before the sun went down Friday night.

With Glen’s aid, I safely made it home, but I wasn’t done.  I sent The Fish a text and told him that I just wanted to cuddle.  He came over and brought along some bourbon(this man is after my heart). I immediately brought him into my bedroom, undressed myself, and hopped under the covers.  He poured some bourbon and joined me.  We cuddled.  And talked. It was sweet.  He told me he thought he’d owed me a night of cuddling after all of the sex we had been having(I’m so glad he thinks the sex is for him).  We cuddled for quite some time, but then it got heated.  He is such an amazing kisser.  We made out for a little while, then he fingered me into an orgasm.  I would like to point out that he did this while having an arm wrapped around me, holding his bourbon.  He’s quite talented in many ways.  I’m a little hazy on the rest of the night, but I know he fucked ma a couple of times.  I also know that something magical happened that had never happened for me before.  He made me have multiple orgasms.  I never quite understood what that meant until it was happening to me.

All of the fun wiped us both out and before I knew it, he was snoring next to me.  I was kind of happy that he was staying over, but woke up in a bit of regret.  I’m trying so hard to keep an emotional distance.  The Fish is honestly the best sex I’ve ever had and I know that one day that will come to an end, but I would like to safely ride it out to it’s natural end.  I also noticed that he hasn’t signed into OkC in a month, but like Glen said, I’ve been keeping the poor guy busy.

We woke up Saturday morning and had more mind blowing sex with multiple orgasms.  It wasn’t just a drunken fluke.  I’ve been riding that high for a few days now.

Damn, this guy is good.

Dance Party

Published April 10, 2016 by daisiesloveandpeace

This week was a little rough.  I had to get back into the swing of things after a week off of work, and I was in a lot of pain because of the back spasm that happened last Saturday night. Things kind of came to a head on Thursday morning with the pain, and I ended up leaving work early to spend the rest of the day in bed.  I tried to make plans with The Fish Thursday night, but he fell asleep. I took it in stride, but secretly wondered if that had already come to its end.

Thursday night was rough.  I had a lot of nightmares and would wake up in panic.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  I got to work Friday morning and H asked me if I wanted to go out that night.  That was a really weird thing for him, so I gleefully accepted and was pretty stoked all day about it.  That idea lost momentum by the end of the day, and I ended up staying home that night.  I had a bit of a rough night Friday night as a carry over of Thursday night’s nightmares.  I was talking to The Fish that night and after he flirted a bit and I didn’t take the bait, this exchange took place:

I was very surprised by the exchange.  We continued to talk(non sexy talk) until I fell asleep that night.  It was nice.

Saturday morning, I met Glen for breakfast and then he came to work with me for a little while.  We made plans with H and C to go out dancing that night. We went out to a club in town, and we all had a really good time.  I’m used to being the designated driver, so when someone else volunteered, I took full advantage of it.  I did a bit of dancing.

Some combination of where my hormones are right now and dancing with hot men left me wanting something steamy that night.  In the car, on the way to my house, I texted The Fish and asked him to meet me at my house.  It was 1:30 in the morning and he had already fallen asleep, but he came over anyways.

I let The Fish into the house and immediately attacked him.  I threw my arms around him and pulled him in for a kiss, pressing my body into his.  His hands immediately wandered and found their way to my breasts.  He eventually pulled away and asked if we should take it to my bedroom, I said yes and started to walk down the hall.  He walked behind me and wrapped his arms around me from behind, sliding his hands into my top, and playing with my nipples. I stopped and grinded my ass into his crotch.  He nuzzled his mouth into my neck.  Again, he stopped and asked if we should continue to my room.  We made our way to my room and I had to take care of one of the pups that had been locked away in there, so I asked him to sit on the bed and wait for me there.  I took care of the pup and when I returned to my room, he was still sitting on the edge of the bed.  I pulled up my skirt(I’d removed my panties before he arrived) and straddled his leg, throwing my arms around him and kissing him again.  His hand quickly found its way up my skirt and he began to finger me.  I was grinding into his hand and leg and letting out whimpers of pleasure.  I started to strip both of us down, but he wouldn’t take his hand from my pussy.  After I got most of our clothes off, I leaned over kissing up his neck to his ear and whispered into his ear pleas for him to fill my pussy with his cock.  Soon after that, I ended up on the bed with him deep inside of me.  My dirty talk game was definitely on that night and it wasn’t long before he was cumming.  I took great pride in that.  We laid next to each for a little bit being silly, then he leaned over me, kissing me and slid his hand between my legs again.  I came on his fingers and he was rock hard again.  He fucked me again.  My previous orgasm left me feeling very sensitive, so I felt every minute movement his dick made inside of me.  He gave me lots of long, deep thrusts.  I began to play with my nipples and that really made him turned on, to the point that he was going to cum again.  He wasn’t ready to so he leaned forward making it difficult for me to play with myself and continued to fuck me that way.  He eventually came again.  We cuddled up for a short while, but I was struggling to keep my eyes open.  Keeping with our previously set guidelines, he left before we had the chance to fall asleep.  It was wonderful.

There’s part of me that wonders a little if this could be more than sex, but I just want to continue to ride out the good feelings and see what happens.

Home is wherever I’m with you 

Published October 14, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

Crying before 6 am. That is the thing that happened today. Complete meltdown before I ever stepped foot out of the door this morning. One of the dogs decided she needed to be up at 2:30 this morning. When I finally was able to get back to sleep, I dreamed of Ron’s suicide. I dreamed about having to go through his things. In my dream, I found the letter I wrote him when we first started dating that he always kept tucked in his wallet. The creases were starting to wear holes in them. I don’t know if he still kept it in his wallet, but it helped me remember that he did in fact know how much I loved him.

So my sleep was not very restful and then I heard one of our songs while I was getting dressed. Complete meltdown.


Published October 8, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

Every morning on my way to work, the fingers on my left hand come together and I realize that there is no barrier between my ring finger and my middle finger or pinky finger.  My ring is gone. I panic for a half second before realizing that I haven’t worn a ring in a while. When will it ever stop feeling so naked?

Today was especially rough as I realized today makes exactly one year that our divorce was final.  It’s been almost two since we split up. Where has all the time gone?

I spent a little over a year getting over our divorce, and the last five months unraveling from his suicide. Hopefully one day I will be done grieving.

Hopefully soon.

Dark and Twisty

Published September 21, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

This was not a good weekend for me. My dark and twisty side definitely came out. I didn’t want to leave my bed for anything from the time I got home on Friday. So I didn’t for a lot of the weekend. Best friend Glen made me get out Friday evening. And my other friend, Tinka needed to get away Saturday, so I sucked it up and got up for a while then.  I cried a lot. I’ve been avoiding any conversation with Glen that would share any of my feelings for the last four months. Everything came pouring out on Friday night. It’s not pretty. I sent a text to one of my friends, H, that I work with.  I told him I needed a mental health day. And while that’s the truth, I feel guilty when I miss a day of work. I don’t like doing that to my students. So I went to work anyways.  I was just down.  I’ve been feeling like I can’t breathe. H called it dread, but it’s far worse then dread. It’s a feeling of uselessness. What’s my purpose? Why am I here? Does anything really matter?

Luckily, H is pretty good at making me smile. He’s also good at tough love, which I needed.  After work, I stopped by Ron’s old place of work.  I’m still friends with the people he worked with(Tinka is one of them).  They just changed offices, so it was a lot easier for me to visit there because I don’t have a connection to the actual building. It’s also nice to be around people who understand who I miss.  There are still remnants of Ron at the office. I’m sure there always will be. It was so nice to be there.

Today reminded me that there are people who love me. If there is no other purpose in life, it’s to spend time with them.

27 Candles

Published September 8, 2015 by daisiesloveandpeace

I’ve been meaning to get back to this blog and now I have a reason.

Gigs and I broke it off yesterday.  I could no longer handle the fact that he never communicated any feelings with me.  He was always so passive and submissive. I could ask or tell him to do anything, and he would do it without question.  I don’t like having that kind of power. I believe relationships should be balanced.

I’m also still grieving.  And I think that weighed very heavily into this decision for me. I need time to grieve. I need space to grieve. I need to be in my own safe space without fear of judgement for how I am grieving. I need to not be constantly worrying that there is a chance of my grieving hurting someone else. I don’t think it hurt Gigs, but because he never shared, I never knew.

Even if our paths never cross again, I will always be grateful for him being in my life during the last several months.  He held my hand during the most difficult time in my life.  I will always keep him in a special place in my heart.

The end of this month marks my golden birthday.  I’ve been looking forward to this birthday for as long as I can remember.  I turn 27 on the 27th.  It’s starting to look like I will be spending it alone this year. My roommate and best friend are both out of town that weekend.  I’ve been mostly hanging out with Gigs friends lately. I need to find some kind of trouble to get into that weekend. I’ve been looking forward to this for far too long.  It’s hard to explain why birthdays are so important to me, but they are.  I’m not religious or close to my family so all of the other holidays are mostly just stressful.  Birthdays are always supposed to be happy.  I guess I will have to make it so.